Questions I cannot answer

Its not like I'm not happy starving, I'm just not happy eating.
I can't deal with the guilt anymore.

Today I ate again and the pain was unbelievable then I was sick. Its true I ate and then ten minutes later I threw up, my body doesn't understand what food is anymore. Though don't get me wrong I'm not complaing about it, I only ate because my housemate was in the lounge with me and my stomach was making such a noise! I wasn't hungry.

I've been weak these past two days giving in to the complaints of my body. Its only my body, it can complain and moan all it likes as long as the mind is strong that's all that counts.
Well in my world that's all that matters.

I was lying in bed last night on my side and couldn't get comfy as my hip bone was digging into the mattress, bearing in mind I've always had prominent hip bones, but this time it really hurt. I guess this is a sign that what I'm doing is the rite thing. Strange as it may seem the more weight I loose the more confident I'm becoming, I'm more in control. I don't feel so ashamed in ballet when I stand in a loetard, my stomach doesn't stick out so much. It's still there though but slowly disappearing.

I'm constantly plagued with the images of thin pretty chicks. Everywhere I go its all I see and it reminds me of what I have to do in order to achieve that. I'm desperate to be wanted, accepted and hopefully one day loved. Although the love thing I'm seriously starting to doubt. I question my ability to love. Is it possible for a self obsessed person to love? The answer I do not know, the feelings I posses would say it was obvious.

I feel I'm not loosing weight fast enough, will I ever? I don't know how far I need to go until I feel acceptable to the world. I want to hide in a dark room with a candle and a knife.

I found out something very interesting on the internet tonight, this drug called Ipecac Syrup. It makes you throw up within twenty minutes of taking it. Its used for people who OD or take/eat poison. I couldn't find it in this country but in the states you can buy 30ml of it over the counter without prescription. I found a mail order site where you can purchase it and get it shipped over here. Its only $14.09 and shipping $7.75 and that's for five bottles of 30ml. It doesn't say how much you need to take for effect. I'm contemplating getting some for when I eat too much.