Admittedly I've never had good sleep pattens or routines. I've had bouts of Insomnia all of my life. I can remember as a child being wide awake when being tucked up in bed, playing by the light of the street lamps out of the window until the early hours of the morning.
No sleep it nothing new but binge eating at night is.
Since I have been unemployed for almost a month my sleep Paten is well and truly out of the window and down the street partying. I very rarely go to bed and sleep and almost never at the same time as my girlfriend.
What she must think is beyond me.
I know my fault and it all boils down to this; I don't have a reason to get up early so why not stay up late. Late for me mean the next day thus I sleep most of the day and the night sleeping is a thing of the past.
I get the odd times when I stay up thirty hours and manage to sleep at night but it only lasts that night and I'm back to square one.
I went to see the doctor a few weeks ago hoping that they'd give me something but I came out with a leaflet, not what I expected. I've tried everything and more of the 'good sleep hygiene routine' and not a single thing has had an effect let alone worked.
It's really hard being up all night because there isn't that much to do.
So I eat.
I don't eat all day, all evening but then it hits the 'hard hours' of the morning namely between four and six am. At this point my gard is down and I eat. I don't eat a snack I eat everything and in large quantities. I hate that I do it but I can't seem to stop. I'm desperate to sleep at night so I can stop this.
People don't understand what it's like to be a suffer of Insomnia, it's hard. Everything becomes a huge effort and deep depression sets in taking over everything. In the dead of night everything is put under the microscope and studded, and for me it's my being. The fact that I'm jobless, moody, have headaches, a recluse, binge eating and have bad memory to count a few.
I have become more of a recluse than I was now that I don't have a job I barely go out. I go out to job interviews or to the gym, maybe on occasion to the corner shop but that's about it. I don't go out unless I have a point or a reason to.
I feel very lonely most of the time because I have no one to communicate with. I don't talk much because I have nothing to say. I talk to my girlfriend but even she has ran out of things to say because everything she suggests goes out of the window. I really neglect her.
My memory is terrible and I'm in two minds as to the cause. On the one hand it could be a result of years of nutritional neglect though Anorexia and on the other the result of Insomnia.
I have trouble remembering the day before and sometimes a few hours before.
I'm confused a lot of the time.
Fallen-Angel
Saturday, June 30, 2007
Open Call
On Friday June 15th 2007 I went for an open call at Pineapple Studio, London for P&O Cruises.
There were about a thousand people there mainly female but there were quite a few males. It was hard to see the routine they taught us because there were so many in Studio 5. After several rehearsals of the routine we were auditioned in groups of ten. Those chosen were the auditioned in groups of four based on height.
I was in the final one hundred.
The four group I was in were called by name to the studio. We all performed the routine desperately trying to out dance each other like our lives depended on this. We were then asked to go a high kick and other things amongst that to tap and do double turns.
I was out.
I messed up on the double turns which is big weakness of mine.
I spent the rest of the day in London.
First I wondered Covent Garden window shopping and buying new pointe shoes. The I wondered Camden and had lunch.
I came home late afternoon really worn out but undeterred.
Fallen-Angel
There were about a thousand people there mainly female but there were quite a few males. It was hard to see the routine they taught us because there were so many in Studio 5. After several rehearsals of the routine we were auditioned in groups of ten. Those chosen were the auditioned in groups of four based on height.
I was in the final one hundred.
The four group I was in were called by name to the studio. We all performed the routine desperately trying to out dance each other like our lives depended on this. We were then asked to go a high kick and other things amongst that to tap and do double turns.
I was out.
I messed up on the double turns which is big weakness of mine.
I spent the rest of the day in London.
First I wondered Covent Garden window shopping and buying new pointe shoes. The I wondered Camden and had lunch.
I came home late afternoon really worn out but undeterred.
Fallen-Angel
In The Hunt
A few days later I went on 'The Hunt' for a new job. I started with the job centre website and applied for several different jobs. I also walked Rochester and Chatham handing out C.V's and filling in applications.
In Rochester I bumped into a client from Orchard View with his parents. He asked me how I was, told me he missed me and gave me a hug, something that was forbidden in the home.
The first week I enjoyed off. I got around to all those things we never have time for.
By the second week I was starting to get worried that I didn't have a job yet.
The third week I was in panic because funds were low and I knew nothing was going to come in without me working. I did have two job interviews.
McDonald's.
The oh so glamorous fast food restaurant that I detest the food of. I had two interviews and an induction when they gave me the job.
Southlands.
