The months that followed were hard both settling in and moving on.
Graudlly I felt more like one of the family rather than an outsider but things were still not right.
I didn't have a job so I wasn't working and I had no money, at all.
She would go off to work everyday and I would sit up in her room thinking the day away with ABC1 in the background, terrified of making too much noise. I would only leave my new security of her bedroom for cigarettes and drinks. I dreaded going downstairs because I felt like a scrounging imposter.
In the evenings we would walk to our friends house and return stoned around midnight.
I was feeling my depression deepen more eachday as I stared out of the window into the nothingness that was beyond it.
Days and weeks passed until I decided to see if I could go on job seekers whilst I was looking for a job. I had to sign on every second Monday at 10Am. I applied for well over sixty jobs and got no responce. I wasn't being picky either, I applied for everything from cleaning to factory work and care.
Time went on and I heard nothing.
I despised that I was one of those people of whom I despised so much. I always carried this perception that people on benefits were just too lazy to get a job but now I'm more sympathetic towards those who are trying their best to gain employment.
We moved out in the early spring of 2006 into a one bed roomed apartment a ten minute train ride away from her parents and friends.
We shopped for items we would need with her dad whom helped us move.
It was nice to have our own space; for her it took some time getting used to being able to make noise or play music without headphones but for me it was more like being back in Liverpool where I did what I wanted, when I wanted.
I had a job interview for a supported living home in Harrietsham, Maidstone. I was so happy that someone was interested in giving me a chance. The interview went well though I applied for the waking night position I was given days. I started one month later and learnt a lot considering that all I knew about care work was what ma had told me, otherwise I was clueless.
I remained there for a year and went from support worker to team leader which is an achievement considering I went in with no knowledge of care/support work.
Fallen-Angel
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Christmas
A couple of days later I moved into her room at her parents house anxious and not quite knowing what to say or do like anyone would do if they were in my situation.
Christmas day was a strange affair as I felt out of place but looking back I would have been alone in my room so this was a total new experience for me.
The night of Christmas eve and the morning of Christmas day was spent at our friends house. We didn't sleep that night, we watched television and chatted laying on our makeshift bed and the sofa. Gifts were exchanged and we all sat together opening them in a way that I was not used to.
We spent time with friends and families enjoying this once a year occasion.
My family didn't really do Christmas, we exchanged gifts but there was no togetherness there. An argument would erupt over silly things, we would eat roast dinner together and return to our rooms where we would stay for the remainder of the day.
So you can understand how odd it felt to be included in the celebrations.
Fallen-Angel
Christmas day was a strange affair as I felt out of place but looking back I would have been alone in my room so this was a total new experience for me.
The night of Christmas eve and the morning of Christmas day was spent at our friends house. We didn't sleep that night, we watched television and chatted laying on our makeshift bed and the sofa. Gifts were exchanged and we all sat together opening them in a way that I was not used to.
We spent time with friends and families enjoying this once a year occasion.
My family didn't really do Christmas, we exchanged gifts but there was no togetherness there. An argument would erupt over silly things, we would eat roast dinner together and return to our rooms where we would stay for the remainder of the day.
So you can understand how odd it felt to be included in the celebrations.
Fallen-Angel
A tearful start to a new life.
I spent hours fighting back the tears alone in the lounge.
I went out front for another cigarette and phoned a friend whom I'd stayed with on my first visit to Kent, the home of the place where we had our first kiss. I didn't mean to cry so much or so hard, I just wanted someone to talk to. It turned out that she was on the phone to the couple upstairs whom had left me alone in their lounge in this strange county. The couple came downstairs wondering why I had phoned her and why I couldn't have just gone into their office and talked to them. I didn't say what I was thinking because they seemed angry at me. If I would've I would have said; I'm scared, lonely, I just want to see her, I need a cuddle and I want to go home where I am familiar with everything, and I don't want to be here anymore.
They took me in their car to where she worked and I was told to wait outside until they had been in and bought her outside. She came out dressed in her work uniform with a face that read 'what the hell is going on?'. I walked up to the shop and she saw that it was me. We hugged each other so tightly and I never wanted to let go.
I was fighting off the tears as hard as I could.
The next thought that crossed my mind was that now I had seen her that I would have to go back to their house feeling awkward and being abandoned again, alone but that wasn't the case. They drove me to our friends house and a familiar setting. I was dropped there and told we would be picked up later.
I was so glad to be in a place that I wasn't abandoned and that bared some resemblance to familiarity.
Minutes ticked by like hours and hours like days.
Then, the door opened stood there was the one, the entire reason for my move and abandonment of familiarity.
