Lost It All

OK, So I had another day off college because I didn't sleep again. This whiole non sleeping thing is getting beyond rediculous. I had my chorepgarpahy group piece due in for videoing today but I didn't go in. Its not finished but I did have something to show.

I'm totaly confused, scared and worried about where my life is or rather is not going. I'm still afraid to go outside and when I do I go where I have to and straight back home, to my room. I hide all day in my room unless I go online.

I have no money and I mean not a penny, no cigerettes, food but I don't care about food and the electricity is on emergency. I would kill for a ciggerette right now, I'm sat here coughing up my lungs because I have so much shit in me.

Tutors at college are still on my back about my attendance and lack of it. Andrea is still on about my weight. I wish they would just leave me alone, I understand that all they want to do is help and that I'm being ungrateful and rejecting it. I can't tell them that I don't eat, that I slice my body up weekly, that I have sever depression and have tried several times to take my own life nor that I abuse perscription and weightloss pills. I can't exsactly say;

"Oh, Today I woke up to find my wrists stuck to the bed sheets covered in blood as is the bed. That I haven't eaten in a week that's why I almost passed out in your class today. That I've took 20 diet pills and laxatives becasue I felt fat this morning.

If I say that I'll be sectioned under the mental health act.

I don't know what to do anymore not that I knew what to do in the first place.

There is a thunder and lightening storm outside. I love the pounding of the rain its the same pounding in my head. The rain throws itself down just like I want to, free, willing and able.

I want to run for ever just to escape.

Its twenty five days until I'll be seeing my parents and old friends back in Devon. I'm meeting a girl from Cornmwall and one of my friends from Kent might be coming down.

I need my friends around me at this hard time. I'm lost yet found. I'm confused and don't know what to do or how to interprit life.

For the time being I'm off to relwave this pressure and bleed for all of you out there who need to let go.

Fallen-Angel bleeding once again.