No Plan

Woke up today with no plan on how I will make it through another day of sheer boredom. I made my escape as I went on the internet to book my coach ticket and check my mail. I went on the anavirgo site that I miss so much. I was reading a post that I put up about Ipecac syrup and how I couldn't get any shipped and thought about laxatives.

After I logged off I went to Boots to investigate and I found like ten different brands and bought some. It was easier than first anticipated they were next to the diet pills and slim fast products.
I took two then had dinner, well I say had dinner more poked it about a bit and left most of it. Later I took two more but have felt no effects accept the fact I've been to the bathroom a bit more but that could just be the fact I've drunk more today to curb the temptations of eating junk!

I've decided that when I get back to Liverpool I'm fasting no matter what it takes and for as long as I can.

For the past few days I have had constant craving to cut and its constantly on my mind. I'm thinking about cutting the bottom of my legs or the tops of my feet. I can cover that better than my wrists by wearing footless tights under my trousers at college and my normal trousers generally. When I do go out in a skirt I wear tights anyway.

I fear the temptation will be too much and I will cut.
I crave the red, the sight of blood.

The whole making food disappear so people think I'm eating it is working a treat! I've got a bag of it ready for the trash. Ma said what I don't eat I will just have to take with me, so I will loose that on the way to Kent!

I feel huge and the very thought of stepping on the scales scares me to the point if I did and gained I would not be responsible for what I do next. I will take the plunge after a week back in
Liverpool after some serious fasting.

The week in Devon is nearing an end and for once I'm doing OK. If I were to have stayed here for two weeks the story would be very different.

I've been thinking about putting pictures of thinsperation on my door in Liverpool. I have pictures on the walls and one or two thinsperation pictures that I have passed off as mates but I want a dedication section to ana. I want pictures, poetry, sayings and things to inspire me to peruse this for ever.

Remember the trick to life is to keep breathing.

Fallen-angel

xxx

Pretending I ate

Sat in my room alone. I pretended to eat earlier. I bought some fruit into my room on a plate and left the skins and cores on the plate throwing the rest away. I also have two bananas in a bag that I took out of the fruit bowl to make it look as if I'm eating it. The plan today is to fast and only drink water and fruit juice. I'm going to cook some vegetables in a bit and when ma goes to work throw them in the bag in my room. I will but them in the bottom of the wheelie bin so she doesn't find them or in the neighbour bin. I'm taking twice the dose of diet pills and about four times a day, when ever I eat even if its a piece of fruit or veg.

I'm scared that when I get back to Liverpool I will have gained weight. Going to Kent will help me loose weight as I hate eating in front of people and I' eating only fruit and vegetables. Maybe if I have managed to gain will loose it.

I was up my big sister's flat the other night and she commented that I do not need to loose anymore weight as I'm thin enough! Um can she not see the fat, my stomach bulging over my trousers? Obviously not. Another time I was talking to my little sister and she commented on how I should be careful I don't get anorexic, um a bit late for that now! On the subject on peoples comments a couple of people at college including teachers have said I've lost a lot of weight and quickly and how I must be careful I don't get anorexic! If only they knew.

We went to Exeter yesterday and as we were walking around I saw loads of Goths and skaters and a strange feeling came over me that I was safe and not alone knowing they are there. I can't explain it but ma was moaning about how I should wear pink as I am a girl instead of black, purple and brown. Its my style for fuck sakes. I don't complain about her and her fucked up dress sense so what gives her the right to have a moan at me?

Surviving

In Devon and I guess its not as bad as I thought, although nearly.

I went to the dentist on Christmas day! I need a filling! I'm so petrified and I think that my ma finally found out how bad it was as I walked out of the dentist room crying and dizzy she seemed quite shocked. I kept urging but as I had no food in me I couldn't be sick.

I was OK and coping until today when my ma commented to Jo (Bother, Wayne's wife) about me eating chocolate. She moaned that she bought me fruit, veg, low fat bread, Soya milk, ect and here is me eating junk. I was OK thinking its Christmas I will I allow myself a little treat. But no, her mouth has made me worse and I feel if I eat I'm a fat cow and if I don't they will suspect.

I really can't win with her, can I?

I know I'm fat but it is Christmas and I haven't eaten any type of junk for like a month two. I didn't eat pudding last night even though she asked me several times. I only ate vegetables for Christmas dinner, she said "oh you look like you are on a diet"! What the heck is she doing to me, she knows full well am on a diet. She has a go at me for contradicting her and she dose it to me all the time.

I want to go now, I've had enough of her abuse. I want to fast but then she will be like;
"oh starving ourself are we? It won't last. she can't stick to a diet even if she tried!"
As soon as I get back to Liverpool I'm fasting for as long as I can. I was kidding myself that I was loosing weight but all I see is fat and it repulses me.

