Can't Sleep

Can't sleep but that's nothing unusal with me. I didn't go to college yesterday as I didn't fall asleep until two fourty five PM. Its really starting to get to me and I'm missing too much college. I have yet this term to go a full week in college. In the first week I went only Monday, the second Monday and Friday and last week everday apart from Tuesday. People are questioning why I haven't been on and I just say that I have things to sort out outside college. I have my reasons why I haven't been in depression, harming, lack of sleep, fear of going outside and ana.

Poem: Friendship that became love

At a time when life couldn't get much worse
you turned around, stared me straight in the eye.
You told me that we shall no longer be.
The shards of broken glass
cut my heart into shreds.

My tears were black and you turned them red.
I took the ring off for the last time
placing it into your hand.
Our blood stained tears fell dripping
upon our clasped hands.
The enclosed ring glistened in the sand.
We kissed for the last time.
A final embrace before we departed.

Our eyes parted the same way they met
almost five years ago across the park.
My best friend now I loved.
For ever we would not be.
Summer after summer we returned to the park.
Your bright eyes glistened in the sunlight.
You tanned complexion radiant.
You stature perfection.

No bad memories exist of our teenage years.
Laugh after laugh,
tear after tear
we climbed the walls fighting
our trials and tribulations.

The love remains,
still there are no complains.
The fire still burns
like my stomach still churns
every time I think of you.
Chris my best friend who I loved to kiss.
For ever in our hearts the love exists.

Poem: The last supper

The last meal has just been digested
and no more shall I consume.
The fear has been thrust upon me.
'Fat is not an option'.

The nutirents that my body requires
shall now be denieth.
The vitamin diet again takes place.
Food no longer enters the race.
The calories shall burn
and the fat no more return.

The time is now to regain control,
all is not lost.
I can not turn back the hands of time
nor undo my wrongs
but I can stop them.
I have the power to say no.

The temptaions shall come.
The rumbles will be heard.
My plale clammy complextion will return.
Although the urges maybe strong andunbearable
I shall not faulter.

I am more than substance.
The food is more than nutirents.
The enemy is larger than life.

Shame

Starting with my head I am fat.
My head, face and neck.
My arms, wrists, hands and fingers.
My shoulders, back and ribs.
My stomach, hips and bum.
My thighs, knees and calves.
My ankles, feet and toes.
All are fat and I am fat.

Shame on me for letting myself get this far.
Shame on me for eating at birth.
Shame on me for not saying no the first time.
Shame on me for life.

Now or never

The time is now to make the final decision weather to dance or not. There is no time to contemplate the future. I have to stop and think hard weather this is for me and id it is what I want to stop messing about and get my life sorted out. I have made a big mess of this opportunity and have taken it lying down because of self pity and the way I think people perceive me. People will stare anyway because of the way I dress but I have to deal with that and move on forgetting their sly remarks. I must think to myself this is what I want and I wear this because I want to and not because others say so.

I have said all along that dance is my life and although its a true fact it doesn't seem it lately as I have been taking a back seat in life hiding from the world, buried in my shame. No longer do I feel I can dance and no longer do I feel life is worth while. I know suicide is no longer an option so for that factor I must go on and make the best of what I have. I can no longer sit in dreams hoping that things will fall into my palm as I learnt a long time that they won't.

'Fighting is the only way up'

For this new life starting this week I must commit myself to dance and the life of an anorexic. I have to try harder and attend more to college and in general. I need to wake up and snap out of my depressed mental inner state for the time is now not when I want to.

'I am lucky to have gotten this far and do I appreciate it?'

The answer in all honesty is no and the reasoning is because I am spoilt. I have always attended professional dance classes, performed, entered competitions and got what I wanted. My family have suffered because of my little sister and I and our dancing but me more than her. I have taken most of my parents money, time and lives away and remain to do so till this day. Its not my fault that I need to loan their money to attend this performing arts college but I will repay them I owe them that much. My parents and family wore all kinds of clothes and ate all kinds of food to put us through dance training. Although my little sister has quit dancing I was never allowed.

