A new plan of life

Its eairly evening and I've been online for a few hours now on the messagevboards posting. I'm catching up as I've been away visiting the parentals. I crave so many things like chocolate and pizza although I've been diagnosed lactose intolerant again and so can not eat event the littlest of dairy products although its all I crave right now. I don't consume much in the way of dairy theses days but no more. Its strange I don't usually crave dairy but its like smoking once you stop you really crave.

Another stepping stone in my life begins when I awake a with new regime. A plan of the forthcoming month of which failure is not an option. To strive for results and the ability to strive for what I want. Although I'm not sure these days what I want aside death, like people are going to let me do that!

My days start at 5:30am with work, then college from 9am until 3-6pm (depending on what day), gym for 2 hours, swim and home about 7-9pm and bed! Ok when its written like that it looks a bit manic but hey I don't sleep so shouldn't be a problem.

Have things changed?

So I went to Devon last week and to be honest it wasn't merely as bad as previous times.

Did I self harm?

Yeah I did, that's going to shock others that I lied to about it but I had to I'm so ashamed that I couldn't stop. I was at work and started scratching at my right wrist and once I started I couldn't stop. I needed to feel the burn and release that only selfharming can bring. I was left with this bloody, itchy scab that looks like a friction burn so that's where the story came from. I told everyone that's what it was and made up a story to match.
To those two people I sincerely apologise but I didn't want to show you another failed attempt.

For the most part it was ok although I have started smoking again. I know, I know but hey it was either that or the blade and I know which you all prefer. I would have loved to grab the blade and slit into eternity but I resisted.

Back up in Liverpool things are a little better especially on the job front. I have a job cleaning in a shop called Open, I work 7-9am 6 days a week. Aside that I'm back taking the pills again, I stopped trying to be "pure ana" but I started to gain so that idea went out the window!
I've also been seriously thinking about going to the doctors about my depression as I can't be dealing with it not at this important time of year (college and carrer). I'm scared in case they ask if I self harm or have suicidal tendencies as the scars will prove one and the medical records the other. I could lie as I don't wish to tell of it but I don't think they will believe me.

Do I risk it all for an easy ride?

Do I spill and risk it all or do I suffer in silence? I've asked a few people for their opinions and am still debating weather to take the plunge.

What dose it feel like to be happy?

I've lost all sense for what it feels like to be happy, sure I may come across as happy but I can act. Gees I've been to drama school since could walk so am a pro at it now! I always hang on the negatives of every posisitve just so I know what the downside is like if I were to experience it. I guess you could say I'm setting myself up for failure but I usually end up on the darker side.

So have things changed?

Yes they have and maybe for the better. I'm considering help!

What the fuck am I thinking no one can help me! Gees I'm in an imaginary world where people actual give a shit for me. I can safely say two people care what happens to me, out of all the people I know only two know of my life behind closed doors. Thought you don't know the half of my struggle to wake everyday, put on a brave face and leave the house. I have gotten to the stage often of not being able to leave the house, the world is to scary all those judging faces. I have missed college because of it, I say I am/was ill but the truth is I couldn't face leaving the sanctuary of my house. I don't feel safe here but I can hide and that's all that matters.

Life goes on with or without me so its ok that I at times hide away, its not like I'm missed.

Poem: Join me in death

Why don't you join me in death?
You state that living ain't that grate.
Just swallow the pills,
cradle in my arms and sleep.
Together we can sleep for eternity.

No prince with a kiss shall awaken us.
No touch of a warm heart
or surviving off one's last breath.
Nothing shall awaken us.

Why don't you join me in death?
Take your last breath.
Pass from this world and look
into the eyes if death.
We both shall reap in rewards of love.

To say for sure what lies after death.
To see if there is a haven or hell.
Come back as a ghost.
To be as light as air.

Its what we both want.
So why not in death?
Come join me.
Don't put it off
as for me it maybe to late.

In death I am free,
willing and able.
I love to be you angel.
guidance I give you,
pathways that run clear
Your prayer's I answer.

You waited to long for death.
I am dead.
Your angel that watches over you
that's me.

Why don't you join me in death?
We promised to go together,
only I made it through.
You stayed behind.

We are separated by a one way mirror.
I can see you,
hear you breathe.
Can you see me?

Writing: Safe in life

Sanctuary within the house. The feeling that you are safe. Knowledge of the space. That's my definition of a home. Notice the lack of material objects, although at first we think life is nothing without them. Sentimental values placed within them is still in the mind although the object no longer survives. The ablility to let go yet not forget is remarkable.

The people of friends, family and loved ones may come and go but we have the inner ability to survive and continue.

Life goes on, we travel through watching the set backs as they happen. We are strong and cope remarkably well against times of joy and sorrow, loss and gain.
The gift of life and the will to try is all that we ask and give.

