Updated

Constantly tied up with college, the dance show and my ma visiting I haven't had any time to myself.

Ma came up and performed her "usual" routine of singing my phrases in full view of the public and behind closed doors telling another story.

I have changed my opinion of my ma but at times she seems she has changed but other times she seems the same. She tells the truth about how I must not be a fat dancer and to try harder in order to be the best. Some people say she is too harsh and ask why she is like it and I simply reply she speaks the truth. To most people the whole truth is too much to handle but as I'm used to it can take it. I do thank my ma at times in my mind for being so honest and not shielding me form the world.

Although I've been so busy recently I still have found the time to contemplate what the future holds for me. I've come to the conclusion you are either born happy and stay happy or born sad and stay that way. There is no changing the events of birth. People may try and change your perspective on the world but it doesn't change a thing. Sure you can lie and pretend.

But for how long?

I've become professional at lying and covering up. To me each day I wake, wash, dress, put on make-up and then just before I leave I put on my front, an act for the public.

What you wear defines you and in many ways.

I'm gothic.

And I like it but to be noticed or "found out" about me real personality, the true me would just push me over the edge.

Thinking back to the college show and how my class rejects me.

She with all the blame.

I'm the one who just doesn't fit the mould.

During one of the breaks between shows the girls in my class were talking about how certain people in our group have defined styles. I have a defined individual style but obviously I don't count, least not them.

what about me? Am I no longer defined? Individual?

They talk in front of me about their hatred for Goths and "devil worshipers" knowing full well that I'm gothic but never the less they continue.

I won't follow the crowed and fit in, I don't understand why I should.
Another time in the corridor Katie (bitch!) counted how many of our class was lined up for the finally. She totally missed me out even though I was standing in full view between Amy and Gemma. I was thinking:

Do I not even exist to you or something?

I know I've never been one to fit in but to be acknowledged I exist would be enough. I still stick to my claim that because I'm not local (no where near!), speak differently, have my own words that they don't understand, dress and believe in different things they reject me. Ah well its their loss and if I'm not good enough for their clam.

Who cares?

Me at times. As sad and pathetic as it may seem I want to fit in and be noticed although I will not change anything I stand for in order to fit.

Reverting Back

My ma went back to Devon (Thursday 16th), I was glad in many ways.
All I ever want is to be alone but at the same time not to be alone.
I phoned ma Friday between the shows from my house to say I wouldn't be home Saturday night as Heidi and were going out and she started. She called me a liar, untrustworthy and selfish.

It was too much as after she hung up on me I looked down to the floor and found a piece of broken glass.

The previous night Catherine had dropped a glass down the stairs and whilst cleaning it up obviously had missed that piece.

I picked it up and ripped it across my wrist but it didn't cut deep enough so I broke the glass up. I found a sharp edge and cut my wrist several times with the sharp edge and the blood poured.
It was a huge release and the pressure was let out. The blood ran down my arm and I headed for the bathroom for tissue to soak it up, as I got to the top of the stairs I went dizzy.
I sat on the top stairs and cried for the blood kept coming.

I was scared for once in my life.

I wrapped my wrist up in kitchen roll and crate bandage. I wanted to rest on my bed but couldn't as I had to get back for the show. I walked to Asda bought a first aid kit as my previous ones had run out.

I caught the bus to college and was still feeling dizzy and sleepy. I fought nausea eventually and did perform in the show.

Covering up the cuts was just to easy, one black sweat band.
This gave me hope that I can continue cutting and cover.

An Angel

I have finally found someone who I can turn to, someone who will always be there understanding, a person who dose not judge. I don't know where she's been hiding or where she fell from but am glad she is here. She is my sanctuary, savior and a person who gives me some reasoning to my mere existence.

I stand more of a chance to see 2005.

We talk about ana, mia , diet pills and all secretive things. She helped me at college to change my bandage on my wrist. She is the only one who I have ever turned to in a point of need and desperation.

I wasn't afraid to show the cuts to her.

I'm going to her parents for New Years to get me away from my parents. She threw me a life line. She is prepared to keep my secrets.

I want to help her in return. I can do this through ana, showing her the ways of this underground population whom hide from view. I feel she so desperately wants to get to know and explore.

I will strive to help others who protect me.

something I Just Don't Believe In

Christmas. A joyous occasion, to bring people together, good tidings, sharing food, gifts and laughter.

Its all crap!

Religion?-what the heck is that all about, I'm not a believer in any religion. Although I contradict myself as I'm a believer in the religion of ana and the rules it brings. Ana, Mia and SI all have a book of rules and regulations.

Is ana, mia and SI a religion or an illness?

Take away the commercialism and religion of Christmas and you are left with a bunch of people who argue and relatives you have to make polite conversation with.

What's the point in it all?

The Next Trip Down South

The Christmas treck to Devon is getting nearer. I dread the whole going to see the family. I just want it to be like year when I spent it in Liverpool, alone. Even though I was severely depressed, harming, suicidal and ana I was "okay".

I don't want things to change, saying that I don't want to be depressed so much but the SI and ana I like. It may sound strange but I like SI as its helps me to cope in the world of today and as for ana she protects me at an the same time speaks only of the truth.

Every time I'm in Devon I end up the same; depressed, harming, not eating and when I finally fall asleep hoping I never wake up, the world stops for ever. It never happens.

I take the blade and rip it across my wrists until all I can see is red, I feel no more. To me red is all I live to see. Cut deeper, I say to myself its not enough.

What happens when to bleed isn't enough?

What then?