At thirteen I questioned weather I wanted to be a dancer, I guess all dancers do at some point. I was a influential teenager and wanted to go out with my friends, sleep over and attend parties but I couldn't because I had to dance, practice and perform. My best friend used to complain that I didn't have time for her as I was too busy dancing. We used to stay over at each others houses but I still had to attend dance and rehearsals. I have lost count of how many times she has watched shows rehearsals and performances, the number of times she has sat in the changing room whilst I am in class and the times I stayed over but had to leave early because of performance commitments.

My little sister gave up in her early teens as her friends were more important to her. I knew for a long time before our parents that she didn't enjoy dancing and would rather 'hang out'. Ma stopped paying for her lesions because she wasn't attending them and she was wasting her money paying out for something she could barely afford.

I know my ma looks up to me as the proud daughter, the dancer in Liverpool performing arts college. Sure my other siblings have accomplished things but me, I the dancer have more.

After skipping college too much this term I have realised that I need to get myself sorted and fast. There
is only two weeks, half term and three weeks after until I graduate and then what?

A time of change is needed and a drastic one at that. I have made a start and attended all this week. My technique has gone down hill rapidly and I worry as when I graduate I will not be attending dance classes all day everyday, what then?

Another day means another start, a new beginning. Starting another pure water fast no matter what I must not fail for I starve for dance, to attain the best possible. Its a common factor known by all that dancers are incredibly thin and if they put weight on they can loose their place in a company. I also have cut down smoking, bucked my ideas and attitude up big time.

'There is no room for error.'

I was watching Fame earlier and that movie always makes me want to dance but tonight it didn't and I can't explain why. All the dancers in Fame are not necessarily pretty but they were so thin and into the piece they were performing and it made me think I need to be more like them and less like me.

I had my business interview for my project and the tutor commented that my assignment was outstanding and he liked the fact it was all typed even the application for funding. I prefer to type everything as my handwriting isn't up to much and on making errors a computer can correct them without the marker knowing they ever existed. The project was easy as I have a lot of previous experience in the management side of business and my first diploma in business graded distinction. Never the less I felt good that he was pleased with my work and recognised my capability in the subject.

Leave me alone to die or kill me

Well another fucked up day, I honestly don't know why I bother to breathe, to live. I didn't go to college today as I felt like a total fatty whore when I woke up at six AM. For the past few days I have been waking up at six AM.

I don't sleep no more.

I'm going out to The Crazy House tomorrow night and am planning on getting so fucking wasted and hopefully hit by a fuck off truck and die.

I'm to pissed to tell anymore but just to say life sucks.

please someone kill me now.

Lost It All

OK, So I had another day off college because I didn't sleep again. This whiole non sleeping thing is getting beyond rediculous. I had my chorepgarpahy group piece due in for videoing today but I didn't go in. Its not finished but I did have something to show.

I'm totaly confused, scared and worried about where my life is or rather is not going. I'm still afraid to go outside and when I do I go where I have to and straight back home, to my room. I hide all day in my room unless I go online.

I have no money and I mean not a penny, no cigerettes, food but I don't care about food and the electricity is on emergency. I would kill for a ciggerette right now, I'm sat here coughing up my lungs because I have so much shit in me.

Tutors at college are still on my back about my attendance and lack of it. Andrea is still on about my weight. I wish they would just leave me alone, I understand that all they want to do is help and that I'm being ungrateful and rejecting it. I can't tell them that I don't eat, that I slice my body up weekly, that I have sever depression and have tried several times to take my own life nor that I abuse perscription and weightloss pills. I can't exsactly say;

"Oh, Today I woke up to find my wrists stuck to the bed sheets covered in blood as is the bed. That I haven't eaten in a week that's why I almost passed out in your class today. That I've took 20 diet pills and laxatives becasue I felt fat this morning.

If I say that I'll be sectioned under the mental health act.

I don't know what to do anymore not that I knew what to do in the first place.

There is a thunder and lightening storm outside. I love the pounding of the rain its the same pounding in my head. The rain throws itself down just like I want to, free, willing and able.

