Today is a new day and new days mean new starts. From to day I'm looking to the future and concentrating on the positive things in life.
Today got off to a grate start, I text my boss from work to tell her that I wouldn't be coming into work today as I'm not feeling well and she text back saying "OK, don't bother coming back!" All I have to say to her is "Fuck you!" I'm not actually that bothered the only worry is money but I'm sure I will get another job where I am welcome and I don't have a bitch like that for a manager!
Aside that two mates came over for a while and all wasn't well. I wanted to talk to someone about shit and because of the other mate she didn't want a confrontation. I don't want to confront her about this but I feel I have to as I'm scared. Although she says my secrets are safe with her I want to sort this out. I don't want to loose her, we don't have much time together as I finish college in July and am moving away.
I'm going to miss her so much.
I hate leaving situations up like this that's why I want to sort it. I can't loose her.
On a totally different note I'm worried about the scars on my arms, hands and wrists and how they will effect my chances of getting a dancing job. You can vividly see them and I fear it will hold me back. I hope to fuck they fade more than they have. The last time I cut was only 9 days ago but no more.
I want to stop cutting, I must.
Its the Easter holidays and as I don't have a job am considering going to Devon for a week or so but am undecided. I have some possible jobs to phone tomorrow so hopefully that will work out. I don't know why but I feel strange that I'm not going down for the holiday. My parents are away but I'm welcome to stay at my big sisters. I could stay at my parents house but would end up killing my little sister or harming.
On the parental note I managed to talk my mum into bringing me back some cigarettes form Portugal! I have no idea how but I have.
I'm painting a brighter color on the world and looking to the future. There's no point looking at the negative in everything or deliberating the past.
what's the point?
For now at least things are tight money wise but I'm not worried something will come along and I will be able to sort it out.
Thursday, March 24, 2005
Sunday, March 20, 2005
Choices
To be the best you can you need to sacrifice things and at many times others. In what ever career choices make you need to push yourself to the top it won't just happen. Talent is nothing without perseverance and pain. The amount of times you have sat and cried until the tears are no more. Red eyed you sit debating your future and the point in it at all.
Why go through all this for something you say is never going to happen?
To be the very best you can be is hard, harder than you ever imagined. Day after day working so hard that your brain becomes mush, your body is begging you to stop but you can't, you won't. Pain is only superficial, least that's what they tell you. Get to the point of pain and push from there. You won't break, you are not made of glass. Just that little bit further and a bit more.
Having a dream is not enough.
Take me, a dancer, trained for over 16 years. Struggling with more than sweaty tights, blisters and exhaustion. From the naive persons perspective of dancers we have it easy. Easy! They have no insight into our world, what we have to go through to get even this far. Training daily, struggling to put ourselves through training school and then only to get thrown aside my many companies.
So why do we do it?
For the love of dance and the performing arts, the buzz we get from performing, that's why.
So you want to be the best?
Blood, sweat and tears all the way and nightly nine percent of it will be yours. Enter upon this trade at your own parel. Nobody's going to care in this profession if you are ill or having an off day as there are thousands to fill your place and they waiting right behind you. You falter and that's it, one wrong step and your out. Think about it carefully total dedication and more is
what's required everyday without fail.
Sacfrifice.
In this world, the world of the performing arts you must be prepared to sacrifice a lot. Friends and family become second or even third in order of protestation.
Behind closed doors.
In the under world of performing arts lies a deeper sacrifice one that is hidden well behind closed doors. Eating disorders become a way of life and not disorders. Your mind is distorted and paranoia sets in. Inside you know to be the best aside from training and dedication the body image is everything.
Who wants a fat dancer?
Starvation become key factors in this harsh world.
Why go through all this for something you say is never going to happen?
To be the very best you can be is hard, harder than you ever imagined. Day after day working so hard that your brain becomes mush, your body is begging you to stop but you can't, you won't. Pain is only superficial, least that's what they tell you. Get to the point of pain and push from there. You won't break, you are not made of glass. Just that little bit further and a bit more.
Having a dream is not enough.
Take me, a dancer, trained for over 16 years. Struggling with more than sweaty tights, blisters and exhaustion. From the naive persons perspective of dancers we have it easy. Easy! They have no insight into our world, what we have to go through to get even this far. Training daily, struggling to put ourselves through training school and then only to get thrown aside my many companies.
So why do we do it?
