Sanctuary within the house. The feeling that you are safe. Knowledge of the space. That's my definition of a home. Notice the lack of material objects, although at first we think life is nothing without them. Sentimental values placed within them is still in the mind although the object no longer survives. The ablility to let go yet not forget is remarkable.
The people of friends, family and loved ones may come and go but we have the inner ability to survive and continue.
Life goes on, we travel through watching the set backs as they happen. We are strong and cope remarkably well against times of joy and sorrow, loss and gain.
The gift of life and the will to try is all that we ask and give.
Emotions are strong; pain is real.
Time to question; Safe in life?
We are safe to breathe alone in darkness but not to breathe and be in constant light?
No. We would break and snap.
The human: A fragile being tamed yet wild. Caged yet free.
Fallen-angel
Friday, January 28, 2005
Poem: Best friends with an angel
They talk to you,
understand and believe in you.
dissolving your problems they try.
To succeed in making a smile,
creating a picture.
Showing a light.
A glimmer of hope.
they fight.
Kind words of a gentle heart.
A voice of velvet,
soft and knowledgeable.
A secret support.
The floor beneath us.
A warm touch of soft skin.
Throw me a life line I'm reaching out.
An angel in human form.
guidance for life.
Tread with care,
few to spare.
The true are rare,
please take care.
For love and life
best friends are there.
In angels we pair.
understand and believe in you.
dissolving your problems they try.
To succeed in making a smile,
creating a picture.
Showing a light.
A glimmer of hope.
they fight.
Kind words of a gentle heart.
A voice of velvet,
soft and knowledgeable.
A secret support.
The floor beneath us.
A warm touch of soft skin.
Throw me a life line I'm reaching out.
An angel in human form.
guidance for life.
Tread with care,
few to spare.
The true are rare,
please take care.
For love and life
best friends are there.
In angels we pair.
Poem: Breathe
What it means to breathe
is to know that you are alive.
To walk the streets in search of life.
To breathe is to accept life and
the imperfections created.
Through this world we travel the universe.
Don't forget to breathe.
To stop will not undo or vanquish negativity.
Inhale purity and exhale the dirt.
To breathe is to know you are alive.
Awaken from your dreams
the daylight has returned.
Another day is upon us.
is to know that you are alive.
To walk the streets in search of life.
To breathe is to accept life and
the imperfections created.
Through this world we travel the universe.
Don't forget to breathe.
To stop will not undo or vanquish negativity.
Inhale purity and exhale the dirt.
To breathe is to know you are alive.
Awaken from your dreams
the daylight has returned.
Another day is upon us.
Sunday, January 23, 2005
The blood and the blade
To the time when I thought to bleed wouldn't be enough, now all I want to do is bleed. These cravings for the red are getting worse and I fear the day will soon come where I will not be able to fend them off.
To cave in an cut.
To re-open the still healing scars just once more. The day is drawing nearer and the red is clearer in my mind. The visions of blood pouring down my arms onto my body.
Lie in the relief of letting go.
I am in a downward spiral and fear again that I will not have the strength to fight. The feeling is all to familiar. The happiness found in recent times has gone and am left with the doubt and uncertainty of what tomorrow may bring. Hoping not to awake or see the break of morning light is my idea of heaven.
How easy it would be just to swallow those pills again and sleep for eternity.
To fight? What for?
I want to succeed in life but as time goes on it looks more and more doubtful. I see others laugh and perform and wishing I could be like them. I dance, I love it, not to dance would kill me but I'm like many in feeling that I'm not good enough. I was watching Fame the other night on DVD. It came to the part when the teacher told Lisa that she was out as she will never be good enough. I await that daily at college. I'm waiting for the day they say I will never be good enough to perform. Gee, I think it often enough they might as well tell me I'm wasting my time.
Its past 3am and I think what the heck have I done with my life? I know I've accomplished much in the way of performing arts and showbusiness. I guess fighting ana and SI but am still lingering in there with them and I quit smoking.
Am I proud of my acheivemnts?
-At times I am and other times am not.
Would I change anything in my life?
-No. As I cannot change the past but if I could for sue I'd change so much.
To give it all for one last breath.
To cave in an cut.
To re-open the still healing scars just once more. The day is drawing nearer and the red is clearer in my mind. The visions of blood pouring down my arms onto my body.
Lie in the relief of letting go.
I am in a downward spiral and fear again that I will not have the strength to fight. The feeling is all to familiar. The happiness found in recent times has gone and am left with the doubt and uncertainty of what tomorrow may bring. Hoping not to awake or see the break of morning light is my idea of heaven.
How easy it would be just to swallow those pills again and sleep for eternity.
To fight? What for?