Yes, I applied for my old job back but not as senior but as a support worker. I miss the ladies of the home a lot. The interview was with the old Acting Home Manager and the new manager. At the time I thought I did shit, everything went wrong, everything I said came out muddled. She asked me about transport (one of the reasons I left). I knew it was going to come up and I didn't have any answers for her that were any different from when I previously worked there. She said she'd let me know by the end of next week as they had another person to interview. If I don't get the job I know it's because the other candidate drives. They asked to contact details from my last job. I don't think the manager will say anything bad because we had a good and understanding professional relationship.
It's week four of my unemployment and I'm so worried about money. I have applied for a one thousand pound graduate loan from the bank with a two month break before re-payments. It's my only option and the interest rate is very low as it's a graduate loan, I just hope I get it.
I am waiting for someone to phone me to tell me my hours for McDonald's then I can officially start.
I'm not really looking forward to working at McDonald's because of their food. It's not a fear that I'll gorge on it, quite the opposite. I despise fast food especially fried fast food. I'm not keen either of smelling like a fryer or burger. It's a good and long walk to there which I don't mind because the more the exercise the better it is for me.
Fallen-Angel
In Rochester I bumped into a client from Orchard View with his parents. He asked me how I was, told me he missed me and gave me a hug, something that was forbidden in the home.
The first week I enjoyed off. I got around to all those things we never have time for.
By the second week I was starting to get worried that I didn't have a job yet.
The third week I was in panic because funds were low and I knew nothing was going to come in without me working. I did have two job interviews.
McDonald's.
The oh so glamorous fast food restaurant that I detest the food of. I had two interviews and an induction when they gave me the job.
Southlands.
Yes, I applied for my old job back but not as senior but as a support worker. I miss the ladies of the home a lot. The interview was with the old Acting Home Manager and the new manager. At the time I thought I did shit, everything went wrong, everything I said came out muddled. She asked me about transport (one of the reasons I left). I knew it was going to come up and I didn't have any answers for her that were any different from when I previously worked there. She said she'd let me know by the end of next week as they had another person to interview. If I don't get the job I know it's because the other candidate drives. They asked to contact details from my last job. I don't think the manager will say anything bad because we had a good and understanding professional relationship.
It's week four of my unemployment and I'm so worried about money. I have applied for a one thousand pound graduate loan from the bank with a two month break before re-payments. It's my only option and the interest rate is very low as it's a graduate loan, I just hope I get it.
I am waiting for someone to phone me to tell me my hours for McDonald's then I can officially start.
I'm not really looking forward to working at McDonald's because of their food. It's not a fear that I'll gorge on it, quite the opposite. I despise fast food especially fried fast food. I'm not keen either of smelling like a fryer or burger. It's a good and long walk to there which I don't mind because the more the exercise the better it is for me.
Fallen-Angel
Orchard View
After I left Southlands I was waiting for reference's for a week until I could start at Orchard View as their new Senior Support Worker.
The first day was what I expected. I followed the staff around as they half heart idly attempted to induct me into the home's daily routine. A week passed of me getting paid to be a sheep. I, admit idly half heart idly began to settle in though from the first day I didn't like the place.
What was wrong with Orchard View?
The staff weren't very helpful and the seniors spent a lot of time criticizing me over every stupid little thing. The clients were almost out of control, they had no or little respect and their manners were non existent.
Each day I went out the front door to walk to work more dread built up inside.
Each night I was kept awake with the thought of another shift there.
It was an endless cycle that only spiralled in one direction and that was down.
I phoned in sick more than once because I'd been up all night dreading the next day. I think I had every virus going during my time there. I think there were only three genuine reasons.
The first: I had a chest infection.
The second: I think my girlfriend was sick.
The third: I was just out of casualty from a client behaviour.
Elaborating on the third I was caught up in a client behaviour where chairs were thrown at me. One chair just missed my head and the other I caught with my right hand and the chair smashed into my wrist/lower arm. I was taken to hospital in agony and unable to move my arm. At the hospital I was put in a sling and waited for hours. I had six x-rays in total. When the doctor saw my x-rays, we all saw a white line across my wrist though the doctor didn't know what it was. I think, in all honesty it was one of my scars on my wrist. It turns out that I'd severely bruised my arm and pulled the ligaments.
All that pain and not a single broken bone!
Six hours later I was discharged from Gillingham A&E.
The end of my job came roughly two and a half months after I started. Ironic as it was I woke up that day knowing I was going to have a supervision and a 'talking to'. The supervision wasn't planned it was just a feeling I had.