For the love of dance and the performing arts, the buzz we get from performing, that's why.
So you want to be the best?
Blood, sweat and tears all the way and nightly nine percent of it will be yours. Enter upon this trade at your own parel. Nobody's going to care in this profession if you are ill or having an off day as there are thousands to fill your place and they waiting right behind you. You falter and that's it, one wrong step and your out. Think about it carefully total dedication and more is
what's required everyday without fail.
Sacfrifice.
In this world, the world of the performing arts you must be prepared to sacrifice a lot. Friends and family become second or even third in order of protestation.
Behind closed doors.
In the under world of performing arts lies a deeper sacrifice one that is hidden well behind closed doors. Eating disorders become a way of life and not disorders. Your mind is distorted and paranoia sets in. Inside you know to be the best aside from training and dedication the body image is everything.
Who wants a fat dancer?
Starvation become key factors in this harsh world.
Why lie to them to lie to me to admit?
Why lie to them then lie to me only to later admit to me you lied to me and say you are sorry.
why did you feel you had to lie to me?
Trust is a frail thing in my world and for me to give you trust to have it ripped away cuts deeper than you could ever imagine. The trust has been thrown away and no longer do I trust you and doubt if I ever will. I don't give second chances, not even to you. I told you everything I could let my mouth say and I fear that it will no longer be our secret. They are my secrets and then were ours and now are my problems.
You know who you are.
Just rip my heart out and feed it to me, might as well.
For the damage has bin done, words have been said. All is left is the confrontation and explanation from you even then,
How do I know you are telling the truth?
I let you into my frail and secret world. I exposed you to what you wanted to know. Answered your questions.
I would have done anything for you but no more. Form now on you are alone. Don't get me wrong I'm not disowning you I just don't trust you and never will.
You took it all away.
why did you feel you had to lie to me?
Trust is a frail thing in my world and for me to give you trust to have it ripped away cuts deeper than you could ever imagine. The trust has been thrown away and no longer do I trust you and doubt if I ever will. I don't give second chances, not even to you. I told you everything I could let my mouth say and I fear that it will no longer be our secret. They are my secrets and then were ours and now are my problems.
You know who you are.
Just rip my heart out and feed it to me, might as well.
For the damage has bin done, words have been said. All is left is the confrontation and explanation from you even then,
How do I know you are telling the truth?
I let you into my frail and secret world. I exposed you to what you wanted to know. Answered your questions.
I would have done anything for you but no more. Form now on you are alone. Don't get me wrong I'm not disowning you I just don't trust you and never will.
You took it all away.
Monday, March 14, 2005
AGAIN
The nights drag as I find it harder to sleep although I'm tired. I smoke to fight the urges to cut and overdose. Lying here I feel the shame of my fatness.
Today at college I couldn't dance to the best of my ability as I'm weighed down with inch after inch of pure fat. Every lump and bump fully on display for the class to see.
I want to hide in comfort of death.
I'm so tired yet I can't sleep. Am I to engrossed to sleep? I've smoked so much at late I'm beginning to shake. I want another one but only have one and will need it for morning as I have to get up at 5:3am for work.
Each day I get fatter and the words of ana scream out for me to stop.
Stop eating you obese cow.
I've taken six lax though I want to take them all. I hate myself so much words nor actions can no longer portray.
Fuck this world and its beautiful place.
Why was I even born?
A night of passion for my parents ended with the birth of me and my life of hell. I was at one point considering seeking professional help of my depression but I'm not even worthy of that.
Any chance of happiness has gone.
I lie here in my bed listening to the Rasmus, Dead letters. On the windowsill a lavender candle burns. Tomorrow is another day and if I wasn't working wouldn't leave the house. I don't want to go to college. Last year I missed college because of my shame. My worthless self, fucked up mind and abused body.
I thought I could be happy, maybe one day I will know what its like to smile or laugh naturally.
I feel physically sick at the thought of myself breathing. Maybe I should stop.
Cross the borderline.
Rip the blade across my wrists please, the blood will soon come. Its purity will show me the way. Releasing the fat by passage of veins.
There is blood where I write.
I'm writing these words as the blood drips down my wrist. Soaked up by a tissue the purest form of escape is released, running free at last. The poison is leaving.
Not even my blood wants to remain in me.
The blood is warm against my pale cold skin.
