Fallen-Angel

Dancing Injuries

2008-07-09T04:51:00.002+01:00

Last night was the last class of the term which has somewhat depressed me because it means six weeks of no classes aside the odd class over the summer holidays.

Last night was jazz which almost killed me though my flexibility seems to have improved somewhat but could always do with further improvement. After that class was ballet and that's when the problem began, again. During the barre work my knee cracked loudly and extremely painfully but I thought nothing of it and carried on as usual.

No pain, no gain and all.

Then we did pointe (toe) work which in my head was a good idea though my knee really hurt. Sure I managed it but by the end I was in agony. I very sorry fully limped home and crashed out.

Hours and hours on my knee is getting worse. I can't straighten it or completely bend it. It's nicely swollen and puffy looking too.

I'm annoyed at my body-not myself because I have an important dance audition at the end of August and I need to practice like mad for it.

Does my body not know these things?

Couldn't it have waited to break?

Right now I'm really worried I'll end up on crutches again because of it.

It's really not a good time to be injured!

Fallen-Angel

Better The Devil You Know

2008-06-24T00:36:00.005+01:00

Say you won't leave me no more
I'll take you back again
No more excuses no, no
'Cos I've heard them all before
A hundred times or more

Unlike my usual self the lyrics of Better the devil you know are the best format of putting my thoughts into words. I'm not usually one for being short of words but for now they have somewhat avoided me. They are not my thoughts least I don't believe them to be, they are words of the darker voice that reins inside my head. Voices that I thought had vacated the empty space between my ears but have returned with a bigger force.

Something happened late last night, something that has changed me and that change is why I'm sitting her eating boiled vegetables in gravy, hungry. A thought came into my head, it spoke to me in a soft but serious voice. It told me that the fun and games are over and that its time to get serious. It went on about how I was alone (without this voice) for a longtime, how it was a test of my ability, test of my strength and willpower. This voice which I used to call Ana has over taken my rational voice of thinking replacing it with rituals and routines just like it did before.

I'm not fighting this persistent voice because I've always believed it to be right. I have however in the past tried to fight it and prove it wrong but I've never quite managed to, so for now I'll just follow it through and see what happens.

Nothing can go wrong, can it?

Fallen-Angel

When, Why and How?

2008-05-25T04:10:00.004+01:00

When did everything become so complicated, when did it all get too much and when did life decide to kick me in the ass?

When was the point of no return?

Why me, why does this keep happening to me?

How is this possible and how can I change?

When did it all go wrong and why?

I have so many questions just like the ones about that float through my mind 24/7, I can't answer a single one of then but it doesn't stop them asking me.

We are told that smoking, taking drugs, drinking and this, that and the other will kill us or give us cancer but what won't kill us? I, for one will not live my life without the things I enjoy like smoking because when I do die I want to say, well I didn't live my life pure I did smoke, drink and starved myself. I did try to take my life, I did hurt myself and for the most part it didn't feel good but I still did it.

Why prolong the inevitable?

We are all going to die eventually.

Fall

And So It Goes On

2008-04-11T21:00:00.004+01:00

I've been working at the cafe now for two weeks and I'm still enjoying it but the hours just aren't enough so I'm on the hunt for another part time job and I think I've found one. The job is a sleep in support worker two nights a week-Friday and Saturday 8pm-8am at £24 a night. The job involves answering emergency calls and nothing else. Sounds perfect and just what I need to top up my earnings.

I am also setting up my own little business for Ebay. I'm not going to divulge just yet my intentions business wise in case I jeopardise myself before I've even begun. All I'm prepared to say is that it has cost me twenty pounds to set up.

I've finished the book I was reading-The Invisible Girl by Peter Barham the daughter of the late Debora Ann Barham who at the age of 26 died of heart failure from Anorexia. The book is different from what I normally read though I'm not a conventional reader only having interest true stories of Anorexia. Debora Barham or Debs/D.A Barham was a highly intelligent sadistic comic writer. She wrote for every type of media from magazines and newspapers, to television and books, what ever the media she Concord it. What makes this book differ from others I've read is that the story is told by her father Peter Barham rather that the Anorexic themselves. It's more heart wrenching to read a father's story of how his beloved and successful daughter starved herself to just over four stone and died alone in her London flat.

A quote below is D.A Barham's version of the lords prayer via Tesco.

Our cashier
who art at Tesco
Sharon be thy name
Thy customers come
Thy tills be rung
On Sundays and in the week

Give us this day our daily bread
(only 35p for one large loaf down in price for all this month)
And forgive us our pushing past a pensioner to grab the last cream horn
As we forgive who leave a jar of fish paste on the cake shelf just to annoy us

Lead us not into temptation
(Although chocolate Hobnobs have 50% extra free and after all are too good to resist)
But deliver us the six-piece patio set we bought on impulse
within 28 days or our money back
For thine is an open shop, the deli and in-store bakery
For six hours each Sunday

Amen.

D.A Barham.

The book really touched me at how isolating being an anorexic is and that by wanting myself to be isolated is related and not me being retarded.

May she rest in peace at her burial in London.

Fallen-Angel x

Mansion Cafe

2008-04-08T19:46:00.004+01:00

I started last Wednesday, technically should have been Tuesday but I didn't answer my phone or return the call to the agency.

