Again

The nights drag as I find it harder to sleep although I'm tired. I smoke to fight the urges to cut and overdose. Lying here I feel the shame of my fatness.

Today at college I couldn't dance to the best of my ability as I'm weighed down with inch after inch of pure fat. Every lump and bump fully on display for the class to see.

I want to hide in comfort of death.

I'm so tired yet I can't sleep. Am I to engrossed to sleep? I've smoked so much at late I'm beginning to shake. I want another one but only have one and will need it for morning as I have to get up at 5:30am for work.

Each day I get fatter and the words of ana scream out for me to stop.

Stop eating you obese cow.

I've taken six lax though I want to take them all. I hate myself so much words nor actions can no longer portray.

Fuck this world and its beautiful place.

Why was I even born?

A night of passion for my parents ended with the birth of me and my life of hell. I was at one point considering seeking professional help of my depression but I'm not even worthy of that. Any chance of happiness has gone.
I lie here in my bed listening to the Rasmus, Dead letters. On the windowsill a lavender candle burns. Tomorrow is another day and if I wasn't working wouldn't leave the house. I don't want to go to college. Last year I missed college because of my shame. My worthless self, fucked up mind and abused body.

I thought I could be happy, maybe one day I will know what its like to smile or laugh naturally.
I feel physically sick at the thought of myself breathing. Maybe I should stop.

Cross the borderline.

Rip the blade across my wrists please, the blood will soon come. Its purity will show me the way. Releasing the fat by passage of veins.

There is blood where I write.

I'm writing these words as the blood drips down my wrist. Soaked up by a tissue the purest form of escape is realised, running free at last. The poison is leaving.

Not even my blood wants to ramain in me.

The blood is warm against my pale cold skin.

I need to cover as I have to face the world again tomorrow. Bandages and bracelets are once again coming out.

Do I have any regrets?

Yes, that I didn't cut deeper, press harder with the blade.

Feeling the realise it total euphoria. I am desperate to do more but for now the cutting is over. The underside of my right wrist is nothing aside red, covered in blood. I feel no pain, not even burning from the blade, nothing, numb. I'm relaxed now and feel I am able to sleep. I'm living up to my name: Fallen-Angel.

Its time to sleep now and rest my head upon my pillow. Close my eyes just for a while. So until the morning light appears good night.

Fallen-Angel x