Poem: Allowed

Its my body so why do you cry?
You took the blade,
all I ask is why?
Its my body,
just let go my hand
and leave me here to land.

You don't know the pain,
when I walk in the rain.
Its all the same
but you feel the blame.
Its me,
I feel the strain.

Stop sitting and staring
can't you see I'm preparing.
I'm raring to cut,
now I'm more in a rut.
I crave the blood,
need the red
to feel the pounding of my head.
Put me to bed,
I don't want you to find me dead.

Walk out before its to late
I don't want you to feel this hate
its my body any rate.
I do as I will
but thanks your grate.

I'm allowed to hurt,
its my blade.
Give me my knife.
Come on if you don't I'll go on a raid
to the kitchen ,
I'll find another blade.

There's no denying
its probably me you can crying
for I am dying.
I've had enough lying.
Its the consequences of the blade.

Poem: Blood

Blood.
It like fire to the human eye.
No one can see me screaming
but obviously still see me bleeding.
The blade loves me
Do you?

The razor blade in bodily form
its as real as the midnight storm.
Blood trailing down.
Its al around.
I relax and then relapse.
I'm unstable yet able.

Dried on blood.
I'm looking at the pain.
I can't stop
I'm addicted to the blame.
there's nothing you can do
I'm just to dependent on this game.

The blades cold
yet my wrists burn.
I sit on my own,
turn my back to this world.
I've paid my debt.

Regaining consciousness
I realize something not right.
I can see the morning light.
Have I been out all night?

I have to get to the bathroom,
need to beat the rush,
have to wash the blood
though my sight is blurred
and all I can see is red.
I want to go back to bed
like I did before I bled.

Happy Thanksgiving

Its thanksgiving today and for many a joyous occasion, but not for people like me. Although I'm not American many of my friends are who live both in the states and England. Its meant to be a cause for celebration, bringing people together and feasting. Not for those addicted to the ana lifestyle. Its a difficult time and may give the secret away.

The moment comes that you've been dreading all week, you sit at the dining table. The display of food makes your mouth water, you look, stare and smell. Do you dare? Surely one bit won't hurt. It will, and giving in under pressure is weak.

For after you stuffed your face you run to the bathroom to purge it all back up. You are on your knees begging ana for forgiveness. You hope she takes you back. You try to cover and blag your way out of eating but your friends and family start to question you, your behaviour. What then? You need to posses the power to deceive the ones you love.

Its your secret.

Poem: Dying to dance

You stand in class
debating weather you'll pass.
Look into the mirrors,
what do you see?
Eyes of deception looking your way,
poking fun at your imperfections.
There is no pride.
You want to ride the train
down the path of pain
in pursuit of satisfaction.

You're dreams at night are haunted
and you are taunted with fright.
You are sick in fustration
with the pain of desporation.
You know you're not good enough.
Its not fair
but who cares?

You've paid the dabt
of wanting me instead of a pet.
There are somethings you'll always regret.
You are dying to dance
please lets not forget.

You get compliments of distraction.
You stand with tears of missdirection.

You reach for a star
but your body is drained
and you are no more
dancing in the darkness to hide the shame.
You dance no more for fear of blame.

Poem:You are crowned

Your hungry?
So turn to your wrists.
Go to you r room this is anything but bliss.
Turn the CD player on, get in the mood.
Your home alone,
is this the last kiss?

You chose not to fight.
Your addicted to the night.
You pull out the knife.
You want to end this life.

Drag the blade across your wrists,
its not enough, you clench your fists.
Up to the throat without a flinch,
Can you end what you can't comprehend?

You stopped at first
but you've done the worst.
Your body falls leaving a curse.

No gun just a knife.
You've found how to end this life.
Blood trails down.
You've finally found
as your head begins to pound.
You are crowned.
Dead.

Walking

I feel I am becoming weaker, the room spins more and more, but faster now. I still see the fat.

During composition with Anthony I found myself unable to complete the routine we created, for half way through I couldn't breath, I had no more. I pushed myself on, telling of how I need to do this, to fight the signs of pain my body screams at me. I find at times I have certain energy bursts and am invincible, they never seem to last more than a hour though.

