On And On And On........

That's how it goes, right?

Nothings really changed-does it ever?

I still don't have a permanent job nor a place to live not that I could afford it right now.

I've been working for Wise Employment doing various jobs but the works dried up and I'm stuck at home day after day which doesn't help my mental state.

Mum and dad came back from their holiday about two weeks ago and things are back to normal or what can be called normal which is quite the opposite of the meaning of the word.
Dad continues to ignore me and mum just moans and groans about everything which I think makes her happy.

A lot of things have been plaguing my mind and on the top of the list is my eating followed closely by my relationship.

My eating is out of control, I'm terrified that I will eat all the weight I lost and be back to my fatter self, that self that made me attempt to take my own life on more than one occasion. After thinking deeply about this I came to the conclusion that it's living here that makes me want to eat because that's what I did before when I lived here. When I moved to Liverpool I lost loads of weight and the same happened when I lived in Kent. Living at my parents drags back all the memories that I'd tried so hard to forget when I moved away but here they are always around me dragging me down.

I keep making plans and writing out diets but it's hard here to stick to them especially when my own parents think I'm Bulimic-which I'm not. I also have to be very careful about planning diets because I don't want to arouse suspicion with what I'm eating.

I can't wait to move out and to be free of the rents.

Moving out means the world to me and I don't even care where I live. I want to have control over my life again, I want to do what I want when I want and eat whatever plan I create without people watching over my every move.

My relationship. I don't even know where to start with this subject as it's been going on for a longtime and I don't know if things will ever return to how they used to be or even if I want that.
We've been getting more and more distant over the months, less of the "I love you", less of the cuddles and romance, and none of anything else including the spark. I know I started this downwards spiral with my mental state being all over the place. I feel low and depressed and when I feel like that/this I don't want to be touched, kissed or cuddled and I push everyone away. Things are strained, she's moody and cold and I'm distant and non responsive.

I've been questioning weather or not I actually want to be in the relationship anymore, questioning my love for her and questioning if old flames buried deep still burn for another person.

I'm lost between how I feel and how I "should" feel.

I hope that once we move things will improve because if they don't then I don't know what I will do.

Maybe it's what I truly want but can't admit to, I'm so lost and confused I can't tell between what is real and what's just in my head.

It's all very confusing.

Fallen-Angel