Emotions are strong; pain is real.

Time to question; Safe in life?

We are safe to breathe alone in darkness but not to breathe and be in constant light?
No. We would break and snap.

The human: A fragile being tamed yet wild. Caged yet free.

Fallen-angel

Poem: Best friends with an angel

They talk to you,
understand and believe in you.
dissolving your problems they try.

To succeed in making a smile,
creating a picture.
Showing a light.
A glimmer of hope.
they fight.

Kind words of a gentle heart.
A voice of velvet,
soft and knowledgeable.

A secret support.
The floor beneath us.
A warm touch of soft skin.

Throw me a life line I'm reaching out.
An angel in human form.
guidance for life.

Tread with care,
few to spare.
The true are rare,
please take care.

For love and life
best friends are there.
In angels we pair.

Poem: Breathe

What it means to breathe
is to know that you are alive.
To walk the streets in search of life.

To breathe is to accept life and
the imperfections created.
Through this world we travel the universe.

Don't forget to breathe.

To stop will not undo or vanquish negativity.
Inhale purity and exhale the dirt.

To breathe is to know you are alive.
Awaken from your dreams
the daylight has returned.
Another day is upon us.

The blood and the blade

To the time when I thought to bleed wouldn't be enough, now all I want to do is bleed. These cravings for the red are getting worse and I fear the day will soon come where I will not be able to fend them off.

To cave in an cut.

To re-open the still healing scars just once more. The day is drawing nearer and the red is clearer in my mind. The visions of blood pouring down my arms onto my body.

Lie in the relief of letting go.

I am in a downward spiral and fear again that I will not have the strength to fight. The feeling is all to familiar. The happiness found in recent times has gone and am left with the doubt and uncertainty of what tomorrow may bring. Hoping not to awake or see the break of morning light is my idea of heaven.

How easy it would be just to swallow those pills again and sleep for eternity.

To fight? What for?

I want to succeed in life but as time goes on it looks more and more doubtful. I see others laugh and perform and wishing I could be like them. I dance, I love it, not to dance would kill me but I'm like many in feeling that I'm not good enough. I was watching Fame the other night on DVD. It came to the part when the teacher told Lisa that she was out as she will never be good enough. I await that daily at college. I'm waiting for the day they say I will never be good enough to perform. Gee, I think it often enough they might as well tell me I'm wasting my time.

Its past 3am and I think what the heck have I done with my life? I know I've accomplished much in the way of performing arts and showbusiness. I guess fighting ana and SI but am still lingering in there with them and I quit smoking.

Am I proud of my acheivemnts?
-At times I am and other times am not.

Would I change anything in my life?
-No. As I cannot change the past but if I could for sue I'd change so much.

To give it all for one last breath.

Why do I always think of me? Am I really that self centered?

I read into situations and comments to far. I preempted feelings I may feel and things I may do . To breathe and let go just for a while sounds an easy enough task but for the obsessed person it's too much of a challenge. Take a look at the world around, its in disarray, yet I think of me and wallow in my self pity.

Honestly, am I that self obsessed? Do I really only think of myself?

My whole life is ana and staying faithful to her. Till death do us part, no matter what.

Fairydust is an angel mentioned before and a savior to me. A light at the end of the tunnel. She commends me and asks the angels to help me succeed. Fairy deserves the world and the world deserves her.
A dear friend at home that means more than he will ever know has troubles and I wish I could help. The distance sometimes, well most is hard although the feelings go untold.
To say I'm a emotional person is true but strictly behind closed doors, alone.

Another year has passed and what can I say I achieved? Nothing. I still can't open and talk to my closest friends. Yeah I talk to Fairydust but not all things have words to express.
The few things I can say I have achieved is to quit smoking and not cutting. I have opened up to fairydust as although she has a less knowledge of ana and the rituals involved, she understands and accepts.

This is to thank the few people that help or try to. Thank you all and apologies to them for holding back. I can't talk or open up but I try.

Give it all

To give it all, my life to be thin.
Look at the reflection staring back.
Deal with the guilt of temptation
Hide in the recreation of the blade.
Fight for life, what for?
To live repenting your every action?
Pointless.
My mere existence is for other people to poke fun at.
Blood.
The red stuff craved for by many and many a day bleed to escape.
My whole life right now seems to be ana and SI.
Nothing else.
Pointless the reason to stop.
relief to carry on.

Sitting in the corner

Sitting in the corner amogest the voices.
Darkness creeps all around.
A spot of light from a window floods the floor. You huddle and cry.
Scared from your wits you sit mentally preparing for what happens next.
Take one last look at life.
Is this what you really want?
"Yes"
Dead