Dear Life....

This is going to be my final letter of confession as I can no longer cope alone.

I have changed over the past month so much partly for the good and partly for the bad. Over the Easter break I shut myself away from the outside world consumed with what's inside my own head. You weren't there for me and so I failed and its lead onto more sever consequences. After the Easter break and back from Kent (Heidi's parents) I still shut myself away from the world. I hide in the comfort of my room, I know longer sit in the lounge of my house nor talk to anyone. I have missed college and fear that I will fall behind. Its my final term and I need to attain the most I can from it. Tomorrow I will speak out and confide in a someone already knowing their diagnosis, see a doctor, see a phyc. Maybe it will help, maybe I gather the courage to open up and trust in those who have taught me well over the past two years. I know I said that I'd seek medical help for depression but never did, I felt inadequate of their time, effort and undeserving. I'm watching myself fail and I'm honestly scared from my wits that's why I need to talk to someone. I don't want to be in that place again where I couldn't leave the house, trapped inside my parents two years ago for four months only leaving to attend dance classes and when my ma dragged me to the supermarket.

Last year (2003/04) I was alone I had no one and I missed days of college and had sever depression. Everyone at college was oblivious to this aside a few people. One of those people has now become very close to me. My new founded best friend amongst others has been a life line, she understands me in ways that others don't. We talk and spend a lot of time together. I have opened up to her more than I have towards any other best friend. I talk less than I used to as she seems to have priorities lying else where not that I'm dissing her at all. After light of recent events things between us are strange I can't talk to her like I used to. I have discovered that she has disclosed personal and private information that I hold close to my heart to two people, one of which I wouldn't have minded knowing but would rather have told her myself if I wanted to and the other I wouldn't have spoke a word to concerning the matters.

Its Friday tomorrow and another college day that I must attend in order to talk about thing's in facing the outside world. I can't sleep because I don't want to leave my safe haven tomorrow and face the outside. It must get better if I want to succeed in my career. Sure I can step out on stage and perform but just walking in town is too much for me to take. This has got to stop sooner rather than later as I can't afford to miss college with final assessments due and the shows we need to prepare for. I'm scared just contemplating tomorrow. I posted on a message board I often go to and within five minutes I has two replies telling me to talk to people and to seek medical attention for their are medications out there that can help me. I'm not sure that I want to take them as people have been know to become dependant on them and some make you gain weight.

I applied for a job at Co-op today and hopefully I will be successful in my application. I would feel safe there I think as its close to my safe place (my room). I was walking back thinking this could do me good and get me out more.

I am changing my opinion on talking to people as time goes on like the same with my thoughts on my parents and family. I used to think my ma was the biggest bitch going but its not at all true she will do anything for me as loaning me the money to attend this college in little hope of repayment but I want to repay her even if it's only ten pounds a month. I owe my parents so much as they have sacrificed everything for us. When my little sister and I started dancing I was four and she started when she reached five. We took a lot from them aside their money and time, we took years of their lives just because we wanted to be dancers. My sister no longer dances and is currently at college in Devon studying child care and development. When my sister stopped dancing I felt that my ma thought she had wasted her money and dedication in making her the best she could be. I asked ma why she let Maria stop dancing and she replied that there was no point in paying our dance teacher when Maria didn't attend instead she hung out with her friends, that was her priority then and I guess at time its still is. She went off the rails and got into a lot of trouble and put my ma through hell for no reason except to rebel and be who she wants to be but look where it got her. She's only sixteen and after moving houses a several times using everyone along the way she is back living at our parents house. She used and took from close friends and relatives such as Uncle Roger and our big sister, Jennifer, for all they had and once she was done discarded them like a used carton. As for me I went through that stage too but on a far less scale. I wanted to stop dancing at thirteen too but for some reason with the dedication of my ma and Jenny, dance teacher, I continued. I wouldn't go as far as to say I hated it but I disliked dance for a while. I wanted to be a "normal" teenager and do the things they did like hanging out and sleepovers. The truth is you can do that and dance as I am proof . I used to hang out and as Alix my past school best friend knows and has experienced. When I stayed over hers I had to be back in time for my dance classes and on more than one occasion she has had to sit and watch the shows I did. She did that although she was annoyed that I did so much but I later found out it was pure jealousy that made us split up and never to talk again. She wanted to be like me but couldn't. I tired to help her by taking her to my local dance school and she participated in a few classes but when we talked to my dance teacher she stated that Alix would have to go in a lower level because she wasn't trained at all. She didn't like this and that is when I think it all started out. Another occasion was at KEVICC's (King Edward VI Community College), our secondary school, when we entered the talent show she sang and I dance in a duet to Fame together. I got applause from the sixth former's watching and she didn't get any. She was angry at me for stealing her limelight as I was just "her backing dancer". She claimed she did it for my sake as she didn't need me and she could do it alone but being my best friend she was doing me a "favour".