I want to run for ever just to escape.

Its twenty five days until I'll be seeing my parents and old friends back in Devon. I'm meeting a girl from Cornmwall and one of my friends from Kent might be coming down.

I need my friends around me at this hard time. I'm lost yet found. I'm confused and don't know what to do or how to interprit life.

For the time being I'm off to relwave this pressure and bleed for all of you out there who need to let go.

Fallen-Angel bleeding once again.

The pressures to be thin in order to surrvive, the secrets and the lies

With the pressures of today and the competition its no wonder why millions have eating disorders or eating related issues. The average weight is on the rise so why are there an increasing number of people who have eating issues? A question that no body has yet been able to give an answer or explanation to. As the nations become "fatter" more people are being diagnosed with Ed's. We live in a world that is in pursuit of perfection and will do anything to attain it. If you have a part of your body you dislike then you can change it more easily than ever before. You don't like you nose, have cosmetic surgery, if you don't like your body, don't eat, it really is as simple as that.

Being a dancer myself I can fully understand the modern world we live in that is caught up in looking "perfect." Everyone has their own idea of what perfection is and how they should look.

I am no acceptation this especially in the dancing world. I've grown up knowing that you have to be thin to be a dancer and its not only about technique. I read a story about a girl that lost her place in a ballet company because she was too fat. One of Blanchine's famous sayings is

"don't eat and lets see the bones".

His ideal dancer's body was a tall, skeletal frame with prominent hip bones and lack of breasts. This frame today still stands with most if not all dancers being of anorexic weights averaging ten percent under the recommended weight for height. These dancers eat five hundred to seven hundreds calories a day to maintain this low weight.
I am in my final year of a dance course at a performing arts college and wonder how I will fair in this world of anorexic dancers. I am one of those dancing anorexics and I don't dislike what I am doing to my body because I know if I want to be the best and to attain this need not only to train but to loose weight. I have had my share of auditions and I too, like many, stand there looking at the thin girls thinking that I don't stand a chance over them.

This is my story of how I grew into anorexia.

At four I started classes at my local dancing school in ballet, tap and modern jazz. I used to train several times a week there for my examinations and competitions. Twice a year I took exams and three times a year entered the dance festivals. From an early age I decided that this is what I wanted to do with my life.

My life seemed simple until I found out the real world of dancing, the dark side. This world of blisters, exhaustion and eating disorders. I was nine when I first discovered anorexia and at the time had no idea that what I was doing was developing an eating disorder that would rule my life. I understood that you had to be thin to be a dancer and decided I needed to loose a few pounds. I stopped eating junk food and it lead on from there. I would daily exclude a food until there was nothing left that I could eat aside fruit and drank only water. I lost a lot of weight very quickly and became ill. I liked the emptiness and the cry's of my body so desperate for nourishment I ignored. I started gaining weight as food was pushed upon me by concerned friends and relatives.
Still clear in my mind was anorexia and at eleven again I restricted and counted calories. Back then not all food labels contained the calorie content and this frustrated me so I avoided them or estimated their values.

Anorexia has never left my side and offers things that people just can't. It gave me a reason to carry on, a reason to live for and a reason to follow my dream.

I have had anorexia on and off since nine and to this day do not regret starting out although in the beginning it was just a temporary diet. Its true that it starts out with a diet that evolves into a full blown Ed. You don't just wake up one day and say "right I'm going to be anorexic" it takes time and patience.

Recently in the past two years I have found the interment and this dark underworld of love and support. I always thought I was alone in my quest for perfection. Having people who I will more than likely never meet lend me a shoulder to cry on, they offer support that no one had ever given me. They too have eating disorders or eating related issues and understand where I'm coming form and what I'm going through. You see you are not alone in your quests there are people just like you its just a matter of looking for them.