I need to cover as I have to face the world again tomorrow. Bandages and bracelets are once again coming out.
Do I have any regrets?
Yes. That I didn't cut deeper, press harder with the blade.
Feeling the realise it total euphoria. I am desperate to do more but for now the cutting is over. The underside of my right wrist is nothing aside red, covered in blood. I feel no pain, not even burning from the blade, nothing, numb. I'm relaxed now and feel I am able to sleep.
I'm living up to my name: Fallen-Angel.
Its time to sleep now and rest my head upon my pillow. Close my eyes just for a while. So until the morning light appears good night.
Fallen-Angel x
Today at college I couldn't dance to the best of my ability as I'm weighed down with inch after inch of pure fat. Every lump and bump fully on display for the class to see.
I want to hide in comfort of death.
I'm so tired yet I can't sleep. Am I to engrossed to sleep? I've smoked so much at late I'm beginning to shake. I want another one but only have one and will need it for morning as I have to get up at 5:3am for work.
Each day I get fatter and the words of ana scream out for me to stop.
Stop eating you obese cow.
I've taken six lax though I want to take them all. I hate myself so much words nor actions can no longer portray.
Fuck this world and its beautiful place.
Why was I even born?
A night of passion for my parents ended with the birth of me and my life of hell. I was at one point considering seeking professional help of my depression but I'm not even worthy of that.
Any chance of happiness has gone.
I lie here in my bed listening to the Rasmus, Dead letters. On the windowsill a lavender candle burns. Tomorrow is another day and if I wasn't working wouldn't leave the house. I don't want to go to college. Last year I missed college because of my shame. My worthless self, fucked up mind and abused body.
I thought I could be happy, maybe one day I will know what its like to smile or laugh naturally.
I feel physically sick at the thought of myself breathing. Maybe I should stop.
Cross the borderline.
Rip the blade across my wrists please, the blood will soon come. Its purity will show me the way. Releasing the fat by passage of veins.
There is blood where I write.
I'm writing these words as the blood drips down my wrist. Soaked up by a tissue the purest form of escape is released, running free at last. The poison is leaving.
Not even my blood wants to remain in me.
The blood is warm against my pale cold skin.
I need to cover as I have to face the world again tomorrow. Bandages and bracelets are once again coming out.
Do I have any regrets?
Yes. That I didn't cut deeper, press harder with the blade.
Feeling the realise it total euphoria. I am desperate to do more but for now the cutting is over. The underside of my right wrist is nothing aside red, covered in blood. I feel no pain, not even burning from the blade, nothing, numb. I'm relaxed now and feel I am able to sleep.
I'm living up to my name: Fallen-Angel.
Its time to sleep now and rest my head upon my pillow. Close my eyes just for a while. So until the morning light appears good night.
Fallen-Angel x
Thursday, March 10, 2005
Dear ana
Dear ana,
This is for you and you alone. You know the world belongs to you, you determine my every action, every breath. People say you are only an illness, a diseasae but you are more, a lot more. My day starts and ends with you.
This lack of passion for life is becasue of you.
I hate everything I stand for, everything I belive in. I hate me. Going through life is sheer hell and all I've ever wanted is out.
You know in the HIM lyrics for Burried alive by love?I feel burried alive by tourture only daily.
I thought you loved me and I did/do anything for you, anything to please you and yet its never good enough. I restrict, fast, cut, get sick, dizzy spells, pass out. You are like my ma never satisifed until I'm gone to far beyond the point of recognision.
Don't worry I'm not leaving you, I can't, I'm trapped for life, with you inside me. I thought I was in control but am I? Really? NO. Thats the answer your looking for.
I've lost out on oppertunities in love, life and future oppertunities. I was ashamed to step outisde at times last year and as a result of my failure, fatness and patheticness my grades showed me how dumb I really am. I'm unworthy of breathing clean air so I poloute my body with smoke. Punish myself with a blade. I've passed the days quicker by taking overdoses as to pass out and maybe awaken the next or the day after.
I've gone beyond oall reasoning to be healthy or normal. Fuck it all. Its too late the damage has been done.The love for you from me still shines strong abouve anyother. You will always be here inside me for eternity.
A pain that will never seace. Blood that will never stop. Always the worthless one never worthy.
Fallen-angel x
This is for you and you alone. You know the world belongs to you, you determine my every action, every breath. People say you are only an illness, a diseasae but you are more, a lot more. My day starts and ends with you.