So why did you ask me then?

We watched the next act, it was a girl who did a ballet routine to Walking In The Air from The Snowman. In all honesty she wasn't that good her technique lacked style and performance but she did it alone and got through to the show and we didn't. I remember sitting there and watching her, thinking if I had just said no to Alix and did my own piece of ballet on pointe, I would have got into the show but being a best friend I stuck by her and it got me nowhere. She changed me in so many ways and I came off worse for it. I thought the world of her and the things she did made me think I was so "sad" the truth of the matter is I was sucked into her world and came out a broken person. Another instance was in year nine when I got my brace and she talked me into not wearing it. It took a lot of courage for me to visit the dentist and get the brace that I never wore. I have a huge phobia of them as when I was ten I had fourteen baby teeth removed and four when I was twelve. The second time I got my teeth removed it was at a place called Castle Circus and I was treated like a piece of meat. Within less than an hour of the operation, still asleep from the anaesthetic I was shoved out the door. I couldn't stand let alone walk down the stairs and to the car park. My ma and a porter had to practically carry me out. I blame Alix to this day for my crooked teeth though it was my fault for listening and believing in her.

She lured me into her trap and like a fly I went.

We had many arguments as I tried to break free but she made me feel so worthless and low I felt I needed her and would be nothing without her, I longed to be myself. Eventually after a few years and a lot of arguing I left her. By this time it was half way through my first year of college at sixteen and by then the damage was already done but I'd had enough. She started copying me but told others it was the other way around. She wanted me to teach her to dance and I did for a while but she was uncooperative so I stopped. I refused to as she wanted my help but was trying to correct me. She told me I was doing it all wrong the girl with no training to name of. She wanted to be a ballet dancer like off the videos her ma brought her but didn't understand that to get to their level you need to start at the beginning.

She always came across as she was better than me and I believed she was. Everyone around saw otherwise and although they kept telling me I was blind to her mind games. I ignored and pushed away my friends and family shutting them out when all they wanted to do was to open my eyes to her, show me what she was really like. I wish that I saw it before and believed everyone over her. Everyone that told me to ditch her as she was holding me back even my little sister saw what she was doing to me and yet I hung off her every word. I found it amusing that my family refereed to Alix as "The bitch from Dartmouth". It was her jealousy that broke me down and how gullible I was to believe she knew best.

Who was she to dictate my life?

After a huge fight in college one day involving Amy, Louisa, Alex, her current boyfriend and I, I ditched her. At first everyone was like how can you do that to your best friend but they too soon saw the light and were on my side. They helped me rebuild my life in so many ways. They told me I don't need her, that I am better than her and have so much to give they proved to me I had talent in dancing and acting.

I was finally free from her.

I had very little confidence around her as she made me feel so low and unworthy. She broke me down to almost nothing. I have to say that I think my family were proud that I had shaken her off. I was me again, I able to speak freely and do what I wanted and didn't think of how Alix would see me. Sure she made remarks and comments but with the whole college class backing me up I fought my way through. I had new friends that were proud of my achievements and liked me for who I really was. Friends like Lou and Amy though Amy did the same as Alix and used me to get what she wanted last year.

My freedom from controlling friends who dictated my life was short lived when I moved up to Liverpool a year after Amy did. She claimed and still dose to this day that I copied her, followed her to Liverpool. We used to go on nights out but I was the ugly friend of the pretty girl and she was the one who got all the attention. This really cut me up both mentally and physically. Although guys are not my main priority but they were then. I didn't want to be alone as she had many after her I felt obliged to stick by her, little that did for me.

I kept thinking why me?