I am still looking for my idea of perfection, although I have my ideal weight firmly locked in my mind I need to achieve it. In the past I have and its just a matter of doing it again this time making sure I maintain it. My weight has gone up and down more times than a roller coaster but has yet to remain the same for longer than a month.
Its time for a fresh start, to start over and attain what I so desperately want. I need to be thin, I must be thin and there is nothing more in the world that I want. Money can't buy you happiness but thinness can, its all you need. A positive look to the future I can see happiness but its far, far in the distance almost out of sight but it is there. Everyone can see it, its just a case of running to reach it before it gets further away.

Tomorrow's bring new days and new days bring new starts. For me its only going in one direction and that is up. I have come to accept what the next twelve months hold but its not to late to decide after that. I am only young, so times of change are possible, its just a case of wanting them enough to reach them. Its all well just wanting them but you have to physically work for them, they will not fall into your lap.

In the past five years I have done so much to damage my body and my chances that they may never be attainable but that doesn't discourage me, that just makes me fight for what's left. I have damaged my liver, stomach and heart beyond repair. I have taken and abused many drugs including prescription medication, cut myself so I am left with scars all over my arms and starved myself of what my body lacks, nutrition. I am lucky to still be alive after several near misses, its time to change. I'm not saying I'm going to recover from anorexia as I don't believe that is possible and I don't want to but I can stop abusing prescription drugs and cutting myself. I need my Ed as much as I need dance.

I have to move back in with my parents in the summer as I have not the funds to support myself until I go to America. I am not looking forward to this and detest the idea but I have no other option. I am going to make the best of what is available to me down there and do my time as so to speak. I'm taking my Ed with my like my possessions. Its just the idea of hiding it from my parents again that I don't like, going back to what I did as a child and lying to them. Its easy to lie over the phone and easy to hide how I look but knowing that they will be in the same town, the same house as me makes it hard. I will once again have to plan meticulously my actions and eating habits as not to arouse suspicion.

Starting another fast

Its officially the start of yet another fast. I'm feeling optimistic this time as I haven't planned a number of days to fast because when I used to do this I would count down the hours until I could eat thus deceiving the point. I'm just going to go for as long as I feel physically capable beyond that I am putting my body at risk. I understand that fasting is a risk in itself but prolonged fasts of over forty days are both unnecessary and dangerous not that I would ever go for that long. My longest fast was at fifteen when I fasted for fifteen days. I got through the days occupying myself and resting s lot but I was in school then and the physical demands from that and dancing were less than they are now.

I had planned to fast Sunday but decided against it for no particular reason. when I first planned this fast it was last Friday and I would start Monday so I have not cheated technically.

This time is going to be harder than my last fast over the Easter break as I will be dancing in college daily and the demands with work are higher pending our final production in June and all assessments due in.

I have just spent the best part of the day and up until now doing college work. I have done a whole business assignment and an essay for body maintenance on the effects of exercise upon the body both due tomorrow. I did the best part of the business assignment yesterday but no thanks to my laptop deciding to crash lost everything although it was saved. I rebooted my laptop but it wasn't there so today I had to again search on-line for the information and start over. I was pissed off to say the least!

There is nothing left to do aside my choreography group piece due next Tuesday but I'm not going to start dancing around at past two AM!

I went on line to update the message boards and talk to people who I haven't in a while and surprised many who asked where the heck have I been and if I was OK. I used to go on-line almost daily but now I don't seem to I'd rather stay put in the comfort and safety of my room.

I've become more hidden and everyone has noticed how retracted I am. Today my house mate asked me how I was sleeping and I simply replied the truth, I haven't. Sleep has become a distant thing and I do worry about it because fasting, dancing all day and no sleep has got to end in tragedy. Once the hunger and weakness of the fast sets in I will find it easier to sleep. When I fast I sleep deeper and get a good nights rest.

I didn't sleep last night, I finally fell asleep at six AM waking at one PM. I got my usual seven hours but the pattern is deadly. I have to be up at eight AM and am here with little hope of sleeping this morning. Its better to stay up until the next time its bedtime to reset your body clock but for me that doesn't happen as by the next night I'm still wide awake. I'm used to little or no sleep and my body doesn't recognise I'm tired until I'm exhausted days later.

