Its eairly evening and I've been online for a few hours now on the messagevboards posting. I'm catching up as I've been away visiting the parentals. I crave so many things like chocolate and pizza although I've been diagnosed lactose intolerant again and so can not eat event the littlest of dairy products although its all I crave right now. I don't consume much in the way of dairy theses days but no more. Its strange I don't usually crave dairy but its like smoking once you stop you really crave.
Another stepping stone in my life begins when I awake a with new regime. A plan of the forthcoming month of which failure is not an option. To strive for results and the ability to strive for what I want. Although I'm not sure these days what I want aside death, like people are going to let me do that!
My days start at 5:30am with work, then college from 9am until 3-6pm (depending on what day), gym for 2 hours, swim and home about 7-9pm and bed! Ok when its written like that it looks a bit manic but hey I don't sleep so shouldn't be a problem.
Thursday, February 24, 2005
Have things changed?
So I went to Devon last week and to be honest it wasn't merely as bad as previous times.
Did I self harm?
Yeah I did, that's going to shock others that I lied to about it but I had to I'm so ashamed that I couldn't stop. I was at work and started scratching at my right wrist and once I started I couldn't stop. I needed to feel the burn and release that only selfharming can bring. I was left with this bloody, itchy scab that looks like a friction burn so that's where the story came from. I told everyone that's what it was and made up a story to match.
To those two people I sincerely apologise but I didn't want to show you another failed attempt.
For the most part it was ok although I have started smoking again. I know, I know but hey it was either that or the blade and I know which you all prefer. I would have loved to grab the blade and slit into eternity but I resisted.
Back up in Liverpool things are a little better especially on the job front. I have a job cleaning in a shop called Open, I work 7-9am 6 days a week. Aside that I'm back taking the pills again, I stopped trying to be "pure ana" but I started to gain so that idea went out the window!
I've also been seriously thinking about going to the doctors about my depression as I can't be dealing with it not at this important time of year (college and carrer). I'm scared in case they ask if I self harm or have suicidal tendencies as the scars will prove one and the medical records the other. I could lie as I don't wish to tell of it but I don't think they will believe me.
Do I risk it all for an easy ride?
Do I spill and risk it all or do I suffer in silence? I've asked a few people for their opinions and am still debating weather to take the plunge.
What dose it feel like to be happy?
I've lost all sense for what it feels like to be happy, sure I may come across as happy but I can act. Gees I've been to drama school since could walk so am a pro at it now! I always hang on the negatives of every posisitve just so I know what the downside is like if I were to experience it. I guess you could say I'm setting myself up for failure but I usually end up on the darker side.
So have things changed?
Yes they have and maybe for the better. I'm considering help!
What the fuck am I thinking no one can help me! Gees I'm in an imaginary world where people actual give a shit for me. I can safely say two people care what happens to me, out of all the people I know only two know of my life behind closed doors. Thought you don't know the half of my struggle to wake everyday, put on a brave face and leave the house. I have gotten to the stage often of not being able to leave the house, the world is to scary all those judging faces. I have missed college because of it, I say I am/was ill but the truth is I couldn't face leaving the sanctuary of my house. I don't feel safe here but I can hide and that's all that matters.
Life goes on with or without me so its ok that I at times hide away, its not like I'm missed.
Did I self harm?
Yeah I did, that's going to shock others that I lied to about it but I had to I'm so ashamed that I couldn't stop. I was at work and started scratching at my right wrist and once I started I couldn't stop. I needed to feel the burn and release that only selfharming can bring. I was left with this bloody, itchy scab that looks like a friction burn so that's where the story came from. I told everyone that's what it was and made up a story to match.
To those two people I sincerely apologise but I didn't want to show you another failed attempt.
For the most part it was ok although I have started smoking again. I know, I know but hey it was either that or the blade and I know which you all prefer. I would have loved to grab the blade and slit into eternity but I resisted.
Back up in Liverpool things are a little better especially on the job front. I have a job cleaning in a shop called Open, I work 7-9am 6 days a week. Aside that I'm back taking the pills again, I stopped trying to be "pure ana" but I started to gain so that idea went out the window!
I've also been seriously thinking about going to the doctors about my depression as I can't be dealing with it not at this important time of year (college and carrer). I'm scared in case they ask if I self harm or have suicidal tendencies as the scars will prove one and the medical records the other. I could lie as I don't wish to tell of it but I don't think they will believe me.
Do I risk it all for an easy ride?
Do I spill and risk it all or do I suffer in silence? I've asked a few people for their opinions and am still debating weather to take the plunge.
What dose it feel like to be happy?
I've lost all sense for what it feels like to be happy, sure I may come across as happy but I can act. Gees I've been to drama school since could walk so am a pro at it now! I always hang on the negatives of every posisitve just so I know what the downside is like if I were to experience it. I guess you could say I'm setting myself up for failure but I usually end up on the darker side.
So have things changed?
Yes they have and maybe for the better. I'm considering help!
What the fuck am I thinking no one can help me! Gees I'm in an imaginary world where people actual give a shit for me. I can safely say two people care what happens to me, out of all the people I know only two know of my life behind closed doors. Thought you don't know the half of my struggle to wake everyday, put on a brave face and leave the house. I have gotten to the stage often of not being able to leave the house, the world is to scary all those judging faces. I have missed college because of it, I say I am/was ill but the truth is I couldn't face leaving the sanctuary of my house. I don't feel safe here but I can hide and that's all that matters.
Life goes on with or without me so its ok that I at times hide away, its not like I'm missed.
Thursday, February 03, 2005
Poem: Join me in death
Why don't you join me in death?
You state that living ain't that grate.
Just swallow the pills,
cradle in my arms and sleep.
Together we can sleep for eternity.
No prince with a kiss shall awaken us.
No touch of a warm heart
or surviving off one's last breath.
Nothing shall awaken us.
Why don't you join me in death?
Take your last breath.
Pass from this world and look
into the eyes if death.
We both shall reap in rewards of love.
To say for sure what lies after death.
To see if there is a haven or hell.
Come back as a ghost.
To be as light as air.
Its what we both want.
So why not in death?
Come join me.
Don't put it off
as for me it maybe to late.
In death I am free,
willing and able.
I love to be you angel.
guidance I give you,
pathways that run clear
Your prayer's I answer.
You waited to long for death.
I am dead.
Your angel that watches over you
that's me.
Why don't you join me in death?
We promised to go together,
only I made it through.
You stayed behind.
We are separated by a one way mirror.
I can see you,
hear you breathe.
Can you see me?
You state that living ain't that grate.
Just swallow the pills,
cradle in my arms and sleep.
Together we can sleep for eternity.
No prince with a kiss shall awaken us.
No touch of a warm heart
or surviving off one's last breath.
Nothing shall awaken us.
Why don't you join me in death?
Take your last breath.
Pass from this world and look
into the eyes if death.
We both shall reap in rewards of love.
To say for sure what lies after death.
To see if there is a haven or hell.
Come back as a ghost.
To be as light as air.
Its what we both want.
So why not in death?
Come join me.
Don't put it off
as for me it maybe to late.
In death I am free,
willing and able.
I love to be you angel.
guidance I give you,
pathways that run clear
Your prayer's I answer.
You waited to long for death.
I am dead.
Your angel that watches over you
that's me.
Why don't you join me in death?
We promised to go together,
only I made it through.
You stayed behind.
We are separated by a one way mirror.
I can see you,
hear you breathe.
Can you see me?
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