I just didn't feel like talking that day.

The cafe is small with nine tables inside and four outside. The serving area is small but well organised just like the tiny kitchen of which I've seen bigger bathrooms! The walls are yellow and it has the distinct air of a fine eateries.

The food is organic, free range, fair trade and all home made on the premises which means none of this processed junk the type you take from a box and stick in the oven or deep fat fry like many eateries and many people do at home. We don't even have a deep fat fryer.

No chips for you!

The cook and boss is a lovely lady who looks after her staff and customers so well ensuring everyone is happy and pleased something you don't often come across. She prides herself on her work and it's well receive via all giving great positive feedback of her cooking and rightly so.

Other staff are really nice, friendly and helpful though there aren't many of them as the cafe only requires two front of house staff.

A typical day starts with me sorting out the display fridge and preparing the various salads after making myself a cup of tea. Most mornings are very quiet with only a handful of customers most only wanting coffee.

The coffee-well that's a whole new trick for me! There's regular filtered coffee, decaf, espresso, cappucchino, Americana, mocha, frapie-mocha-boca-thingy coffee and more! I'm still in a state of confusion about this coffee thing and how to make any of them! I think I've mastered espresso, cappucchino and obviously filter but the rest might as well be in Greek for all the sense it makes to me.

I'm learning, slowly but I'm getting there.

I serve the customers, take food orders and make some, take money, waitress though not much and help keep the place tidy.

Time flies between twelve thirty and two thirty when all of a sudden everyone comes in and orders meals.

I get quite a lot of perks working in the cafe; free drinks, any drinks, any meal I want for lunch, cigarette breaks when I want and I go half an hour early so I don't have to wait around forty minutes for my bus but I still get paid till the end of my shift.

The job is permanent if I want it which I think I do.

Fallen-Angel

On And On And On........

2008-03-29T02:09:00.002Z

That's how it goes, right?

Nothings really changed-does it ever?

I still don't have a permanent job nor a place to live not that I could afford it right now.

I've been working for Wise Employment doing various jobs but the works dried up and I'm stuck at home day after day which doesn't help my mental state.

Mum and dad came back from their holiday about two weeks ago and things are back to normal or what can be called normal which is quite the opposite of the meaning of the word.
Dad continues to ignore me and mum just moans and groans about everything which I think makes her happy.

A lot of things have been plaguing my mind and on the top of the list is my eating followed closely by my relationship.

My eating is out of control, I'm terrified that I will eat all the weight I lost and be back to my fatter self, that self that made me attempt to take my own life on more than one occasion. After thinking deeply about this I came to the conclusion that it's living here that makes me want to eat because that's what I did before when I lived here. When I moved to Liverpool I lost loads of weight and the same happened when I lived in Kent. Living at my parents drags back all the memories that I'd tried so hard to forget when I moved away but here they are always around me dragging me down.

I keep making plans and writing out diets but it's hard here to stick to them especially when my own parents think I'm Bulimic-which I'm not. I also have to be very careful about planning diets because I don't want to arouse suspicion with what I'm eating.

I can't wait to move out and to be free of the rents.

Moving out means the world to me and I don't even care where I live. I want to have control over my life again, I want to do what I want when I want and eat whatever plan I create without people watching over my every move.

My relationship. I don't even know where to start with this subject as it's been going on for a longtime and I don't know if things will ever return to how they used to be or even if I want that.
We've been getting more and more distant over the months, less of the "I love you", less of the cuddles and romance, and none of anything else including the spark. I know I started this downwards spiral with my mental state being all over the place. I feel low and depressed and when I feel like that/this I don't want to be touched, kissed or cuddled and I push everyone away. Things are strained, she's moody and cold and I'm distant and non responsive.

I've been questioning weather or not I actually want to be in the relationship anymore, questioning my love for her and questioning if old flames buried deep still burn for another person.

I'm lost between how I feel and how I "should" feel.

I hope that once we move things will improve because if they don't then I don't know what I will do.

Maybe it's what I truly want but can't admit to, I'm so lost and confused I can't tell between what is real and what's just in my head.

It's all very confusing.

Fallen-Angel

"I Want You Out!"

2008-03-16T14:04:00.003Z

Roughly three weeks ago mum suddenly announced that she wants me to move out. Yes me, she didn't mention anything about my girlfriend though she probably thought that where I go she'll follow which is true to a certain extent.

Her reason?

We don't get on, there are too many women in the kitchen and unless she means that literally then I have no idea what she means by:

"Too many women in the kitchen"

I have phoned numerous flats and apartments up but the majority fall into two categories: too expensive or already let. We have so far viewed two that we thought we could afford.

Number 10, Torquay.

corridor to the staircase. To the right of the staircase is situated the "laundry facilities"-a washer and dryer not suitable for dead rodents to be buried in let alone do laundry in. Walk through the main entrance door, along a long, dark royal blue decorated and uneven. Climb the endless uneven, dark, royal blue decorated stairs to the top. Right up the last, narrowest, steepest and most spiraled staircase and vola the front door. A sixty something year old man, snuffly dressed in ill fitting trousers and an old grandad jumper with bad teeth, some missing put a key in the door and opened it. There were two reasonably sized bedrooms with enormous closets big enough to almost live in, the worlds most beaju bathroom that was no bigger than a broom closet had a peach toilet with matching plastic towel rail hidden behind the door and the worlds smallest shower cubicle that not even I could turn around in. The kitchen was small and compact. The contents: a dirty hoboed cooker with a dirty sink and matching cupboards and work surfaces, and a junk yard ready fridge freezer big enough for a few says shopping at it's most. The lounge was of reasonable size with a god awful floral three piece suit. All the floors were uneven, the carpets had seen far better days and the whole flat smelt of sweat and old urine-certainly not for us or anyone to inhabit.