I want to succeed in life but as time goes on it looks more and more doubtful. I see others laugh and perform and wishing I could be like them. I dance, I love it, not to dance would kill me but I'm like many in feeling that I'm not good enough. I was watching Fame the other night on DVD. It came to the part when the teacher told Lisa that she was out as she will never be good enough. I await that daily at college. I'm waiting for the day they say I will never be good enough to perform. Gee, I think it often enough they might as well tell me I'm wasting my time.
Its past 3am and I think what the heck have I done with my life? I know I've accomplished much in the way of performing arts and showbusiness. I guess fighting ana and SI but am still lingering in there with them and I quit smoking.
Am I proud of my acheivemnts?
-At times I am and other times am not.
Would I change anything in my life?
-No. As I cannot change the past but if I could for sue I'd change so much.
To give it all for one last breath.
Friday, January 21, 2005
Why do I always think of me? Am I really that self centered?
I read into situations and comments to far. I preempted feelings I may feel and things I may do . To breathe and let go just for a while sounds an easy enough task but for the obsessed person it's too much of a challenge. Take a look at the world around, its in disarray, yet I think of me and wallow in my self pity.
Honestly, am I that self obsessed? Do I really only think of myself?
My whole life is ana and staying faithful to her. Till death do us part, no matter what.
Fairydust is an angel mentioned before and a savior to me. A light at the end of the tunnel. She commends me and asks the angels to help me succeed. Fairy deserves the world and the world deserves her.
A dear friend at home that means more than he will ever know has troubles and I wish I could help. The distance sometimes, well most is hard although the feelings go untold.
To say I'm a emotional person is true but strictly behind closed doors, alone.
Another year has passed and what can I say I achieved? Nothing. I still can't open and talk to my closest friends. Yeah I talk to Fairydust but not all things have words to express.
The few things I can say I have achieved is to quit smoking and not cutting. I have opened up to fairydust as although she has a less knowledge of ana and the rituals involved, she understands and accepts.
This is to thank the few people that help or try to. Thank you all and apologies to them for holding back. I can't talk or open up but I try.
Honestly, am I that self obsessed? Do I really only think of myself?
My whole life is ana and staying faithful to her. Till death do us part, no matter what.
Fairydust is an angel mentioned before and a savior to me. A light at the end of the tunnel. She commends me and asks the angels to help me succeed. Fairy deserves the world and the world deserves her.
A dear friend at home that means more than he will ever know has troubles and I wish I could help. The distance sometimes, well most is hard although the feelings go untold.
To say I'm a emotional person is true but strictly behind closed doors, alone.
Another year has passed and what can I say I achieved? Nothing. I still can't open and talk to my closest friends. Yeah I talk to Fairydust but not all things have words to express.
The few things I can say I have achieved is to quit smoking and not cutting. I have opened up to fairydust as although she has a less knowledge of ana and the rituals involved, she understands and accepts.
This is to thank the few people that help or try to. Thank you all and apologies to them for holding back. I can't talk or open up but I try.
Sunday, January 16, 2005
Give it all
To give it all, my life to be thin.
Look at the reflection staring back.
Deal with the guilt of temptation
Hide in the recreation of the blade.
Fight for life, what for?
To live repenting your every action?
Pointless.
My mere existence is for other people to poke fun at.
Blood.
The red stuff craved for by many and many a day bleed to escape.
My whole life right now seems to be ana and SI.
Nothing else.
Pointless the reason to stop.
relief to carry on.
Look at the reflection staring back.
Deal with the guilt of temptation
Hide in the recreation of the blade.
Fight for life, what for?
To live repenting your every action?
Pointless.
My mere existence is for other people to poke fun at.
Blood.
The red stuff craved for by many and many a day bleed to escape.
My whole life right now seems to be ana and SI.
Nothing else.
Pointless the reason to stop.
relief to carry on.
Sitting in the corner
Sitting in the corner amogest the voices.
Darkness creeps all around.
A spot of light from a window floods the floor. You huddle and cry.
Scared from your wits you sit mentally preparing for what happens next.
Take one last look at life.
Is this what you really want?
"Yes"
Dead
Darkness creeps all around.
A spot of light from a window floods the floor. You huddle and cry.
Scared from your wits you sit mentally preparing for what happens next.
Take one last look at life.
Is this what you really want?
"Yes"
Dead
Friday, January 14, 2005
6.4 stone
I've been back in Liverpool less than a week and already back on the anavirgo site. I missed it so much talking to people who understand you and don't push recovery upon you. I was online the other day looking up ballerina's diets and their weights. I was shocked at how thin they actually are, I know they are thin but to read some of the stories about how they eat a maximum of 800 calories a day. They weigh 90-105 pounds (6.4-7.5 stone. I want to weight 90 pounds (6.4 stone)-I didn't think that 90 pounds was under 7 stone but hey is my goal. I've got a long way to go but am determined nether the less.
