To the time when I thought to bleed wouldn't be enough, now all I want to do is bleed. These cravings for the red are getting worse and I fear the day will soon come where I will not be able to fend them off.
To cave in an cut.
To re-open the still healing scars just once more. The day is drawing nearer and the red is clearer in my mind. The visions of blood pouring down my arms onto my body.
Lie in the relief of letting go.
I am in a downward spiral and fear again that I will not have the strength to fight. The feeling is all to familiar. The happiness found in recent times has gone and am left with the doubt and uncertainty of what tomorrow may bring. Hoping not to awake or see the break of morning light is my idea of heaven.
How easy it would be just to swallow those pills again and sleep for eternity.
To fight? What for?
I want to succeed in life but as time goes on it looks more and more doubtful. I see others laugh and perform and wishing I could be like them. I dance, I love it, not to dance would kill me but I'm like many in feeling that I'm not good enough. I was watching Fame the other night on DVD. It came to the part when the teacher told Lisa that she was out as she will never be good enough. I await that daily at college. I'm waiting for the day they say I will never be good enough to perform. Gee, I think it often enough they might as well tell me I'm wasting my time.
Its past 3am and I think what the heck have I done with my life? I know I've accomplished much in the way of performing arts and showbusiness. I guess fighting ana and SI but am still lingering in there with them and I quit smoking.
Am I proud of my acheivemnts?
-At times I am and other times am not.
Would I change anything in my life?
-No. As I cannot change the past but if I could for sue I'd change so much.
To give it all for one last breath.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment