Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Better The Devil You Know

Say you won't leave me no more
I'll take you back again
No more excuses no, no
'Cos I've heard them all before
A hundred times or more

Unlike my usual self the lyrics of Better the devil you know are the best format of putting my thoughts into words. I'm not usually one for being short of words but for now they have somewhat avoided me. They are not my thoughts least I don't believe them to be, they are words of the darker voice that reins inside my head. Voices that I thought had vacated the empty space between my ears but have returned with a bigger force.

Something happened late last night, something that has changed me and that change is why I'm sitting her eating boiled vegetables in gravy, hungry. A thought came into my head, it spoke to me in a soft but serious voice. It told me that the fun and games are over and that its time to get serious. It went on about how I was alone (without this voice) for a longtime, how it was a test of my ability, test of my strength and willpower. This voice which I used to call Ana has over taken my rational voice of thinking replacing it with rituals and routines just like it did before.

I'm not fighting this persistent voice because I've always believed it to be right. I have however in the past tried to fight it and prove it wrong but I've never quite managed to, so for now I'll just follow it through and see what happens.

Nothing can go wrong, can it?

Fallen-Angel