And then there was the perfect two bed roomed flat above a tattooist in Torquay.

Through the peeling black painted entrance and up two flights of stars freshly carpeted but in need of a hoover and past the one bed roomed flat. Open the door and enter the freshly painted hallway with facing toilet which was white and clean. The hall lead on to a long kitchen which was modern and clean consisting of: pine cupboards with chrome handles, glass top electric cooker, stainless steel clean sink and clean work spaces. There was optional washing machine and fridge that had seen better days but was decent.The floor was laminated but needed a sweep and the rest of the flat was carpeted. Adjacent to the kitchen was two decent sized bedrooms with period black steel fireplaces. Following to the end of the kitchen was the lounge which again had a period black fireplace. Just off to the right before the lounge was the bathroom which had a white sink and a glass and silver shower cubicle big enough for two, all was cleaned to a high standard. What really caught my eye was all the cute little windows with white painted wooden surroundings, they were everywhere. Everything in the flat fitted together and worked well.

So what's the problem?

The agent who showed us around on behalf of the elderly landlord dropped a bombshell. It would cost around £700 a month to run the flat inclusive of all bills plus £400 deposit, way more than we can afford right now. We both left feeling down about this wonderful flat.

I've come to the conclusion that we can not afford a flat on our own, we need help so I've contacted the housing council and they may be able to help up with their "rent deposit" scheme. I have to phone Monday morning to get an appointment.

Fingers crossed.

Fallen-Angel

How I despise you and your home

2008-03-16T12:24:00.003Z

Time for another update on my pathetic little life.

In this post Burlington House and the boss from hell.

At some point in the summer mum and I were in Pound stretcher in Paignton when mum spotted Amanda (I know I don't normally use names but it's either that or "The bitch"), her ex boss. Mum asked Amanda, who was holding a boxed iron, weather she had any vacancies for me. Amanda and I chatted for a while about my experience in support roles and said she'd be in touch.

I started working at Burlington in September of 2007.

My first week was boring as I sat in the quiet lounge reading care plans for thirteen residents none of whom I'd ever seen let alone met.

My second week and the progressive weeks that followed I was shown how to do the day to day things like bathing, supporting, monies and toileting-yes, changing pads and watching clients use the toilet. I didn't sign up for care work, I was informed that the job was support worker and I know for a fact support workers do not toilet residents, that's the job of a carer.

The weeks and months that followed bored me, made me feel worthless, un-needed and low. Deep depression reared it's ugly head and once again I was plummeted back into the lows of life.

I had no passion, no will or want for this job. I would go as far as to say I hated it and just like Orhcard view dreaded going in each day but did anyway like a robotic, depressed moron.

It was like the long road to the death chamber on the green mile movie.

After a week's annual leave at the end of February I did my final shift. It was a Monday afternoon and I forced myself against all my will to go in. I told myself all the way there on the bus that I just need to keep faking it until something better comes along but there was no faking it anymore. As hard as I tried I just couldn't fake that I was happy there, it was crystal clear to all that I was depressed and on the edge of no return. I spent most of my shift either talking to another member of staff or outside trying to compose myself-trying to stop myself blowing up and walking out.

I texted Amanda that night and told her I wasn't coming back. We spoke the next afternoon and try as she did there was no convincing me to work there anymore. She went on and on about how I'd let her down and that it was in the terms and conditions of my job that I'm obliged to give a weeks notice to which I told her I wouldn't be prepared to do.

I didn't sign a contract to her or the company so what could she do?

Over the following days a huge weight lifted from my shoulders and the dark cloud started to lighten though it still lingered like a bad smell.

Fallen-Angel

A long time coming

2008-03-16T11:25:00.007Z

For a longtime now I've forgotten about this blog, forgotten all these words I used to write of pain and sorrow but now I'm determined to post on a regular basis once again.

I had two teeth out under anaesthetic at Torbay hospital in December 2007.

The night before I hardly slept because I was anxious about the operation. My girlfriend reluctantly came with me though she couldn't stay awake to be with me mentally. You know sometimes just being there in the flesh isn't enough especially at a time like this.

A time when I really needed her to be there for me.

I went in for my assessments and consultations only I had three when others had one which I found very odd but soon came to realise they were concerned about my irregular heartbeat and the episode at McDonald's.

After I adorned the national hospital gown and robe and I walked alone to the preparations room as my girlfriend was fast asleep in the waiting room. I lay on the bed and watched as two women and one man attached a heart monitor, BP clip and band, an ECG machine and put a line of fluid into me. They aimlessly chatted to me pretending they were interested in what I had to say but were really trying to distract me from what they were doing.

Then came the time for the anaesthetic.

They talked some more to me until I pointed out that I knew what they were going to do and reverse physiology on me doesn't work. They stopped and told me straight as they administered the anaesthetic.

My stomach sank so deep into the bed I thought it was going to fall through the bed to the floor, my heart rate increased by almost double, I felt sick and dizzy, and then I was gone, asleep.

Just over an hour later a woman was calling my name over and over telling me to wake up. Apparently they were getting very worried because it had been twenty minutes since they first tried to wake me. The nurse said she was just about to get the doctor to give me the reverse drug for anaesthetic.

I was laying on my right side with the guard rails up. I could hear the monitors beeping and people talking but I couldn't see or hear clearly.

I started to cry: "I want my mum"

The nurse asked if she was in the waiting room, well, that really set me into hysterics as I cried:

"No, she's on holiday".

Strange as it sounds, which is was, the next thing I did was ask for a cup of tea!

Sometime passed and I found myself being forcibly sat up as some nurse pushed the top half of the bed into a up right position and drew the curtains around me. It took me a while to realise that I'd fallen back to sleep and was now in a recovery cubicle and not on the intensive care recovery room.

I'm not sure if I asked for my girlfriend but at some point she appeared through the curtains. She looked sleepy and started talking to me, something about a cash machine and that she'd had a cigarette. I asked her to get my clothes from my designated locker as I wanted to wear something dignified, something more than a gaping gown which kept falling off my shoulders revealing my all to whom ever opened the curtains.

I think I drifted off again shortly after I regained my dignity because I opened my eyes to a nurse placing toast and a plastic cup of water on the table. I had already pre-determined that I wasn't going to eat anything that day but when it came to it I just couldn't face it. The sight of toast when you feel very groggy, sick and have a face swollen like a hamster's filled pouches eating tends to be the last thing on your mind.

My girlfriend at first tried to persuade me but then she tried forcing me to eat the fucking toast saying as soon as I eat it then we'll be able to get out of the hospital. I turned my back on her, curled into a ball and cried my eyes out as flashbacks of being forced fed came flooding back- painful memories.

A doctor came round a while later to check on me and he took my drip out saying nothing about me not eating the toast. He said I could leave once my medication arrived. My girlfriend then tried to dress me/help dress me but I wasn't ready for that either. She said if I got dressed then we could go straight after my medication came because she hated hospitals and with that I got really upset and angry, I said to her that she didn't have to come with me and that she could leave anytime she wanted.

After my medication arrived I eventually got dressed and staggered out of the hospital and walked to some steps where I sat and had a cigarette. I know I shouldn't have but I wanted one, so I did. A taxi arrived and we went home.

I spent the rest of the day in a daze on the sofa in some discomfort and a little pain. I ate nothing and drank through a straw.

Fallen-Angel

The Wedding Of The Year

2007-08-16T23:45:00.006+01:00

The once rebellious and troubled teen reformed into the perfect Christian (almost) and the guy from the youth club said their vowels today in the Rivera Christian Centre, vowels of love, devotion, worship and happily ever after endings.

My little sister who is nineteen years of age is married long term to the love of her life.

How strange it is to say that out loud.

My little sister and I have never really seen eye to eye, we're very different people and the only thing that makes us sisters is the fact we have the same parents.

We were all up early pruning ourselves: mum and dad, my little sister, Auntie and her son-our cousin and my girlfriend and I. The maid of honour was running an hour late so I accompanied my little bride to be sister to the hair salon at the end of our road. The maid of honour arrived, I was no longer needed or wanted so I walked home.

It was raining.

I spent the next few hours straightening my big sister's, her daughter's, my girlfriend's and my hair with my new Treseme straighteners.

At some point mum did her usual thing just like she did at my brother's wedding and went off in a huff because no one was paying her any attention. It's really quite pathetic for a grown a woman, a wife and a mother to act like a child to gain attention, attention she didn't get. Her longtime friend was at our house too but she chose to ignore her too which was very insulting and I felt bad for her.

The flowers arrived and we all set off in various cars to the church, my little sister and parents leaving last.

At the church we all took our seats and watched the service which to my surprise was short and nice, obviously mum didn't approve but she never does.

Will mum ever approve anything her children do?

After the service we stood in the drizzle trying not to get too wet for the photos. I hated that part but put on a brave face and did what I had to do.

The reception was in a function room down Paignton sea front. The room was nicely decorated, there was a buffet, balloons, place settings and a head table. Later on there were speeches and tears, more pictures and then some of us braver ones danced to the quite crap DJ.

We all left around eleven pm and headed our separate ways.

The following day Auntie and cousin went home much to the relief of everyone. Mum was still moaning and complaining about the whole wedding but one by one we tuned her out.

Fallen-Angel

I'm a bitch

2007-08-10T02:21:00.001+01:00

Take a scapulae to my gum?!

2007-08-07T23:03:00.000+01:00

I woke up last Thursday with a pain in my broken tooth, a tooth I broke on my girlfriend's cooking last year. The pain intensified and by Friday night I was crying in agony. Saturday I went to work with my big sister cleaning a holiday park. The pain didn't cease with umpteen amounts of paracetamol. I ended up crying at work and being sick due to the sheer amount of painkillers I took that morning.

Saturday night I was supposed to go out with a friend who was down from Birmingham who I'd meet in Liverpool. Instead I spent the evening in casualty with my big sister and dad who waited in the car.

I was thinking about suicide.

My big sister and I waited and waited to get some pain killers. She sat cooing at the babies whilst I rocked curled in a ball crying histerically. I took several trips to the toilets and banged my head hard on the wall hoping I could bash the pain out of me but to no avail. Eventually I got some pain pills and anti-inflammatory pills. Needless to say I didn't sleep much that night.

Sick as a dog.

The pills make me throw up everything including water. I couldn't eat because it hurt too much and I constantly felt sick.

Sunday my mum managed to get me an appointment at the emergency dentist in Newton Abbot. We went over by bus as mum can't drive because she's hurt her shoulder.

I threw up in Paignton town centre.

At the dentist I was told I have an infected abscess on my gum and he needs to cut my gum to let the infection fluid out. I couldn't have an anaesthetic because of the swelling so with nothing to assist with the pain her took out a scapulae and cut my gum open.

Oh my fucking god did that hurt and bleed!

I threw up again in the in the toilet in the surgery and again outside.

It was a mission to get my prescription of antibiotics because all the pharmacies were closed. We ended up in casualty again. They didn't have the antibiotics I was prescribed but they gave me some other Strong ones.

Monday I got the original prescription.

I start taking my medication at 7am and don't finish till 11pm.

I've never known this much pain, pain to the point I want to kill myself and it's not over yet! Tuesday I have to have the tooth taken out and I'm going to be awake!

My girlfriend is going to be paying for this for a very long time both financially and otherwise.

Fallen-Angel

Mum, we're moving home!

2007-08-07T22:48:00.000+01:00

After my hospital trip I got my girlfriend to phone work telling them that I wouldn't be coming back.

Money as I've mentioned was very tight but things got a lot worse and there was no way I could afford to pay the rent and bills so something had to give, but what?

The flat had to go.

A week was all it took to arrange the move, pack and move.

My brother and his mate came up on Saturday, packed everything into a van and I left with them heading for home, my parents home. My girlfriend has had to stay in Kent to work notice at her job and sign the flat over but she will be joining me here in Devon by the end of August.

The first few days at my parents house were like a trip down from Liverpool but I soon came to realise that I'm here for good, not forever at my parents house but in Devon.

I've been getting out and about more, seeing and doing things that I wouldn't have living in Kent. I've been to the beach, seen friends and family and for a long time not felt alone. It's all still surreal but over time I will get used to being back in a familiar place.

I think I will be happier here.

Fallen-Angel X

Call 999 For me

2007-07-25T22:07:00.000+01:00

My first day at McDonald's was okay as far as first days at new jobs go. I was working the drive thru till with another girl taking orders, money and giving out straws and tissues in bags. Between cars we made up Happy Meal boxes.

The second day I was back on the same till but I was alone and boy did I make a lot of mistakes! You can't change and order without the supervisors card and each time I asked for it I got yelled at! Half the time it wasn't even my fault because customers change their minds too!

Hell, give the new girl a break and stop yelling at me!

From the start I didn't really want to be there but I made the most of the situation. I hated the staff they were stuck up and rude not that they had anything to be stuck up about and the uniform was horrid.

Two and a half weeks later I was late for work and had to get a taxi in. I got changed quickly and clocked in. The air conditioning was broken so it was incredibly hot in the kitchen. I served a customer on the drive thru. All of a sudden I became very dizzy and light headed. I was sweating and couldn't breathe. I sat in the staff room and the world caught up with me. Back in the kitchen I was serving another customer and I messed up an order because I couldn't see anything as everything went black and fuzzy. A supervisor came over and said something angrily at me and served the customer. I told her I didn't feel well and she nastily told me I might as well go home as I was no use. I staggered into the staff room and collapsed on the sofa.

I couldn't breathe, see, hear and my heart was pounding very hard and fast.

I asked a crew member came in to change for his shift and I asked him to call me an ambulance because I couldn't breathe. I don't really remember what happened but my bitch of a supervisor came in and asked me if she could phone my parents to meet me at the hospital. I asked her to phone my girlfriend which she did.

Why phone my parents who live five hours away?

I was taken to Gillingham hospital by ambulance. I had loads of tests done on the way and given gas and air, that stuff it brilliant!

At the hospital my girlfriend met up with me as doctors and nursed prodded and poked me, they stuck monitors on me and passed me around.

The diagnosis?

A panic attack brought on by stress and heat from work. The chest pains were due to my heart skipping beats.

I was sent home later that day and told to take time off work.

I never went back to McDonald's.

Fallen-Angel

I'm Making Cake

2007-07-04T06:06:00.000+01:00

Another silly hour of the morning is dawing and yet I don't sleep.

Sleep dosen't come often to me these days not that it used to come easy before. Now I'm awake all of the time, I don't sleep. It's hard when you are so exhausted you can't move yet your brain it sticking over and over like a never ending clock.

Is my off switch broken?

So, I made cake.

What else do you do at three am?

I won't be personally eating it but my girlfriend will be, lest I hope she likes it and does. She usually loves my cooking, any form of it, so I can't see why she wouldn't.

Money is very tight at the moment and in the case of Tesco's statment that every penny counts in my case it does. I can't afford anything not even a postage stamp.

I start my new job at the ever so lovely McDonalds Friday afternoon. I have mixed feelings about it because on the one hand it pays okay but it's also a place that sells fast food, something which I deteste. I have to say though that at the induction meeting it didn't seem so bad. I thought it would be a horrid place to work but it seems my view of the place has changed.

I'm still keeping my eye out for something better. Something better than minimum wage for a start.

The only good thing about working at Mcdonalds is the fourty-five minute walk uphill there and downhill back.

At least I get some exercise out of it if nothing else.

Fallen-Angel

Insomnia And Mid Night Binge Eating

2007-06-30T03:01:00.000+01:00

Admittedly I've never had good sleep pattens or routines. I've had bouts of Insomnia all of my life. I can remember as a child being wide awake when being tucked up in bed, playing by the light of the street lamps out of the window until the early hours of the morning.

No sleep it nothing new but binge eating at night is.

Since I have been unemployed for almost a month my sleep Paten is well and truly out of the window and down the street partying. I very rarely go to bed and sleep and almost never at the same time as my girlfriend.

What she must think is beyond me.

I know my fault and it all boils down to this; I don't have a reason to get up early so why not stay up late. Late for me mean the next day thus I sleep most of the day and the night sleeping is a thing of the past.

I get the odd times when I stay up thirty hours and manage to sleep at night but it only lasts that night and I'm back to square one.

I went to see the doctor a few weeks ago hoping that they'd give me something but I came out with a leaflet, not what I expected. I've tried everything and more of the 'good sleep hygiene routine' and not a single thing has had an effect let alone worked.

It's really hard being up all night because there isn't that much to do.

So I eat.

I don't eat all day, all evening but then it hits the 'hard hours' of the morning namely between four and six am. At this point my gard is down and I eat. I don't eat a snack I eat everything and in large quantities. I hate that I do it but I can't seem to stop. I'm desperate to sleep at night so I can stop this.

People don't understand what it's like to be a suffer of Insomnia, it's hard. Everything becomes a huge effort and deep depression sets in taking over everything. In the dead of night everything is put under the microscope and studded, and for me it's my being. The fact that I'm jobless, moody, have headaches, a recluse, binge eating and have bad memory to count a few.

I have become more of a recluse than I was now that I don't have a job I barely go out. I go out to job interviews or to the gym, maybe on occasion to the corner shop but that's about it. I don't go out unless I have a point or a reason to.

I feel very lonely most of the time because I have no one to communicate with. I don't talk much because I have nothing to say. I talk to my girlfriend but even she has ran out of things to say because everything she suggests goes out of the window. I really neglect her.

My memory is terrible and I'm in two minds as to the cause. On the one hand it could be a result of years of nutritional neglect though Anorexia and on the other the result of Insomnia.
I have trouble remembering the day before and sometimes a few hours before.

I'm confused a lot of the time.

Fallen-Angel

Open Call

2007-06-30T02:43:00.000+01:00

On Friday June 15th 2007 I went for an open call at Pineapple Studio, London for P&O Cruises.

There were about a thousand people there mainly female but there were quite a few males. It was hard to see the routine they taught us because there were so many in Studio 5. After several rehearsals of the routine we were auditioned in groups of ten. Those chosen were the auditioned in groups of four based on height.

I was in the final one hundred.

The four group I was in were called by name to the studio. We all performed the routine desperately trying to out dance each other like our lives depended on this. We were then asked to go a high kick and other things amongst that to tap and do double turns.

I was out.

I messed up on the double turns which is big weakness of mine.

I spent the rest of the day in London.

First I wondered Covent Garden window shopping and buying new pointe shoes. The I wondered Camden and had lunch.

I came home late afternoon really worn out but undeterred.

Fallen-Angel

In The Hunt

2007-06-30T02:22:00.000+01:00

A few days later I went on 'The Hunt' for a new job. I started with the job centre website and applied for several different jobs. I also walked Rochester and Chatham handing out C.V's and filling in applications.

In Rochester I bumped into a client from Orchard View with his parents. He asked me how I was, told me he missed me and gave me a hug, something that was forbidden in the home.

The first week I enjoyed off. I got around to all those things we never have time for.

By the second week I was starting to get worried that I didn't have a job yet.

The third week I was in panic because funds were low and I knew nothing was going to come in without me working. I did have two job interviews.

McDonald's.
The oh so glamorous fast food restaurant that I detest the food of. I had two interviews and an induction when they gave me the job.

Southlands.
Yes, I applied for my old job back but not as senior but as a support worker. I miss the ladies of the home a lot. The interview was with the old Acting Home Manager and the new manager. At the time I thought I did shit, everything went wrong, everything I said came out muddled. She asked me about transport (one of the reasons I left). I knew it was going to come up and I didn't have any answers for her that were any different from when I previously worked there. She said she'd let me know by the end of next week as they had another person to interview. If I don't get the job I know it's because the other candidate drives. They asked to contact details from my last job. I don't think the manager will say anything bad because we had a good and understanding professional relationship.

It's week four of my unemployment and I'm so worried about money. I have applied for a one thousand pound graduate loan from the bank with a two month break before re-payments. It's my only option and the interest rate is very low as it's a graduate loan, I just hope I get it.

I am waiting for someone to phone me to tell me my hours for McDonald's then I can officially start.

I'm not really looking forward to working at McDonald's because of their food. It's not a fear that I'll gorge on it, quite the opposite. I despise fast food especially fried fast food. I'm not keen either of smelling like a fryer or burger. It's a good and long walk to there which I don't mind because the more the exercise the better it is for me.