I then took to my room and once again started cutting only this time is was worse I cut on a daily basis. I became ana (Anorexic) once again thinking if I was thin I could pretended I was happy and could be loved but this wasn't true, not at all in fact it made me worse. I overdosed constantly and at one point was on a daily basis as soon a I came around from the last dose I took more. A few months went passed and for those few months I have very little recollection. My main memories of that time was in my room lying on the bed severely depressed unable to cry. Motionless I lay day after day not thinking of what I was doing aside taking more pills to pass the days praying that I wouldn't ever wake up. You see that's why I say I am surprised that I am still here today. I guess I should be grateful that their was a guardian angel watching over me something spiritual that brought me round after each time. Those months were filled with suicidal thoughts, attempts, cutting and severe depression.
I've never been a crier, I am unable to shed a tear aside blood stained ones.

My grades at the end of last year shocked me to the point of no return. I only achieved Passes aside one Merit from Seleine the jazz tutor. That cut really deep and I mean that literally. It sounds big headed but I'd never received a pass before and to get passes in something I love so much was really hard to accept. I denied the grades for a long time finally coming to terms that I was a failure at something I thought and was told I was good at. I am so ashamed about them and have told no one of them. I guess they are justified as I missed college for a while and I didn't feel worthy as Amy had broken me down to nothing just like Alix had done in previous years. I didn't perform to the my best ability as I felt there was no point because I didn't deserve this place and there are hundreds of other dancers who are far better than me.

So what makes me different to them?

I have yet to this day tell my parents that I got those grades. I hate to lie to them but if they knew they would be so disappointed and would feel they have wasted their time and money in me, a dancer who scraped a pass. I told them I got all Merits and a Distinction in ballet, my main strength. I can never tell them the truth, ever.
I returned to Devon on July second for a summer that I wasn't looking forward to. During the summer I worked at Woodlands Leisure Park in Totnes. I've always enjoyed working there but that time it was strange I felt cut off and distant from the other Rangers. The last summer (2004) I met up with Rick whom I used to work with at Woodlands in the children's play areas. We hadn't seen each other for nearly two years. We were pretty close and always had this special bond that we hold to this day. He split with his girlfriend of two years for a month of happiness with me.

Why would you sacrifice it all for me?

He told me I have so much to give and although I'm totally different to the bubbly lively person he once knew and loved things will change for the better, he promised. Obviously at that low state I didn't believe him at all but her was right there was more to life than depression, harming and suicide, a lot more.

This year started well. I had gained confidence knowing that one person aside my ma and Rick truly believed in me. I met Heidi who is like me in so many ways, we like the same style, music, share the love for ballet and performing. I started becoming true to myself not caring what people thought of me. I wore what clothes I wanted, listened to what music I liked and people's opinions didn't matter. Heidi like me started off in a new city away from home and she too tried to fit in by being like the majority but found herself not being true to herself, the person that mattered the most. We are different, we don't fit the normal status of dancers. My confidence grew and everyone noticed and commented. I also lost weight and my class who had outcasted me started talking to me like I was one of them and it felt good. Then Anthony whom I had become close to me called me one day saying said he had to leave. I was upset to say the least because although the group had started talking to me I still was the out caste. The person who I worked with on our duet had gone and I was once again left alone. I still have Heidi don't get me wrong but Anthony was in all of my classes and made things seem all right. I started talking to Chloe more and more, I feel that I am helping her in some way. I paired with her for business assignment. She asked me to help her as I find business easy and she didn't so we worked through it together.
The new reformed me didn't last as this recent tern of events shows. I'm afraid to leave the house, how stupid is that? I can't step out into the world I twice feared but got over and now its back and at the most important time of the year. I want to move on and leave all the depression, harming and suicidal thoughts behind. They haunt me daily to the point of giving it all up. Its past Four am and yet I can't sleep as the thought of college tomorrow is making me nauseous.

These past few years of my life in short hand are contained in these five pages. It doesn't seem a lot but it is, its Crystal clear in my mind. But what to do now, my current situation is getting once again out of hand and I don't know what to do. Its still night but technically morning. Its time to attempt sleep though seems doubtful but perseverance might just pay off. Who knows what tomorrow may bring, a new hope, some guidance, a shadow of light?

"The once again Fallen-Angel that kept on falling until she hit the bottom never to return is slipping back".