The supervision
I was called into the office twenty minutes after walking through the door by the manager. He and I talked about how I was doing (this was not the first of these 'talks' we've had). I told him how I felt, openly and honestly which isn't like me who bottles everything up pretending it was okay. We were talking and smoking (ironically) for about three hours. In the end I said I wanted to go home rather than stay a moment longer let alone a shift. I was in tears because he told me that I was very depressed, I've never heard anyone say that to me and it was painful yet true. I walked out of the home red eyed and cried the walk home. I cried some more at home too for a few hours but this time out of relief because I didn't ever have to go back to that place.
Fallen-Angel
The first day was what I expected. I followed the staff around as they half heart idly attempted to induct me into the home's daily routine. A week passed of me getting paid to be a sheep. I, admit idly half heart idly began to settle in though from the first day I didn't like the place.
What was wrong with Orchard View?
The staff weren't very helpful and the seniors spent a lot of time criticizing me over every stupid little thing. The clients were almost out of control, they had no or little respect and their manners were non existent.
Each day I went out the front door to walk to work more dread built up inside.
Each night I was kept awake with the thought of another shift there.
It was an endless cycle that only spiralled in one direction and that was down.
I phoned in sick more than once because I'd been up all night dreading the next day. I think I had every virus going during my time there. I think there were only three genuine reasons.
The first: I had a chest infection.
The second: I think my girlfriend was sick.
The third: I was just out of casualty from a client behaviour.
Elaborating on the third I was caught up in a client behaviour where chairs were thrown at me. One chair just missed my head and the other I caught with my right hand and the chair smashed into my wrist/lower arm. I was taken to hospital in agony and unable to move my arm. At the hospital I was put in a sling and waited for hours. I had six x-rays in total. When the doctor saw my x-rays, we all saw a white line across my wrist though the doctor didn't know what it was. I think, in all honesty it was one of my scars on my wrist. It turns out that I'd severely bruised my arm and pulled the ligaments.
All that pain and not a single broken bone!
Six hours later I was discharged from Gillingham A&E.
The end of my job came roughly two and a half months after I started. Ironic as it was I woke up that day knowing I was going to have a supervision and a 'talking to'. The supervision wasn't planned it was just a feeling I had.
The supervision
I was called into the office twenty minutes after walking through the door by the manager. He and I talked about how I was doing (this was not the first of these 'talks' we've had). I told him how I felt, openly and honestly which isn't like me who bottles everything up pretending it was okay. We were talking and smoking (ironically) for about three hours. In the end I said I wanted to go home rather than stay a moment longer let alone a shift. I was in tears because he told me that I was very depressed, I've never heard anyone say that to me and it was painful yet true. I walked out of the home red eyed and cried the walk home. I cried some more at home too for a few hours but this time out of relief because I didn't ever have to go back to that place.
Fallen-Angel
Monday, June 11, 2007
Had enough?
I am getting very annoyed working at Southlands now and it's due to two reasons the first being a certain member of staff I have aptly named and the second the constant hours of travelling eachday.
I've been thinking about leaving a lot these past few months, I've really done all I can here and I need to move on.
I've been thinking about leaving a lot these past few months, I've really done all I can here and I need to move on.
Client Holiday One-Haven, Brighton
Saturday September 2nd 2006
We set off at 10am, stopped for lunch where I had a small vegetarian breakfast though I should have just had toast. We finally arrived at 3:30pm and unpacked into our caravans. Dinner was take out where I had to eat cheese and chips. We went to the evening entertainment and had a few drinks and a dance.
Sunday September 3rd 2006
A relaxing morning before swimming. I felt really fat in my bikini but looking at other people I began not to feel so bad. There were loads of over weight people in barely covering swim suits. I ate loads today because we didn't do anything this afternoon and when I'm not occupied I eat. Tonight we saw Cinderella and all I could do was look at the guy who played the prince because he was so thin, I wish I was. I did some exercises in my room tonight.
Monday September 4th 2006
Went shopping in the local town. I pushed a client around all day in her wheelchair. At first I wanted just to help but when I turned down offers of taking turns I realised that I was burning more calories through pushing her, calories that I would burn and no one else. I didn't have a main meal but I did have a sandwich later. We all dressed up to go out and I just looked so rounded and very bloated it made me feel sick.
Tuesday September 5th 2006
We went for a walk to the beach today. I had toast and an apple for breakfast, a cigarette and 250ml of diet sprite for lunch and a couple of spoons of pasta for dinner.
Wednesday September 6th 2006
We all laid in till 11am and then went bowling. We stayed in tonight as everyone is looking very tired.