Fallen-Angel

Orchard View

2007-06-30T01:59:00.000+01:00

After I left Southlands I was waiting for reference's for a week until I could start at Orchard View as their new Senior Support Worker.

The first day was what I expected. I followed the staff around as they half heart idly attempted to induct me into the home's daily routine. A week passed of me getting paid to be a sheep. I, admit idly half heart idly began to settle in though from the first day I didn't like the place.

What was wrong with Orchard View?

The staff weren't very helpful and the seniors spent a lot of time criticizing me over every stupid little thing. The clients were almost out of control, they had no or little respect and their manners were non existent.

Each day I went out the front door to walk to work more dread built up inside.

Each night I was kept awake with the thought of another shift there.

It was an endless cycle that only spiralled in one direction and that was down.

I phoned in sick more than once because I'd been up all night dreading the next day. I think I had every virus going during my time there. I think there were only three genuine reasons.

The first: I had a chest infection.
The second: I think my girlfriend was sick.
The third: I was just out of casualty from a client behaviour.

Elaborating on the third I was caught up in a client behaviour where chairs were thrown at me. One chair just missed my head and the other I caught with my right hand and the chair smashed into my wrist/lower arm. I was taken to hospital in agony and unable to move my arm. At the hospital I was put in a sling and waited for hours. I had six x-rays in total. When the doctor saw my x-rays, we all saw a white line across my wrist though the doctor didn't know what it was. I think, in all honesty it was one of my scars on my wrist. It turns out that I'd severely bruised my arm and pulled the ligaments.

All that pain and not a single broken bone!

Six hours later I was discharged from Gillingham A&E.

The end of my job came roughly two and a half months after I started. Ironic as it was I woke up that day knowing I was going to have a supervision and a 'talking to'. The supervision wasn't planned it was just a feeling I had.

The supervision

I was called into the office twenty minutes after walking through the door by the manager. He and I talked about how I was doing (this was not the first of these 'talks' we've had). I told him how I felt, openly and honestly which isn't like me who bottles everything up pretending it was okay. We were talking and smoking (ironically) for about three hours. In the end I said I wanted to go home rather than stay a moment longer let alone a shift. I was in tears because he told me that I was very depressed, I've never heard anyone say that to me and it was painful yet true. I walked out of the home red eyed and cried the walk home. I cried some more at home too for a few hours but this time out of relief because I didn't ever have to go back to that place.

Fallen-Angel

Had enough?

2007-06-11T01:21:00.001+01:00

I am getting very annoyed working at Southlands now and it's due to two reasons the first being a certain member of staff I have aptly named and the second the constant hours of travelling eachday.

I've been thinking about leaving a lot these past few months, I've really done all I can here and I need to move on.

Client Holiday One-Haven, Brighton

2007-06-11T01:00:00.000+01:00

Saturday September 2nd 2006

We set off at 10am, stopped for lunch where I had a small vegetarian breakfast though I should have just had toast. We finally arrived at 3:30pm and unpacked into our caravans. Dinner was take out where I had to eat cheese and chips. We went to the evening entertainment and had a few drinks and a dance.

Sunday September 3rd 2006

A relaxing morning before swimming. I felt really fat in my bikini but looking at other people I began not to feel so bad. There were loads of over weight people in barely covering swim suits. I ate loads today because we didn't do anything this afternoon and when I'm not occupied I eat. Tonight we saw Cinderella and all I could do was look at the guy who played the prince because he was so thin, I wish I was. I did some exercises in my room tonight.

Monday September 4th 2006

Went shopping in the local town. I pushed a client around all day in her wheelchair. At first I wanted just to help but when I turned down offers of taking turns I realised that I was burning more calories through pushing her, calories that I would burn and no one else. I didn't have a main meal but I did have a sandwich later. We all dressed up to go out and I just looked so rounded and very bloated it made me feel sick.

Tuesday September 5th 2006

We went for a walk to the beach today. I had toast and an apple for breakfast, a cigarette and 250ml of diet sprite for lunch and a couple of spoons of pasta for dinner.

Wednesday September 6th 2006

We all laid in till 11am and then went bowling. We stayed in tonight as everyone is looking very tired.

Thursday September 7th 2006

I'm feeling really tired and mentally exhausted but I have to push on because of the ladies. I have eaten less today but I can always do better.

Friday September 8th 2006

I don't have an entry for the end of the holiday but I clearly remember feeling very low and tired.

Fallen-Angel

Southlands

2007-06-11T00:28:00.000+01:00

I woke up at six am, left at seven am for the train station where I got the seven twelve train to Paddockwood and got off at Maidstone. I walked the pathway to the other station where I sat on a cold blue painted metal bench. I got one of the many Ashford bound trains where I got off at Harrietsham. Looking up and down the road I didn't know which direction to go. I decided to walk down the hill in hopes of finding a shop where I could ask where Southlands was. I found a little corner shop where I asked for directions and just as I did two people said they were just heading back there. The two people turned out to be a support worker and a client.

I spent the first week calling everyone by the wrong name and reading personal files.

I soon settled in but it wasn't without bumps along the way.

Weeks soon turned into months as I began to find my feet and learn the routines.

