A cry for help

The beginning of a new chapter

Starting today: The day I start to try and rebuild my life and self esteem.

Things are complicated like always, text someone close telling about my problems and asking for help, help he couldn't give.
I'm stuck in a rut with nowhere to run, no one to turn to. I'm lost in this world, I don't fit it. I don't fit the mould that others do.
I'm sitting in my lounge alone with the music and my thoughts. My thoughts control me, every move I make I feel am judging. Am I good enough? Do I deserve to live? To be here?

Questions I can not answer, feelings I cannot stop.

My mind wonders as I log on-line, before I know it I'm typing in that addresses to those pro-ana sites and looking for answers, inspiration and most of all pictures of who I want to be; thin, pretty and perfect. Happy?
I spend hours looking at these sites that are kept hidden from view to protect us. I have loads of information on how, when, where and why. The why I know. The one thing I can say for sure I do know, everything else is a blur.

Its cold. Sitting here wrapped up, but its cold. I don't feel like going on. It this the end? Can anyone ever help me in my quest for eternal happiness? If not eternal I'd settle for a day, a minute, even a second, anything, please. I'm reaching out. Its so hard to admit you have a problem but when I get the courage to tell, nothing. Its like no one whants to know you. You reach, but how far can you reach before its to late, gone.

I can't reach forever.