These thoughts that control my life are pounding away my soul once more.
Ana shouts out to me to come back, not to fail her and for me to let her control me once again. I am so weak to her voice that I bow down and obey her.
Every word she whispers resides in my fragile mind.
Today begins another of many previous fasts of water and cigarettes. I don't care how ill I get, how many times I pass out due to weakness or how many times I throw up.
I will win.
I stand in front of the mirror crying at the shame that is my body. I'm ashamed to call myself ana, I don't deserve my name Fallen-Angel, the angel that fell from grace with a crash.
If I can't see bones I'm not working hard enough.
This time it will work and I will succeed for this time failure is defiantly not an option. I have others to take into consideration.
what will my girlfriend think when all she touches is fat?
Day one, three hours in.
Fallen-Angel
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
Do You Not Care?
Today was my nieces school play and no one thought to tell me until it was too late. I've never seen her perform in any of her school productions because for the past two years I've been at Liverpool Performing Arts.
Are they all for getting that I was the one who looked after her ninety percent of the time for the first year and a half of her life because her mother just didn't care. Are they forgetting that I was only thirteen and a mother to a child that wasn't mine, I was a child at that time, I was only thirteen.
Who was the one who changed her dipper, who was the one who fed and bathed her and who was the only one who answered her cry's day and night? I was the one, I was alone the parent with out a child though I had one.
Everyday before and after school I was there, at weekends I was there. I gave up a lot to look after her. I couldn't just go out, I couldn't hang out with friends because I had this helpless baby to care for.
I know a lot has happened that I dare not to speak of but you think her mother would have some gratitude, wouldn't you?
I found out about her play when my sister came home and I asked her about her day. She told me she's just got back from seeing our niece in her school play. Anger and hurt boiled up inside of me, I could have exploded but I refrained.
I feel my baby has gone.
I remember the days she used to call me ma, when I was the one she would come to for help. Now those days seem distant.
She doesn't call for me no more.
On occasion she calls me ma but not very often.
I'm moving away in a week and I'm going to miss her so much. This pain inside is intense and it burns a hole in my heart knowing that I will be so far from her.
No matter what people say and think she is my baby and will always be. I understand that she is not my child but I was always the one that was there, I still am. She comes to me if there is a problem, she comes to me for support and love, she comes to me for anything;
She's not afraid.
Fallen-Angel
Are they all for getting that I was the one who looked after her ninety percent of the time for the first year and a half of her life because her mother just didn't care. Are they forgetting that I was only thirteen and a mother to a child that wasn't mine, I was a child at that time, I was only thirteen.
Who was the one who changed her dipper, who was the one who fed and bathed her and who was the only one who answered her cry's day and night? I was the one, I was alone the parent with out a child though I had one.
Everyday before and after school I was there, at weekends I was there. I gave up a lot to look after her. I couldn't just go out, I couldn't hang out with friends because I had this helpless baby to care for.
I know a lot has happened that I dare not to speak of but you think her mother would have some gratitude, wouldn't you?
I found out about her play when my sister came home and I asked her about her day. She told me she's just got back from seeing our niece in her school play. Anger and hurt boiled up inside of me, I could have exploded but I refrained.
I feel my baby has gone.
I remember the days she used to call me ma, when I was the one she would come to for help. Now those days seem distant.
She doesn't call for me no more.
On occasion she calls me ma but not very often.
I'm moving away in a week and I'm going to miss her so much. This pain inside is intense and it burns a hole in my heart knowing that I will be so far from her.
No matter what people say and think she is my baby and will always be. I understand that she is not my child but I was always the one that was there, I still am. She comes to me if there is a problem, she comes to me for support and love, she comes to me for anything;
She's not afraid.
Fallen-Angel
Monday, December 12, 2005
A new start to a new life
Things have changed so much over the past six months, partly for the good and partly for the not so good.
I moved back to my parents after graduating from Liverpool College in June. I moved into the caravan, in their front yard which wasn't that bad because I had my own phone and I was secluded from the rest of the family. Whilst living in the caravan I had a few lousy jobs that didn't last. Now living in the house things are looking up. I work for an agency doing all kinds of jobs.
Over the summer I got to know my now girlfriend, Dude.
I'm glad we had the courrage to tell each other how we really felt because I couldn't go through with another Rick fiasco. On the 21st of December I am moving in with her, I can't wait to get out of this house of constant abuse.
Fall
I moved back to my parents after graduating from Liverpool College in June. I moved into the caravan, in their front yard which wasn't that bad because I had my own phone and I was secluded from the rest of the family. Whilst living in the caravan I had a few lousy jobs that didn't last. Now living in the house things are looking up. I work for an agency doing all kinds of jobs.
Over the summer I got to know my now girlfriend, Dude.
I'm glad we had the courrage to tell each other how we really felt because I couldn't go through with another Rick fiasco. On the 21st of December I am moving in with her, I can't wait to get out of this house of constant abuse.
Fall
What's the point in Sunday's?
I don't know what it is with this day but it always seems like the idea of Sunday's is to bore you. Shops close at four, the television shows the worst of British culture and the radio plays songs that are so bad they want to make you tie that rope around your neck.
What is there to do on a Sunday?
I've managed to sit at the computer desk since I awoke at eleven, I've managed to text and talk to my girlfriend and I've put laundry out to dry. Where as my parents have managed to moan, moan and oh, have a go at me for no apparent reason.
I know what I need to do but weather I'll get around to actually doing it is a different matter.
Fall
What is there to do on a Sunday?
I've managed to sit at the computer desk since I awoke at eleven, I've managed to text and talk to my girlfriend and I've put laundry out to dry. Where as my parents have managed to moan, moan and oh, have a go at me for no apparent reason.
I know what I need to do but weather I'll get around to actually doing it is a different matter.
Fall
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