Questions

All I have is questions, questions I feel I can no longer answer. Confusion rules my head and heart.

I've went to Devon for a few days and parts of me say its done me good but others say its made me worse.

I've lost my self control and have started to eat "normally" again. What I class as "normal" others would say is not enough.

My stomach bloats, I feel huge.

I'm disgusted. I'm dirty.

I have committed a terrible crime for which I must be punished for. The reflection I see before me sickness me to the point I never want to eat again, but the total loss of my self control dose not all me to stop. I'm searching for the discipline I worked so hard to get.

Where has it gone?

I'm fasting starting tomorrow until my ma comes up (Sunday 12th).
I feel the urge to exercise more, burn more, rid myself of this fat of which controls my daily actions.

I tried making myself purge tonight but to no avail. I tried ordering Ipecac syrup on-line but it can't be shipped over. I'm desperate and need something to help me. I can't eat, the guilt is to much.

I'm sick of trying, when is it my turn for success?

I was shopping in Torquay earlier with my niece, Orlento. She pushed me over the edge driving me to a nervous breakdown. She was throwing the biggest tantrum and I mean the full blown tantrum.

i.e. Crying, Screaming, Shouting, Biting, Sitting and lying on the pavement.
I'm not in a strong, stable place right now and to have her throwing a tantrum for over two and a half hours just pushed me too far. It all got too much for me to handle so I had no choice but to call ma out and come pick us up.

The next few days were strange as I felt the breakdown made sense some of the thoughts plaguing my mind. It felt abstract, it was like nothing mattered for a time. I ate food without guilt and felt relaxed.


It didn't last.

I'm back in Liverpool now and scared of my own actions. I don't trust myself to be alone but have no choice.

Its all very well me handing out advice on the anavirgo message board but I should learn to take my own advise. I only hear the negative thoughts in my head, they control me and is all I know and understand.

I must not cut myself again, the cuts from weeks ago are still visible. I hate the scars from past times on my arms and wrists. I need to find another way to let out my anger, pain and hurt. I'm smoking again but trying to stop again as its making me ill. I'm trying alternative distractions.
I've been thinking about ana at Christmas and how I will cope. To avoid eating junk that's placed in front of my face, tempting fat.

Its going to be easier than first thought. I'm taking my folder and laptop down so I can type my thoughts, when weak I will look into my folder for inspiration. I will write an exercise plan for the holiday-It won't look suspicious as I need to keep fit and supple for college. The whole eating thing could be tricky but will take that each day and blagg my way through it. If I eat only in front of my family then that will curb suspicions. If I take food into my room, say I'm doing college work and throw it away.

Its a good job we have a dog as he will be eating my food instead of me!
My obsession with ana has once again taken over my life. It controls me even in my sleep. Every move I make, every step I take she (ana) is watching and guiding me.