Going to Kent will be OK as she told her parents I'm a vegan so hopefully I don't have to explain things to them.

I took three times the recommended dose of diet pills and hope that helps get rid of some of this fat. I have yet to do any workouts, I feel constantly tired for some reason and just want to sleep. I'm kinda sleeping at night but also for three or four hours in the afternoon! Its random as I don't sleep much!

It passes the day a bit faster.

Ma is off work tonight so will be able to workout in my room alone. Just me, the laptop, CD player and my thoughts! Thoughts that urge me on and not to eat, take more pills, get laxatives anything to help.

Updated

Constantly tied up with college, the dance show and my ma visiting I haven't had any time to myself.

Ma came up and performed her "usual" routine of singing my phrases in full view of the public and behind closed doors telling another story.

I have changed my opinion of my ma but at times she seems she has changed but other times she seems the same. She tells the truth about how I must not be a fat dancer and to try harder in order to be the best. Some people say she is too harsh and ask why she is like it and I simply reply she speaks the truth. To most people the whole truth is too much to handle but as I'm used to it can take it. I do thank my ma at times in my mind for being so honest and not shielding me form the world.

Although I've been so busy recently I still have found the time to contemplate what the future holds for me. I've come to the conclusion you are either born happy and stay happy or born sad and stay that way. There is no changing the events of birth. People may try and change your perspective on the world but it doesn't change a thing. Sure you can lie and pretend.

But for how long?

I've become professional at lying and covering up. To me each day I wake, wash, dress, put on make-up and then just before I leave I put on my front, an act for the public.

What you wear defines you and in many ways.

I'm gothic.

And I like it but to be noticed or "found out" about me real personality, the true me would just push me over the edge.

Thinking back to the college show and how my class rejects me.

She with all the blame.

I'm the one who just doesn't fit the mould.

During one of the breaks between shows the girls in my class were talking about how certain people in our group have defined styles. I have a defined individual style but obviously I don't count, least not them.

what about me? Am I no longer defined? Individual?

They talk in front of me about their hatred for Goths and "devil worshipers" knowing full well that I'm gothic but never the less they continue.

I won't follow the crowed and fit in, I don't understand why I should.
Another time in the corridor Katie (bitch!) counted how many of our class was lined up for the finally. She totally missed me out even though I was standing in full view between Amy and Gemma. I was thinking:

Do I not even exist to you or something?

I know I've never been one to fit in but to be acknowledged I exist would be enough. I still stick to my claim that because I'm not local (no where near!), speak differently, have my own words that they don't understand, dress and believe in different things they reject me. Ah well its their loss and if I'm not good enough for their clam.

Who cares?

Me at times. As sad and pathetic as it may seem I want to fit in and be noticed although I will not change anything I stand for in order to fit.

Reverting Back

My ma went back to Devon (Thursday 16th), I was glad in many ways.
All I ever want is to be alone but at the same time not to be alone.
I phoned ma Friday between the shows from my house to say I wouldn't be home Saturday night as Heidi and were going out and she started. She called me a liar, untrustworthy and selfish.

It was too much as after she hung up on me I looked down to the floor and found a piece of broken glass.

The previous night Catherine had dropped a glass down the stairs and whilst cleaning it up obviously had missed that piece.

I picked it up and ripped it across my wrist but it didn't cut deep enough so I broke the glass up. I found a sharp edge and cut my wrist several times with the sharp edge and the blood poured.
It was a huge release and the pressure was let out. The blood ran down my arm and I headed for the bathroom for tissue to soak it up, as I got to the top of the stairs I went dizzy.
I sat on the top stairs and cried for the blood kept coming.

I was scared for once in my life.

I wrapped my wrist up in kitchen roll and crate bandage. I wanted to rest on my bed but couldn't as I had to get back for the show. I walked to Asda bought a first aid kit as my previous ones had run out.

I caught the bus to college and was still feeling dizzy and sleepy. I fought nausea eventually and did perform in the show.

Covering up the cuts was just to easy, one black sweat band.
This gave me hope that I can continue cutting and cover.

An Angel

I have finally found someone who I can turn to, someone who will always be there understanding, a person who dose not judge. I don't know where she's been hiding or where she fell from but am glad she is here. She is my sanctuary, savior and a person who gives me some reasoning to my mere existence.

I stand more of a chance to see 2005.

We talk about ana, mia , diet pills and all secretive things. She helped me at college to change my bandage on my wrist. She is the only one who I have ever turned to in a point of need and desperation.