Thursday September 7th 2006
I'm feeling really tired and mentally exhausted but I have to push on because of the ladies. I have eaten less today but I can always do better.
Friday September 8th 2006
I don't have an entry for the end of the holiday but I clearly remember feeling very low and tired.
Fallen-Angel
We set off at 10am, stopped for lunch where I had a small vegetarian breakfast though I should have just had toast. We finally arrived at 3:30pm and unpacked into our caravans. Dinner was take out where I had to eat cheese and chips. We went to the evening entertainment and had a few drinks and a dance.
Sunday September 3rd 2006
A relaxing morning before swimming. I felt really fat in my bikini but looking at other people I began not to feel so bad. There were loads of over weight people in barely covering swim suits. I ate loads today because we didn't do anything this afternoon and when I'm not occupied I eat. Tonight we saw Cinderella and all I could do was look at the guy who played the prince because he was so thin, I wish I was. I did some exercises in my room tonight.
Monday September 4th 2006
Went shopping in the local town. I pushed a client around all day in her wheelchair. At first I wanted just to help but when I turned down offers of taking turns I realised that I was burning more calories through pushing her, calories that I would burn and no one else. I didn't have a main meal but I did have a sandwich later. We all dressed up to go out and I just looked so rounded and very bloated it made me feel sick.
Tuesday September 5th 2006
We went for a walk to the beach today. I had toast and an apple for breakfast, a cigarette and 250ml of diet sprite for lunch and a couple of spoons of pasta for dinner.
Wednesday September 6th 2006
We all laid in till 11am and then went bowling. We stayed in tonight as everyone is looking very tired.
Thursday September 7th 2006
I'm feeling really tired and mentally exhausted but I have to push on because of the ladies. I have eaten less today but I can always do better.
Friday September 8th 2006
I don't have an entry for the end of the holiday but I clearly remember feeling very low and tired.
Fallen-Angel
Southlands
I woke up at six am, left at seven am for the train station where I got the seven twelve train to Paddockwood and got off at Maidstone. I walked the pathway to the other station where I sat on a cold blue painted metal bench. I got one of the many Ashford bound trains where I got off at Harrietsham. Looking up and down the road I didn't know which direction to go. I decided to walk down the hill in hopes of finding a shop where I could ask where Southlands was. I found a little corner shop where I asked for directions and just as I did two people said they were just heading back there. The two people turned out to be a support worker and a client.
I spent the first week calling everyone by the wrong name and reading personal files.
I soon settled in but it wasn't without bumps along the way.
Weeks soon turned into months as I began to find my feet and learn the routines.
I participated and supported clients in activities such as disco's, college, swimming, rambling, rock climbing, shopping, arts and crafts and many more.
I went on several client holidays around the country.
The first was a four day camping trip in August (during the heat wave) with the other homes in the company to Canterbury. We all pitched in a break in the forest. There was nothing there aside a toilet/shower block and a makeshift camp fire. It was really fun though after several ice cold showers a day because there wasn't any hot water we all begun to smell.
The second holiday was with all the ladies from Southlands a Heaven on the coast. We stayed in two caravans for a week. During this holiday I participated in the talent contest and danced to Fame. I didn't win but the ladies enjoyed seeing me in a different light.
The third and final holiday was five days at another Heaven site in Chichester which is near Bognergious. It was cold and rained a few days but it was good fun. I took a client from Southlands and her best friend and support worker from another home came with us. The support worker and I got on extremely well and we even aptly named the caravan our tin can.
Fallen-Angel
I spent the first week calling everyone by the wrong name and reading personal files.
I soon settled in but it wasn't without bumps along the way.
Weeks soon turned into months as I began to find my feet and learn the routines.
I participated and supported clients in activities such as disco's, college, swimming, rambling, rock climbing, shopping, arts and crafts and many more.
I went on several client holidays around the country.
The first was a four day camping trip in August (during the heat wave) with the other homes in the company to Canterbury. We all pitched in a break in the forest. There was nothing there aside a toilet/shower block and a makeshift camp fire. It was really fun though after several ice cold showers a day because there wasn't any hot water we all begun to smell.
The second holiday was with all the ladies from Southlands a Heaven on the coast. We stayed in two caravans for a week. During this holiday I participated in the talent contest and danced to Fame. I didn't win but the ladies enjoyed seeing me in a different light.
The third and final holiday was five days at another Heaven site in Chichester which is near Bognergious. It was cold and rained a few days but it was good fun. I took a client from Southlands and her best friend and support worker from another home came with us. The support worker and I got on extremely well and we even aptly named the caravan our tin can.
Fallen-Angel
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