That night we stayed at the couples house. We didn't sleep and watched DVDs all night chatting away. I was tired as I hadn't slept for two days and the drama of moving had taken its toll on me and I fell asleep for an hour or so.
The plot to Kidnap Bob, as it was called was now complete.
Fallen-Angel
I went out front for another cigarette and phoned a friend whom I'd stayed with on my first visit to Kent, the home of the place where we had our first kiss. I didn't mean to cry so much or so hard, I just wanted someone to talk to. It turned out that she was on the phone to the couple upstairs whom had left me alone in their lounge in this strange county. The couple came downstairs wondering why I had phoned her and why I couldn't have just gone into their office and talked to them. I didn't say what I was thinking because they seemed angry at me. If I would've I would have said; I'm scared, lonely, I just want to see her, I need a cuddle and I want to go home where I am familiar with everything, and I don't want to be here anymore.
They took me in their car to where she worked and I was told to wait outside until they had been in and bought her outside. She came out dressed in her work uniform with a face that read 'what the hell is going on?'. I walked up to the shop and she saw that it was me. We hugged each other so tightly and I never wanted to let go.
I was fighting off the tears as hard as I could.
The next thought that crossed my mind was that now I had seen her that I would have to go back to their house feeling awkward and being abandoned again, alone but that wasn't the case. They drove me to our friends house and a familiar setting. I was dropped there and told we would be picked up later.
I was so glad to be in a place that I wasn't abandoned and that bared some resemblance to familiarity.
Minutes ticked by like hours and hours like days.
Then, the door opened stood there was the one, the entire reason for my move and abandonment of familiarity.
That night we stayed at the couples house. We didn't sleep and watched DVDs all night chatting away. I was tired as I hadn't slept for two days and the drama of moving had taken its toll on me and I fell asleep for an hour or so.
The plot to Kidnap Bob, as it was called was now complete.
Fallen-Angel
Moving on?
During my stay in Kent I became even closer to my friend and something more than a friendship had developed, I was in love with her and she loved me back.
Could it be true, that someone could love me, the mess?
I remember the night I arrived in a strange place called Snodland. It was dark and from the train window I could see the friend who ms house we would be staying at with two small children in a pram. A figure in a coat and hat stood behind her in the shadows, it was her. I felt very nervous yet I couldn't help but smile. I got off the train and this shy woman spoke to me in a soft nervous voice. We all walked to our friends house id ally chatting along the way. Sometime passed and we all found ourselves in the lounge watching television and chatting about my journey up. Our friend was sat in her favourite arm chair with me closest to her on one end of the sofa and the one I love was on the other end of the sofa as far away from me as she could have possibly gotten unless she had sat on the farthest arm chair. The night passed as our friend went to upstairs to bed and we settled down on what was to become a familiar sleeping arrangement on the lounge floor, a makeshift bed of sofa cushions, pillows, a quilt and cats. Our friend had so many cats and a large dog who snored louder than anything I'd ever heard.
We didn't sleep much that night, if at all. We spent our time talking and watching the music channels where they continuously played one song, Photograph by Nickleback, which would become our song.
The second night, with the same sleeping arrangements, and the night we kissed for the first time. We were both quite nervous and shy as we lay cuddled up to each other. The following day she had work and on her way out she kissed kids goodbye but not me, was there something that I had done wrong? All that day and night I wondered what I had done wrong, was this a mistake, had I taken it too far? There were so many questions and thoughts roaming around my head that I had to write them down.
Looking back I wish I'd have kept that black book I was writing in at the time but like I've always done, threw it away.
The following morning when she left for work she did kiss me goodbye, then I knew I hadn't done anything wrong.
The week was soon over and I found myself back in my room in Devon.
A few visits to each other's neck of the woods and things were moving fast, faster than I could have ever dreamt.
Somewhere between October and the beginning of December I'd agreed to move to Kent and to live with her at her parents house though I'm not quite sure how it all came about.
December 17th, about eleven PM. I was talking to friends online in various chat rooms when the phone rang. We spent sometime talking before she had to go. I had something that I so desperately wanted to say but knew it would ruin the surprise.
I was moving in with her tomorrow, the 18th of December 2006-three days earlier than planned.
Before and after she phoned I was talking with my new friends in Kent planning my move. I would be getting the National Express coach to Gatwick airport where I would get the hopper bus to a hotel, then I would be meeting two friends who would drive me to their house to later meet her from work.
I spent the remainder of the night and the early hours packing all my worldly belongings into a single suitcase and a rucksack. I had my trust laptop and a large paper Monsoon bag filled with presents, everything I couldn't carry was left in my room and my parents loft.
I was packed and ready to leave Devon for good.
