And The Reason For Life Is......?

I've done many things in my life so far that I am both proud to shout about and proud not to shout about. Take dancing for instance, its my life, all I know and love but its not all who I am. The real true me is only revealed behind closed doors away from this opinionated country I live in. I hide away each night wanting an end to it all, a way out. I want to be successful in life and my career but I don't know how to cope with life and everything it throws as me.

How do you cope in life?

Personally I punish myself for being who I am. I smoke, cut, overdose on medication and have anorexia. There is this whole theory of rewarding yourself but I have yet to find anything to reward. Sure I have my health, though at times it may not seem it, I have this opportunity of attending a dance college, support from friends and family, a home and clothes on my back. Many would give their left arm to be in my shoes, so why am I like this? I guess the saying is true that you don't know what you have until it's gone. when you struggle to achieve in order to better yourself.

Depression.

Something I have come to learn that will be constantly in my life. I've had sever depression for over three years solid and only know thinking about seeking help. Parts of me say go and get help talk to tutors, doctors, anyone but other parts say no your over reacting. Talking to friends helps but they can only say/do so much the rest is up to you. A professional's point of view may differ, I understand that in order to get better I have to want to.

"I wonder what it feels like not to be depressed"

To feel something good, what dose it feel like? The feeling of being remotely happy I have forgotten what thetas like. I'm scared. what if I don't like it? Can I go back to my comfort zone, retract and revert back?

This Life I Lead.

The fear of rejection lies heavy within my heart with the weight almost unbearable. Shadowing the positive with the negative is far easier than relseshing in good thoughts and feelings. Do you think its possible to block the bad our with the good? I know for sue that the other way is possible as I'm living proof of it.

At late I have been feeling dizzy for no apparent reason. My mood swings from OK to depressed and further down until I wait it out for the next; I feel OK mode.

"I'm a machine programmed for life but malfunctioning".

There is something inside me that eats away and there is no stopping it. gnawing away at my soul each day, soon nothing will be left but sheer hatred, self loathing and death.

The Voices In My Head.

For the time being I awake at 6am for work, college and then the gym. Routine and structures rule my every action, immaculately planned. Going in circles, repeating over and over like the voices in my head. Arguing over who is right; over powering/strong, weak/frail. There are many words from many voices discussing everything each arguing a point.

But Which One Is Right?