Pretending I ate

Sat in my room alone. I pretended to eat earlier. I bought some fruit into my room on a plate and left the skins and cores on the plate throwing the rest away. I also have two bananas in a bag that I took out of the fruit bowl to make it look as if I'm eating it. The plan today is to fast and only drink water and fruit juice. I'm going to cook some vegetables in a bit and when ma goes to work throw them in the bag in my room. I will but them in the bottom of the wheelie bin so she doesn't find them or in the neighbour bin. I'm taking twice the dose of diet pills and about four times a day, when ever I eat even if its a piece of fruit or veg.

I'm scared that when I get back to Liverpool I will have gained weight. Going to Kent will help me loose weight as I hate eating in front of people and I' eating only fruit and vegetables. Maybe if I have managed to gain will loose it.

I was up my big sister's flat the other night and she commented that I do not need to loose anymore weight as I'm thin enough! Um can she not see the fat, my stomach bulging over my trousers? Obviously not. Another time I was talking to my little sister and she commented on how I should be careful I don't get anorexic, um a bit late for that now! On the subject on peoples comments a couple of people at college including teachers have said I've lost a lot of weight and quickly and how I must be careful I don't get anorexic! If only they knew.

We went to Exeter yesterday and as we were walking around I saw loads of Goths and skaters and a strange feeling came over me that I was safe and not alone knowing they are there. I can't explain it but ma was moaning about how I should wear pink as I am a girl instead of black, purple and brown. Its my style for fuck sakes. I don't complain about her and her fucked up dress sense so what gives her the right to have a moan at me?