Went for a walk through Sefton Park (one of the few green spots in Liverpool), it gave me time to think. For hours I walked pondering over my life. I thought a lot but not about not a lot, if that makes any sense. I feel I need to get away, find an escape from this life, just for a while. I don't know who I am or what I do, everything's so confusing.

Can I survive a little longer? I do not know.

I need to rest but not alone. I need help but no ones their to reach. I'm reaching out again, pleading, begging for relief.

Just one more day.

In the mirror

I stood today looking in the mirror and all I saw was this desperate sad girl looking back. Everything seems bleak, a blur we call reality.

Discussing our futures today and what will become of us. There is doubt in my mind of what life holds for me if I must go on, I'm surviving instead of living. I know we all have to go on at times when all you want to do is just throw the towel in and die. Sitting in the tutor room listening to all the people tell of their lives laid out. How much of its realty and how much is just a dream?
My future seems to be disappearing, as I do by the day. All I do is question my ability and stare at my imperfections.

Will I ever be good enough?

I am dedicated to dance, I just feel I shouldn't go on. I've always had a little doubt in my mind weather I will ever be good enough, I guess every dancer dose. I know "I'm good" but is it enough? The teachers and students comment daily on how beautiful my feet and lags are, they ask how I do it. Its natural I guess but with fifteen years of hard work and training behind you, you would think it natural to point that way and to hold your leg so high.

I just want to be the best, is that asking to much?

Questions I cannot answer

Its not like I'm not happy starving, I'm just not happy eating.
I can't deal with the guilt anymore.

Today I ate again and the pain was unbelievable then I was sick. Its true I ate and then ten minutes later I threw up, my body doesn't understand what food is anymore. Though don't get me wrong I'm not complaing about it, I only ate because my housemate was in the lounge with me and my stomach was making such a noise! I wasn't hungry.

I've been weak these past two days giving in to the complaints of my body. Its only my body, it can complain and moan all it likes as long as the mind is strong that's all that counts.
Well in my world that's all that matters.

I was lying in bed last night on my side and couldn't get comfy as my hip bone was digging into the mattress, bearing in mind I've always had prominent hip bones, but this time it really hurt. I guess this is a sign that what I'm doing is the rite thing. Strange as it may seem the more weight I loose the more confident I'm becoming, I'm more in control. I don't feel so ashamed in ballet when I stand in a loetard, my stomach doesn't stick out so much. It's still there though but slowly disappearing.

I'm constantly plagued with the images of thin pretty chicks. Everywhere I go its all I see and it reminds me of what I have to do in order to achieve that. I'm desperate to be wanted, accepted and hopefully one day loved. Although the love thing I'm seriously starting to doubt. I question my ability to love. Is it possible for a self obsessed person to love? The answer I do not know, the feelings I posses would say it was obvious.

I feel I'm not loosing weight fast enough, will I ever? I don't know how far I need to go until I feel acceptable to the world. I want to hide in a dark room with a candle and a knife.

I found out something very interesting on the internet tonight, this drug called Ipecac Syrup. It makes you throw up within twenty minutes of taking it. Its used for people who OD or take/eat poison. I couldn't find it in this country but in the states you can buy 30ml of it over the counter without prescription. I found a mail order site where you can purchase it and get it shipped over here. Its only $14.09 and shipping $7.75 and that's for five bottles of 30ml. It doesn't say how much you need to take for effect. I'm contemplating getting some for when I eat too much.

Something

It's funny how after a while, I don't actually need food, I can cope with out. My stomach is empty, hollow and yet the smell of food dose nothing, I smell but do not crave. I do not need the taste as I have the memories. I only eat when I am near blackout, dizzy, weak and on the brink, but with constant guilt.

To eat is a waste of what little time we have. I see no real reason to consume, its a chore.

The teachings of the mind: Food is pain. It leads to a life of eternal of repent. Self control is vital in order to survive. If you really want this, you need to believe. Are you a believer? To win you must believe in your self control and the control of ana.

Preparation: The key. Prepare yourself to deceive, blag and in other words lie to the ones who mean the most to you. It may not be pleasurable but vital.

Remember its yours and ana's secret.

