Surviving

In Devon and I guess its not as bad as I thought, although nearly.

I went to the dentist on Christmas day! I need a filling! I'm so petrified and I think that my ma finally found out how bad it was as I walked out of the dentist room crying and dizzy she seemed quite shocked. I kept urging but as I had no food in me I couldn't be sick.

I was OK and coping until today when my ma commented to Jo (Bother, Wayne's wife) about me eating chocolate. She moaned that she bought me fruit, veg, low fat bread, Soya milk, ect and here is me eating junk. I was OK thinking its Christmas I will I allow myself a little treat. But no, her mouth has made me worse and I feel if I eat I'm a fat cow and if I don't they will suspect.

I really can't win with her, can I?

I know I'm fat but it is Christmas and I haven't eaten any type of junk for like a month two. I didn't eat pudding last night even though she asked me several times. I only ate vegetables for Christmas dinner, she said "oh you look like you are on a diet"! What the heck is she doing to me, she knows full well am on a diet. She has a go at me for contradicting her and she dose it to me all the time.

I want to go now, I've had enough of her abuse. I want to fast but then she will be like;
"oh starving ourself are we? It won't last. she can't stick to a diet even if she tried!"
As soon as I get back to Liverpool I'm fasting for as long as I can. I was kidding myself that I was loosing weight but all I see is fat and it repulses me.

Going to Kent will be OK as she told her parents I'm a vegan so hopefully I don't have to explain things to them.

I took three times the recommended dose of diet pills and hope that helps get rid of some of this fat. I have yet to do any workouts, I feel constantly tired for some reason and just want to sleep. I'm kinda sleeping at night but also for three or four hours in the afternoon! Its random as I don't sleep much!

It passes the day a bit faster.

Ma is off work tonight so will be able to workout in my room alone. Just me, the laptop, CD player and my thoughts! Thoughts that urge me on and not to eat, take more pills, get laxatives anything to help.