Andrea is back at college (tutor who was on maternity leave). I'm worried that she will be keeping an eye on me as every time I see her she comments that I've lost weight. I last saw her in October when I performed in tribute to Gregory Hines (famous black American tap dancer) and she said I looked slim and grate. Then she watched the college dance show in December and came backstage and hugged me and asked me if I was eating properly, I blagged that I'd been ill and luckily she believed that. Now she's back full time I don't know what she will do as I'm continuing to loose weight no matter what.
Andrea is back at college (tutor who was on maternity leave). I'm worried that she will be keeping an eye on me as every time I see her she comments that I've lost weight. I last saw her in October when I performed in tribute to Gregory Hines (famous black American tap dancer) and she said I looked slim and grate. Then she watched the college dance show in December and came backstage and hugged me and asked me if I was eating properly, I blagged that I'd been ill and luckily she believed that. Now she's back full time I don't know what she will do as I'm continuing to loose weight no matter what.
Saturday, January 01, 2005
The reasoning behind it all
Dizzy and confused I wonder the streets.
Comtemplation of my bleak furture is what I think.
To strive for perfection.
Starve for imcaulation.
To do whatever it takes
I'm prepaired.
The warnings and words of others
I can hear them.
I just chose to ignore them.
Shocking images I befriend and admire
for bones are all I want to see.
Pain, blood, sweat and tears.
I can cope with as to reap in the rewards.
My vision of heaven.
The pain of hunger, muscle aches and blackouts.
The blood from my wrists and arms.
The sweat form constant workouts and exercise regimes.
The tears of weakness.
To feel empowered and able must be amazing.
As I think back to before when bleeding, not eating and exercsing wasn't enough
I recal how to count the ribs and feel the colar bone.
Amazing.
To be imaculate and live to show it.
I know I will never be thin enough and when I am I will be dead becasue of the love for ana
Comtemplation of my bleak furture is what I think.
To strive for perfection.
Starve for imcaulation.
To do whatever it takes
I'm prepaired.
The warnings and words of others
I can hear them.
I just chose to ignore them.
Shocking images I befriend and admire
for bones are all I want to see.
Pain, blood, sweat and tears.
I can cope with as to reap in the rewards.
My vision of heaven.
The pain of hunger, muscle aches and blackouts.
The blood from my wrists and arms.
The sweat form constant workouts and exercise regimes.
The tears of weakness.
To feel empowered and able must be amazing.
As I think back to before when bleeding, not eating and exercsing wasn't enough
I recal how to count the ribs and feel the colar bone.
Amazing.
To be imaculate and live to show it.
I know I will never be thin enough and when I am I will be dead becasue of the love for ana
Another year?
Another new year another day in the life of me. To start the new year I cut my wrists and my hand. I couldn't help it ma made me do it. I was in her bedroom and she was poking the fat on my hips and telling me the chocolate I consumed yesterday will make me fatter. I almost made it through a week in Devon without cutting but no she had to make me feel even lower than I already feel. Along side the cuts that are more scars and scabs on my left wrist, I also have two cuts on the top of my wrist and one on my hand. On the other have a few scratches that drew blood on the wrist. At least they are only on the surface now instead of deeper although I wanted to cut deeper. I'm just hoping that the scars disappear on my left wrist as they look digusting and are now purple.
Dose she not think I can see the fat for myself and that I need it pointed out daily?
I'm fasting tomorrow on the way up to Kent. I've got some mints in case my stomach makes loads of noise!
I really can't believe I ate so much over Christmas, I know everyone says that but I really have. I didn't eat breakfast and only had lunch a few times but I ate dinner and snacked. Dinner consisted of vegetable stew or veg and Quorn chicken. Snacks were of chocolate and junk. I have been making food disappear again.
Like I said a few days ago I'm fasting once I get back to Liverpool and whilst in Kent only eating vegan foods.
I'm in my room hidden from the world typing up my ana folder so I can post it on my website: www.fallenanangelana.blogspot.com I want to share the information I have gathered with others who love ana/mia and SI, although I don't have that much information on self harming yet.
Dose she not think I can see the fat for myself and that I need it pointed out daily?
I'm fasting tomorrow on the way up to Kent. I've got some mints in case my stomach makes loads of noise!
I really can't believe I ate so much over Christmas, I know everyone says that but I really have. I didn't eat breakfast and only had lunch a few times but I ate dinner and snacked. Dinner consisted of vegetable stew or veg and Quorn chicken. Snacks were of chocolate and junk. I have been making food disappear again.
Like I said a few days ago I'm fasting once I get back to Liverpool and whilst in Kent only eating vegan foods.
I'm in my room hidden from the world typing up my ana folder so I can post it on my website: www.fallenanangelana.blogspot.com I want to share the information I have gathered with others who love ana/mia and SI, although I don't have that much information on self harming yet.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