Anorexia is an art. As an artistic form like dance it takes pure dedication and passion. There is something beautiful and yet morbid about this so-called 'disorder'. However to many including myself, anorexia is far more than that, for its a state of mind, lifestyle, an expression, freedom and a choice.

Inside our bodies we have a little place for ana, its a perfect drug, both harmless and legal, no prescription needed. Ana is the only thing that adds colour and meaning to an otherwise bland existence. For many including myself ana will always be a part of our lives, like a best friend.

Pathetic

The day was going good until I ate. I know people say you need to eat in order to survive but its nonsense because man/woman can survive on water. Its true, David Blaine went in to a box above the themes for forty days and forty nights surviving solely on water, he's still alive, isn't he? The human body cannot survive without fluid but can without food.

Now I've eaten I feel I should punish myself for being weak and giving in to the rumbles of my stomach. My stomach hurts and I feel I'm going to explode! I ate so much, others would say so little but thats their opinion and I respect that but its me who has to live with the guilt.

Why am I so weak and feeble?

I need to get my priorities straight, I want to be thin and will do anything for a little piece of happiness.

Anything.

I think people are suspecting things and I don't know how I would cope if they found out the truth. I don't want them to say I'll help you get through this, we can do it together, I understand, when they really have no idea. Its imposible to understand unless you've been there, felt the guilt, the fat and pain.

I'm not sick.

Ana is a life style and not an illness, you cannot be cured of a life style choice.
You can over come it but ana will never leave you, ever, once you are scared by it its always there.

My dreams are plagued with fear of what people might say if they knew. I wake up at all hours in a panic, I'm scared. Its true for once in my life I have fear.

I don't need help.
Wounded? Yes.
Sick? No.

For the first time

Still tired and sleepy. I've lost 6 pounds this week (its a start).

I've got a long way to go for perfection.

By the college Christmas show I want to loose another stone. I'm going on a fast until Monday maybe longer depending on how I feel, if I'm strong enough. I feel stronger now that I've got a result, I just need rest over the weekend. I've got a show tomorrow for charity and I have the strength to wake up in the morning.

Things are finally looking up.

I've pulled myself through and I'm not sure why because I just want to be accepted, loved and wanted. I feel love but am unsure that its returnable for the person tells of love for another.

In this life things are never simple or rewarding. People say you need to love and be loved in order to survive but I'm still here, much to my disappointment, yet I am not loved.

Went to physiotherapy and was told the problems in my knees will never be properly heeled and I may never dance without pain. I'm not shocked or hurt by the news as I had a good idea that it would be this way. I'm still perusing my career as they say 'no pain no gain'. I only know and love dance and I'm still going. The pain isn't bad all the time.

You know the only thing that loves me back is dancing.

Obviously ana loves me as I wouldn't be living without food and the loss of pounds each day.
I wake wishing and hoping I'd awake thin and beautiful. Its pathetic really because as much as I hate to admit it, it will never happen.

I will never be at one with myself, will always hate me and feel ashamed.

Ashamed

Starving for perfection?

Its true, may girls and an increasing number of boys are starving themselves for perfection.

So why am I punishing my body?

Truth: I want to be noticed as the thin dancer instead of the fat one in the corner. If I was thin then I would be more confident and be proud of who I am. People say the key to happiness is acceptance from within, and I don't have that. I'm sick of being me, always hating myself and hoping I don't wake up.

Its hard being ana because I'm constantly weak and tired, I must not give up. Giving up is a sign of weakness and I'm not weak, least not anymore.

I don't understand this pain thrust upon me, must I constantly go on just surviving instead of living?

Fasting is not starvation

Fasting refers to the complete absence of food, surviving solely on water.
People have this misconception that fasting is the same as starvation, when in actual fact starvation can only occur after prolong fasting.

In general, fasts should last no longer than twenty eight days. Fasts that last longer than forty two days are both unnecessary and dangerous. A prolonged fast of two-three months is a slow form of starvation.
During a fast the body enters ketosis. This is caused when the body uses up readily available energy sources (food). Once that energy source has gone it starts converting nonessential tissue (fat), though conserving essential tissue. After the nonessential tissue have been used up the body then starts converting essential tissue thus causing starvation.