I wasn't afraid to show the cuts to her.

I'm going to her parents for New Years to get me away from my parents. She threw me a life line. She is prepared to keep my secrets.

I want to help her in return. I can do this through ana, showing her the ways of this underground population whom hide from view. I feel she so desperately wants to get to know and explore.

I will strive to help others who protect me.

something I Just Don't Believe In

Christmas. A joyous occasion, to bring people together, good tidings, sharing food, gifts and laughter.

Its all crap!

Religion?-what the heck is that all about, I'm not a believer in any religion. Although I contradict myself as I'm a believer in the religion of ana and the rules it brings. Ana, Mia and SI all have a book of rules and regulations.

Is ana, mia and SI a religion or an illness?

Take away the commercialism and religion of Christmas and you are left with a bunch of people who argue and relatives you have to make polite conversation with.

What's the point in it all?

The Next Trip Down South

The Christmas treck to Devon is getting nearer. I dread the whole going to see the family. I just want it to be like year when I spent it in Liverpool, alone. Even though I was severely depressed, harming, suicidal and ana I was "okay".

I don't want things to change, saying that I don't want to be depressed so much but the SI and ana I like. It may sound strange but I like SI as its helps me to cope in the world of today and as for ana she protects me at an the same time speaks only of the truth.

Every time I'm in Devon I end up the same; depressed, harming, not eating and when I finally fall asleep hoping I never wake up, the world stops for ever. It never happens.

I take the blade and rip it across my wrists until all I can see is red, I feel no more. To me red is all I live to see. Cut deeper, I say to myself its not enough.

What happens when to bleed isn't enough?

What then?

Visions of ana

I see ana in the mirrors at college when I dance. She stands elegantly.

She is 5"8, pale skin, dark eyes, black hair, she wears a white floaty dress and her nails are painted black. She wears no shoes.

I saw her in a lesson a week or so ago when I wasn't feeling to well, was dizzy and weak. I looked into the mirror and she was crying black tears and she was bleeding the reddest blood from her wrists. Her arms were relaxed by her side. Ana didn't seem to notice all the blood dripping onto the floor. I sat out for the rest of the lesson saying I felt dizzy. I haven't seen her since then.

Just now when I was upstairs brushing my teeth I heard a female voice say my name. It was like she was calling me back to my laptop to read more on her and about her lifestyle. It couldn't be anyone else as I'm home alone until my ma comes up tomorrow, I know joy to the world. I've never heard her voice but its calming and I don't feel alone. I'm glad she has come into my house in human form and not just in my mind.

When I really have to food shop she's there with me in Asda looking with me at the low fat, calorie, sugar, vegetarian and vegan foods that make me feel sick at the site of. It used to take me about half an hour to get around the store and out the door but now I'm in there for ages. I read all the labels of anything I want and deliberate weather or not to buy it. I won't buy anything over 100 calories, junk food or items in the freezer like vegetarian burgers, sausages or potato wedges. I won't but bread, rolls and no cake will pass my lips. I bought some bread the other day Nimble, low carbohydrate and felt so guilty as I read to calorie content, yet I bought it, a small loaf.

But no more, I can't, must not. I need to see her face, feel her presence. Where has she gone? Did I do bad, so bad that she left?

Ana please return.

I have bled for you, overdosed and almost died. I know I've not bled for two weeks as the risk is to high of people finding out but I still do the rest. What will it take for you to come back? I will do anything. Tell me in my sleep tonight. You might have trouble fighting through the nightmares that plague my dreams but I need you.

Love for always worthless one.

Writing: No More

Through desperation and no recreation I'm reaching out.
Lost and confused, in a daze I wonder.
I want to die but no one will kill me.
Please take the blame, reach for the flame and plunge it into my heart.
I want to live no more.
Feeling dizzy and constrained, I can't sleep.
Will I awake in the morning light? Take preparation for another day? I don't know.
To step out of this life, even for a breath, but I fear I will not return.
I need to bleed. I can't as I still see the marks of yesterdays.
The nightmares that plague my dreams will soon return.
I sleep no more for they are becoming reality.
People know, have seen and questiond.
The lies confuse me as I dig for more.
I love my secrets for they are me, the real person inside. I'm sick of putting on a front, from first thing in the morning till last thing at night.
I used to escape in my dreams but no more can I hide.
Take me out. I feel no more of life, no smile or laugh, I want to apart. Give me a relise date, a time and a place, anything to indicated the end is near.

Poem: The Journey

I'm scared and under prepared
sat on the train
still feeling the pain.
What will they gain from seeing me?
She with all the blame.

Questions I cannot answer
emotions I no longer tame.