It was surreal how I packed my life so fast, almost as if I'd fled a bad place and was leaving all the pain behind to start a new life in a place I knew only a handful of people. I didn't have much money nor much of an idea of how I was to support myself.
I left my parents house the morning of the 18th of December 2005 at 5:30AM.
I texted and phoned her making up what I was doing desperately trying not to tell her I was lying and that I was just hours away from her.
I arrived in Kent at a friends house, the couple's home in which I would spend my first night at in my new life. I was shown around, shown my room and left downstairs watching Phantom of the Opera alone and scared. They were working upstairs and I felt the lonelest and lost I'd ever felt.
Fallen-Angel
Could it be true, that someone could love me, the mess?
I remember the night I arrived in a strange place called Snodland. It was dark and from the train window I could see the friend who ms house we would be staying at with two small children in a pram. A figure in a coat and hat stood behind her in the shadows, it was her. I felt very nervous yet I couldn't help but smile. I got off the train and this shy woman spoke to me in a soft nervous voice. We all walked to our friends house id ally chatting along the way. Sometime passed and we all found ourselves in the lounge watching television and chatting about my journey up. Our friend was sat in her favourite arm chair with me closest to her on one end of the sofa and the one I love was on the other end of the sofa as far away from me as she could have possibly gotten unless she had sat on the farthest arm chair. The night passed as our friend went to upstairs to bed and we settled down on what was to become a familiar sleeping arrangement on the lounge floor, a makeshift bed of sofa cushions, pillows, a quilt and cats. Our friend had so many cats and a large dog who snored louder than anything I'd ever heard.
We didn't sleep much that night, if at all. We spent our time talking and watching the music channels where they continuously played one song, Photograph by Nickleback, which would become our song.
The second night, with the same sleeping arrangements, and the night we kissed for the first time. We were both quite nervous and shy as we lay cuddled up to each other. The following day she had work and on her way out she kissed kids goodbye but not me, was there something that I had done wrong? All that day and night I wondered what I had done wrong, was this a mistake, had I taken it too far? There were so many questions and thoughts roaming around my head that I had to write them down.
Looking back I wish I'd have kept that black book I was writing in at the time but like I've always done, threw it away.
The following morning when she left for work she did kiss me goodbye, then I knew I hadn't done anything wrong.
The week was soon over and I found myself back in my room in Devon.
A few visits to each other's neck of the woods and things were moving fast, faster than I could have ever dreamt.
Somewhere between October and the beginning of December I'd agreed to move to Kent and to live with her at her parents house though I'm not quite sure how it all came about.
December 17th, about eleven PM. I was talking to friends online in various chat rooms when the phone rang. We spent sometime talking before she had to go. I had something that I so desperately wanted to say but knew it would ruin the surprise.
I was moving in with her tomorrow, the 18th of December 2006-three days earlier than planned.
Before and after she phoned I was talking with my new friends in Kent planning my move. I would be getting the National Express coach to Gatwick airport where I would get the hopper bus to a hotel, then I would be meeting two friends who would drive me to their house to later meet her from work.
I spent the remainder of the night and the early hours packing all my worldly belongings into a single suitcase and a rucksack. I had my trust laptop and a large paper Monsoon bag filled with presents, everything I couldn't carry was left in my room and my parents loft.
I was packed and ready to leave Devon for good.
It was surreal how I packed my life so fast, almost as if I'd fled a bad place and was leaving all the pain behind to start a new life in a place I knew only a handful of people. I didn't have much money nor much of an idea of how I was to support myself.
I left my parents house the morning of the 18th of December 2005 at 5:30AM.
I texted and phoned her making up what I was doing desperately trying not to tell her I was lying and that I was just hours away from her.
I arrived in Kent at a friends house, the couple's home in which I would spend my first night at in my new life. I was shown around, shown my room and left downstairs watching Phantom of the Opera alone and scared. They were working upstairs and I felt the lonelest and lost I'd ever felt.
Fallen-Angel
Update..........
It has been over a year since I last blogged and I'm not quite sure where to start, so I will continue from;
"Break one guys dreams so another who has my heart will smile",
as that seems a good place to start.
The following morning was the lat time I would ever see this guy I met in Rout 66 the night before as a few weeks later I received a phone call from my mate telling me to sit down as he had some bad news. He told me that Dave, the guy from Route 66, was dead. He said he didn't know how but as soon as he found out would tell me.
I was sat on the stairs looking through the rails in my Liverpool student shared house. I didn't know what to say or do, I remember saying "shit" and having a huge lump in the back of my throat.
A few days later I received a text message saying Dave hand hung himself in his wardrobe and that his mother had found him.
I had a lot of doubts in my head and unanswered questions, was this true, had he just made this up because he liked me too and was jealous? Every ridiculous remark and question floated though my head for weeks to come.