This lack of passion for life is becasue of you.
I hate everything I stand for, everything I belive in. I hate me. Going through life is sheer hell and all I've ever wanted is out.
You know in the HIM lyrics for Burried alive by love?I feel burried alive by tourture only daily.
I thought you loved me and I did/do anything for you, anything to please you and yet its never good enough. I restrict, fast, cut, get sick, dizzy spells, pass out. You are like my ma never satisifed until I'm gone to far beyond the point of recognision.
Don't worry I'm not leaving you, I can't, I'm trapped for life, with you inside me. I thought I was in control but am I? Really? NO. Thats the answer your looking for.
I've lost out on oppertunities in love, life and future oppertunities. I was ashamed to step outisde at times last year and as a result of my failure, fatness and patheticness my grades showed me how dumb I really am. I'm unworthy of breathing clean air so I poloute my body with smoke. Punish myself with a blade. I've passed the days quicker by taking overdoses as to pass out and maybe awaken the next or the day after.
I've gone beyond oall reasoning to be healthy or normal. Fuck it all. Its too late the damage has been done.The love for you from me still shines strong abouve anyother. You will always be here inside me for eternity.
A pain that will never seace. Blood that will never stop. Always the worthless one never worthy.
Fallen-angel x
Monday, March 07, 2005
Sick
I've been sick for about a week or more. Constantly dizzy and not knowing weather I'm going to pass out or not.
The other day I was at Fairy Dusts place and she was cutting and dying my hair. I was sat on a chair and went really dizzy and so close to passing out. I aid down on her bed and passed out. She gave me a cup of tea with three sugars to wake me up. And yes it tasted disgusting! Today I've been dizzy and sick a lot. I can just about manage to keep water down. My chest is really painful and my stomach kills from throwing up and constantly urging. I can just about recollect the past few days with a blurred memory of past events.
What is the matter with me?
I hate being ill, I guess no one likes it but I feel so yuck. I feel so lazy although I can't stand let alone exercise.
All I have to say is what's the point?
The other day I was at Fairy Dusts place and she was cutting and dying my hair. I was sat on a chair and went really dizzy and so close to passing out. I aid down on her bed and passed out. She gave me a cup of tea with three sugars to wake me up. And yes it tasted disgusting! Today I've been dizzy and sick a lot. I can just about manage to keep water down. My chest is really painful and my stomach kills from throwing up and constantly urging. I can just about recollect the past few days with a blurred memory of past events.
What is the matter with me?
I hate being ill, I guess no one likes it but I feel so yuck. I feel so lazy although I can't stand let alone exercise.
All I have to say is what's the point?
Sunday, March 06, 2005
Fuck them all!
You try everything to be the best you can be.
You work and train hard only to get knocked back down for being fat. I was reading the auditions in The Stage (performers news paper) and found one that looked really intoresting until I came to the bottom of the article ans it said you had to be a UK 8-10. It makes me so fuckin mad. I try my best and work my arse off only to have it snatched away.
Professionals wounder why 45% of dancers have eating dissorders!
Humm let me think? Its becasue of you fuckin people, the producers, directors, choreographers and you the general public.
In the past two hours I have consumed seven cans of Fosters and a quater of a pint of Rum.
This is a short post as I don't want to say anything I'll regret.
I love you all including those who don't know you mean more than the world to me. I appologise for my line of thinking but fuck I don't care if you want to outcast and reject me go ahead, be shallow.
I'm not drunk but tipsey.
I'm pissed off at this world and all that it contains.
fall
You work and train hard only to get knocked back down for being fat. I was reading the auditions in The Stage (performers news paper) and found one that looked really intoresting until I came to the bottom of the article ans it said you had to be a UK 8-10. It makes me so fuckin mad. I try my best and work my arse off only to have it snatched away.
Professionals wounder why 45% of dancers have eating dissorders!
Humm let me think? Its becasue of you fuckin people, the producers, directors, choreographers and you the general public.
In the past two hours I have consumed seven cans of Fosters and a quater of a pint of Rum.
This is a short post as I don't want to say anything I'll regret.
I love you all including those who don't know you mean more than the world to me. I appologise for my line of thinking but fuck I don't care if you want to outcast and reject me go ahead, be shallow.
I'm not drunk but tipsey.
I'm pissed off at this world and all that it contains.
fall
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