During a fast the ketone levels in the blood rise from 2.0mm to 3.0mm after a few days and continues steadily rising there after.

To reach starvation takes some forty two days or more thus proving fasting is not a form of starvation. Starvation is the latter stage of fasting and totally unnecessary.

Fasting burns only nonessential tissue where as starvation goes beyond the point until there is nothing left to burn causing serious illness and in most cases prolonged health problems, or even death.

Dizzy

I woke up today feeling weak and frail, it took a while before I could sit up. My body is weak but I managed to stand. I walked to the bathroom, but I'm dizzy and found I'm having to stop. Strange as it may sound when I stood up I had to wait for the world to catch up with me. I made dinner this afternoon but I couldn't eat, not even half. I thought if I could eat I would feel stronger since I've been on the ana plan for a week, but Couldn't do it. I tried eating slow, chewing more but nothing worked, so I gave up. I wasn't hungry at all just thought it might give me some strenth.

The room still spins as I wonder if I will make it through college tomorrow. I dance all day, is all I know and cannot fail. I have ballet, contemporary and tap, four and a half hours dancing.

Will I cope? I do not know, but I must go on and try my best.

My body is still cold from not eating and I feel I can't do anything to warm it up. I wear layers of clothes, gloves, slippers and yet I shiver. I sit infront of the fire and nothing. I go to sleep shivering clutching my hot water bottle, I wake up just as cold.
This has never happened to be before on the ana program, so why now?

A cry for help

The beginning of a new chapter

Starting today: The day I start to try and rebuild my life and self esteem.

Things are complicated like always, text someone close telling about my problems and asking for help, help he couldn't give.
I'm stuck in a rut with nowhere to run, no one to turn to. I'm lost in this world, I don't fit it. I don't fit the mould that others do.
I'm sitting in my lounge alone with the music and my thoughts. My thoughts control me, every move I make I feel am judging. Am I good enough? Do I deserve to live? To be here?

Questions I can not answer, feelings I cannot stop.

My mind wonders as I log on-line, before I know it I'm typing in that addresses to those pro-ana sites and looking for answers, inspiration and most of all pictures of who I want to be; thin, pretty and perfect. Happy?
I spend hours looking at these sites that are kept hidden from view to protect us. I have loads of information on how, when, where and why. The why I know. The one thing I can say for sure I do know, everything else is a blur.

Its cold. Sitting here wrapped up, but its cold. I don't feel like going on. It this the end? Can anyone ever help me in my quest for eternal happiness? If not eternal I'd settle for a day, a minute, even a second, anything, please. I'm reaching out. Its so hard to admit you have a problem but when I get the courage to tell, nothing. Its like no one whants to know you. You reach, but how far can you reach before its to late, gone.

I can't reach forever.

Poem: Could we ever be?

The truth my love I see,
for I have read the thoughts
you hide inside your head.

The truth of which I did not know,
I will keep inside my heart.
For I have seen the path
of which love leads.
For you babe
of what you do not know
the paths we go are but one.

I know the love for me you have,
I posses the same for you,
and yet you are unaware
as I am weak and do not tell
for fear of loosing you so dear.

The truth of now of which I feel
I have to put out and deal.
For I know you love another
and we would never be.

You yearn for someone close
and yet I yearn for you.
Oh I wish we could be
but I'm here in reality.

I was jealous of the first time
of your other and yet I fear another.
must I constantly fear for others?
For I love you and want no other.

Please say you'll come with me.
I will protect, love and keep you warm.
I will give you eternal happiness
and in return I will have peace of mind
for knowing forever you are mine.

For ever to love?
I always will.

Poem for ana

If I eat I die.
If I starve I live.
To be as light as air,
to you I give.

Am I asking to much,
to be as thin as a match?
The body a vessel, it carries me.

Catch me!
I made of glass.
If you drop me I'm gonna smash.

The vessel,
it carries as you float on down,
you want to fit in, to wear the gown and
to bear the crown.

I'm drunk on water.
Feeding off the air.
Do I dare?

My body maybe weak,
but my mind is strong.
each day I speak,
but my life is bleak.

I'm fading away,
a little each day.
How much more.
will I make another day?
Who knows?
slowly slippinn away.