The Gril Who Gave It all To Dance

Another day in the life of one girl who's dream it is to dance the leads in West End productions. This girl gives it all she has in order to attain perfection. She found someone that she knew deep inside would one day kill her but neither the less persisted. Anorexia was her only friend. She followed her everywhere never leaving her side for a split second. Throughout her life and to date they remain the best of friends. Ana as she calls her knows all of this girls trials and tribulations yet dose not judge nor tell a single soul. Ana is always there, a shoulder to cry on and offers her words of encouragement, phrase and hope. This one person invisible to most makes it all seem worth while.

A dancer by trade she practices daily for hours on end perfecting her technique. She wants to be the best and Ana helps hey by promising her the world. Together they practice the girl dancing and Ana watching from aside. She is there in every ballet, tap, jazz and contemporary class urging and phrasing her on. Sure Ana is her best friend but she had a darker evil side and when the dancer faulted she would let her know the harsh truth that she wasn't trying hard enough, she wasn't good enough and that fat is the reason why she is not the best yet.

Ana is a fragile pale person with white almost transparent skin, long brown hair and dark mysterious eyes. She wares dark make-up and a white flowing ballet dress complete with pink satin pointe shoes. Pretty as she is she too was fading into nothing just like the girl.

The girl wanted the world but now she is thankful that she wakes in the morning though most days regrets the facts Ana is keeping her alive.

The dancer is called Angel. She has pale skin like her best friend Ana but with her blond hair and blue eyes differs. She sees herself constantly as fat when others tell a different story. Strong minded as she may be her thoughts are of depriving herself of another meal and trying harder next time. There are hundreds of if only in her head and things she wished she could change or undo.

A day in the life of Angel is hard, even waking was a chore. Daily she attends her performing arts college in hope that she will feel better about herself as she dances in front of the mirrors hoping if she did a little better today people would notice. They did and tutors commented on her progress and for a split second she accepted the phrase but it was always short lived as she it was never good enough. In Angel's mind the comments were something that all tutors had to do and not something she deserved. She had seen several parenting programs and they emphasised the fact of encouragement and phrase and the effect it had on the children, she took these thoughts into the studio.

After college she often goes to the gym to burn more fat that she so desperately needs to loose. Sometimes she wouldn't go as exhaustion set in but the guilt of not going tore her apart. Ana looked down on her as being lazy, weak and pathetic.

The evenings of Angels day's were filled with talking to fellow Ana friends and looking for better ways to loose weight and tips on how to go longer without food. The internet is a safe place for Angel to talk about her life and others to relate to. When about midnight came around it was time for bed though Angel rarely slept. She would lie night after night praying to Ana for support of which Ana always brought. If it came to four Am or later she would get her lap top out and type her thoughts and insights to life with Ana. She writes poetry, stories of her life and promises Ana everything, that she will try harder tomorrow. She writes contracts out to Ana on a regular basis stating what she will do to attain perfection. Once printed she signed and sealed them in envelopes.

Angel's idea of perfection is a tiny almost invisible body that dances in the snow leaving no trace. She worries constantly that her partners at performing arts would not be able to pick her up or hurt their backs in the process. She often picked them up instead of letting them pick her up. Tutors picked Angel out to demonstrate lifts as she was the strongest in the class aside the only boy. She was proud that she had strong upper body strength but she knew inside she the reason she was picked to lift rather than be lifted it was because she's too fat to be lifted. These thoughts torture her mind and she is desperate to be like them, thin.

All of her class aren't that thin aside one or two but it didn't matter she was still fat in her eyes. She fasted and restricted to less that two hundred calories a day but although the weight fell off it wasn't enough. It was hard to keep this up and she was constantly weak and tired not to mention cold.

Angel recently lost Ana as she temporarily broke free but the consumption of food scared her so much she returned to Ana. I apologise to Ana and in honour of her is fasting for as long as she can physically do.
Angel is me and Ana is my best and only friend. I will do anything for her that is why this is purely for her, I want to be her so agile and pretty. I can achieve a perfect body but not pretty, not me.
Ana I am pleading for you to return, I need you now more than ever.

Fallen-Angel (Angel)