I think to when you first came.
How you instantly took away my aim
set me apart from this game.
You pulled me away fast as a speedway train.

When I arrive
you'll be by my side
standing with pride
for I went for the ride.
Am I still strong and able to hide?

Poem: The Blade

Together with the blade
and my blood stained tears
I knowingly punish those
who hurt me.

Sitting in candle light
pretending threes no pain.
But what do I gain?

No one will awake
with my silent screams.
I watch the blood
run from a vein.

Tomorrow I will wake
but I'm only a fake.
I'll wear a smile
though only for a while.
I need to compile the
thoughts in my head
though al I see is red.

My body is drained.
I have nothing aside
from these blood stained tears.
I hide my fears, the blame
and hatred for this game.

I have no pride
I want to ride
please let my body
commit suicide.

The temptation is unbelievable.
No preparation to die.
Sit and hide unto you I confide.

"I'm off to die, yet I won't cry."

Questions

All I have is questions, questions I feel I can no longer answer. Confusion rules my head and heart.

I've went to Devon for a few days and parts of me say its done me good but others say its made me worse.

I've lost my self control and have started to eat "normally" again. What I class as "normal" others would say is not enough.

My stomach bloats, I feel huge.

I'm disgusted. I'm dirty.

I have committed a terrible crime for which I must be punished for. The reflection I see before me sickness me to the point I never want to eat again, but the total loss of my self control dose not all me to stop. I'm searching for the discipline I worked so hard to get.

Where has it gone?

I'm fasting starting tomorrow until my ma comes up (Sunday 12th).
I feel the urge to exercise more, burn more, rid myself of this fat of which controls my daily actions.

I tried making myself purge tonight but to no avail. I tried ordering Ipecac syrup on-line but it can't be shipped over. I'm desperate and need something to help me. I can't eat, the guilt is to much.

I'm sick of trying, when is it my turn for success?

I was shopping in Torquay earlier with my niece, Orlento. She pushed me over the edge driving me to a nervous breakdown. She was throwing the biggest tantrum and I mean the full blown tantrum.

i.e. Crying, Screaming, Shouting, Biting, Sitting and lying on the pavement.
I'm not in a strong, stable place right now and to have her throwing a tantrum for over two and a half hours just pushed me too far. It all got too much for me to handle so I had no choice but to call ma out and come pick us up.

The next few days were strange as I felt the breakdown made sense some of the thoughts plaguing my mind. It felt abstract, it was like nothing mattered for a time. I ate food without guilt and felt relaxed.


It didn't last.

I'm back in Liverpool now and scared of my own actions. I don't trust myself to be alone but have no choice.

Its all very well me handing out advice on the anavirgo message board but I should learn to take my own advise. I only hear the negative thoughts in my head, they control me and is all I know and understand.

I must not cut myself again, the cuts from weeks ago are still visible. I hate the scars from past times on my arms and wrists. I need to find another way to let out my anger, pain and hurt. I'm smoking again but trying to stop again as its making me ill. I'm trying alternative distractions.
I've been thinking about ana at Christmas and how I will cope. To avoid eating junk that's placed in front of my face, tempting fat.

Its going to be easier than first thought. I'm taking my folder and laptop down so I can type my thoughts, when weak I will look into my folder for inspiration. I will write an exercise plan for the holiday-It won't look suspicious as I need to keep fit and supple for college. The whole eating thing could be tricky but will take that each day and blagg my way through it. If I eat only in front of my family then that will curb suspicions. If I take food into my room, say I'm doing college work and throw it away.

Its a good job we have a dog as he will be eating my food instead of me!
My obsession with ana has once again taken over my life. It controls me even in my sleep. Every move I make, every step I take she (ana) is watching and guiding me.

Letter for ana

Dear Ana,
Once again I have failed you and for that I will punish myself. I gave in under pressure when I went to Devon. I have developed a new stricter regime.

1) More fasting and for longer periods of time.


2) More exercise; Walking, gymnastics, running and home workouts, daily.

3) Keep myself busy during meal times, especially around 6pm.

4) Drink more ice water.

5) Continue to add information and pictures to my ana folder.

With these guidelines and my new discipline that I will force myself to give everything to you.
I swear I will obey and loose my horrific fat that embezzles my body.

I will hide my shame and guilt.

I will keep our secret for eternity.

Ana, I'm sorry for disobeying you and betraying your undying love for me. I know I am weak and pathetic. Unworthy but desperately in need of you to return, take me under your wing once again, protect me from this world. I put my trust in you to speak the truth and nothing but the truth.

I'm begging for forgiveness, although I don't deserve, but please. You still have my undying love.

Love always

Worthless one

Fallen-angel

xxx