I participated and supported clients in activities such as disco's, college, swimming, rambling, rock climbing, shopping, arts and crafts and many more.

I went on several client holidays around the country.

The first was a four day camping trip in August (during the heat wave) with the other homes in the company to Canterbury. We all pitched in a break in the forest. There was nothing there aside a toilet/shower block and a makeshift camp fire. It was really fun though after several ice cold showers a day because there wasn't any hot water we all begun to smell.

The second holiday was with all the ladies from Southlands a Heaven on the coast. We stayed in two caravans for a week. During this holiday I participated in the talent contest and danced to Fame. I didn't win but the ladies enjoyed seeing me in a different light.

The third and final holiday was five days at another Heaven site in Chichester which is near Bognergious. It was cold and rained a few days but it was good fun. I took a client from Southlands and her best friend and support worker from another home came with us. The support worker and I got on extremely well and we even aptly named the caravan our tin can.

Fallen-Angel

Settling in

2007-04-18T07:28:00.000+01:00

The months that followed were hard both settling in and moving on.

Graudlly I felt more like one of the family rather than an outsider but things were still not right.

I didn't have a job so I wasn't working and I had no money, at all.

She would go off to work everyday and I would sit up in her room thinking the day away with ABC1 in the background, terrified of making too much noise. I would only leave my new security of her bedroom for cigarettes and drinks. I dreaded going downstairs because I felt like a scrounging imposter.
In the evenings we would walk to our friends house and return stoned around midnight.

I was feeling my depression deepen more eachday as I stared out of the window into the nothingness that was beyond it.

Days and weeks passed until I decided to see if I could go on job seekers whilst I was looking for a job. I had to sign on every second Monday at 10Am. I applied for well over sixty jobs and got no responce. I wasn't being picky either, I applied for everything from cleaning to factory work and care.

Time went on and I heard nothing.

I despised that I was one of those people of whom I despised so much. I always carried this perception that people on benefits were just too lazy to get a job but now I'm more sympathetic towards those who are trying their best to gain employment.

We moved out in the early spring of 2006 into a one bed roomed apartment a ten minute train ride away from her parents and friends.

We shopped for items we would need with her dad whom helped us move.

It was nice to have our own space; for her it took some time getting used to being able to make noise or play music without headphones but for me it was more like being back in Liverpool where I did what I wanted, when I wanted.

I had a job interview for a supported living home in Harrietsham, Maidstone. I was so happy that someone was interested in giving me a chance. The interview went well though I applied for the waking night position I was given days. I started one month later and learnt a lot considering that all I knew about care work was what ma had told me, otherwise I was clueless.

I remained there for a year and went from support worker to team leader which is an achievement considering I went in with no knowledge of care/support work.

Fallen-Angel

Christmas

2007-04-18T06:54:00.000+01:00

A couple of days later I moved into her room at her parents house anxious and not quite knowing what to say or do like anyone would do if they were in my situation.

Christmas day was a strange affair as I felt out of place but looking back I would have been alone in my room so this was a total new experience for me.

The night of Christmas eve and the morning of Christmas day was spent at our friends house. We didn't sleep that night, we watched television and chatted laying on our makeshift bed and the sofa. Gifts were exchanged and we all sat together opening them in a way that I was not used to.

We spent time with friends and families enjoying this once a year occasion.

My family didn't really do Christmas, we exchanged gifts but there was no togetherness there. An argument would erupt over silly things, we would eat roast dinner together and return to our rooms where we would stay for the remainder of the day.

So you can understand how odd it felt to be included in the celebrations.

Fallen-Angel

A tearful start to a new life.

2007-04-18T06:34:00.000+01:00

I spent hours fighting back the tears alone in the lounge.

I went out front for another cigarette and phoned a friend whom I'd stayed with on my first visit to Kent, the home of the place where we had our first kiss. I didn't mean to cry so much or so hard, I just wanted someone to talk to. It turned out that she was on the phone to the couple upstairs whom had left me alone in their lounge in this strange county. The couple came downstairs wondering why I had phoned her and why I couldn't have just gone into their office and talked to them. I didn't say what I was thinking because they seemed angry at me. If I would've I would have said; I'm scared, lonely, I just want to see her, I need a cuddle and I want to go home where I am familiar with everything, and I don't want to be here anymore.
They took me in their car to where she worked and I was told to wait outside until they had been in and bought her outside. She came out dressed in her work uniform with a face that read 'what the hell is going on?'. I walked up to the shop and she saw that it was me. We hugged each other so tightly and I never wanted to let go.

I was fighting off the tears as hard as I could.

The next thought that crossed my mind was that now I had seen her that I would have to go back to their house feeling awkward and being abandoned again, alone but that wasn't the case. They drove me to our friends house and a familiar setting. I was dropped there and told we would be picked up later.
I was so glad to be in a place that I wasn't abandoned and that bared some resemblance to familiarity.

Minutes ticked by like hours and hours like days.

Then, the door opened stood there was the one, the entire reason for my move and abandonment of familiarity.

That night we stayed at the couples house. We didn't sleep and watched DVDs all night chatting away. I was tired as I hadn't slept for two days and the drama of moving had taken its toll on me and I fell asleep for an hour or so.

The plot to Kidnap Bob, as it was called was now complete.

Fallen-Angel