Dave's funeral was held in Bath. I wanted to go but I wasn't invited. Who was I to deserve to go as I'd hand a one night stand with him, I wasn't a friend, girlfriend nor family? I guess I just needed the ultimate proof that he was indeed gone.
I graduated Liverpool, June 2006, with high grades in all Major Fields.
I don't remember much about the last semester because I've tried, and succeeded in blocking it out. From what I can recall things got a little better and my attendance improved. I did notice that my lack of attendance the term before put me at a disadvantage when the final performance came as I was cut from some of the sections of dance routines because I was not there to learn them, for which I can only blame myself.
I am surprised I made it through as I was sure they were going to kick me out.
After that I had made plans to move to London and live with two friends and one of their boyfriends but that fell through as they split up. I had no choice then but to move back to my parents, Devon. I stayed in their caravan as they had short stay students in all the spare rooms, which they did every year since I can remember.
I started working at The Redclif Hotel, Paignton, August of 2005. I worked in the kitchen making the hot drinks and snacks. I worked split shifts which were a killer as I wasn't sleeping yet I was up at six AM everyday. I got really sick, fast. I had glandular fever, the flu, a chest infection and a possibility of Hepatitis B. My mental state was very low and I was self harming almost everyday. I got so ill that I couldn't eat or drink anything yet I was being sick everyday. Two weeks before I quit I blacked out for the hundredth or so time, I was walking to get changed though the kitchen when I blacked out and fell over seriously hurting my back.
After that I was unemployed for a month or so and slowly got better. I joined an employment agency and did all kinds of work-I wasn't fussy as I had no money.
September 2006, I moved into the house as the last of the students were leaving.
That summer I started phoning and writing to a friend I had met in Kent the new year of 2006. We became close fast and it wasn't long before we were talking on the phone every night and texting all day.
October 2006, I went to Kent for a week and stayed at our friends house and that's where the next chapter begins.
Fallen-Angel
"Break one guys dreams so another who has my heart will smile",
as that seems a good place to start.
The following morning was the lat time I would ever see this guy I met in Rout 66 the night before as a few weeks later I received a phone call from my mate telling me to sit down as he had some bad news. He told me that Dave, the guy from Route 66, was dead. He said he didn't know how but as soon as he found out would tell me.
I was sat on the stairs looking through the rails in my Liverpool student shared house. I didn't know what to say or do, I remember saying "shit" and having a huge lump in the back of my throat.
A few days later I received a text message saying Dave hand hung himself in his wardrobe and that his mother had found him.
I had a lot of doubts in my head and unanswered questions, was this true, had he just made this up because he liked me too and was jealous? Every ridiculous remark and question floated though my head for weeks to come.
Dave's funeral was held in Bath. I wanted to go but I wasn't invited. Who was I to deserve to go as I'd hand a one night stand with him, I wasn't a friend, girlfriend nor family? I guess I just needed the ultimate proof that he was indeed gone.
I graduated Liverpool, June 2006, with high grades in all Major Fields.
I don't remember much about the last semester because I've tried, and succeeded in blocking it out. From what I can recall things got a little better and my attendance improved. I did notice that my lack of attendance the term before put me at a disadvantage when the final performance came as I was cut from some of the sections of dance routines because I was not there to learn them, for which I can only blame myself.
I am surprised I made it through as I was sure they were going to kick me out.
After that I had made plans to move to London and live with two friends and one of their boyfriends but that fell through as they split up. I had no choice then but to move back to my parents, Devon. I stayed in their caravan as they had short stay students in all the spare rooms, which they did every year since I can remember.
I started working at The Redclif Hotel, Paignton, August of 2005. I worked in the kitchen making the hot drinks and snacks. I worked split shifts which were a killer as I wasn't sleeping yet I was up at six AM everyday. I got really sick, fast. I had glandular fever, the flu, a chest infection and a possibility of Hepatitis B. My mental state was very low and I was self harming almost everyday. I got so ill that I couldn't eat or drink anything yet I was being sick everyday. Two weeks before I quit I blacked out for the hundredth or so time, I was walking to get changed though the kitchen when I blacked out and fell over seriously hurting my back.
After that I was unemployed for a month or so and slowly got better. I joined an employment agency and did all kinds of work-I wasn't fussy as I had no money.
September 2006, I moved into the house as the last of the students were leaving.
That summer I started phoning and writing to a friend I had met in Kent the new year of 2006. We became close fast and it wasn't long before we were talking on the phone every night and texting all day.
October 2006, I went to Kent for a week and stayed at our friends house and that's where the next chapter begins.
Fallen-Angel
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