With the pressures of today and the competition its no wonder why millions have eating disorders or eating related issues. The average weight is on the rise so why are there an increasing number of people who have eating issues? A question that no body has yet been able to give an answer or explanation to. As the nations become "fatter" more people are being diagnosed with Ed's. We live in a world that is in pursuit of perfection and will do anything to attain it. If you have a part of your body you dislike then you can change it more easily than ever before. You don't like you nose, have cosmetic surgery, if you don't like your body, don't eat, it really is as simple as that.
Being a dancer myself I can fully understand the modern world we live in that is caught up in looking "perfect." Everyone has their own idea of what perfection is and how they should look.
I am no acceptation this especially in the dancing world. I've grown up knowing that you have to be thin to be a dancer and its not only about technique. I read a story about a girl that lost her place in a ballet company because she was too fat. One of Blanchine's famous sayings is
"don't eat and lets see the bones".
His ideal dancer's body was a tall, skeletal frame with prominent hip bones and lack of breasts. This frame today still stands with most if not all dancers being of anorexic weights averaging ten percent under the recommended weight for height. These dancers eat five hundred to seven hundreds calories a day to maintain this low weight.
I am in my final year of a dance course at a performing arts college and wonder how I will fair in this world of anorexic dancers. I am one of those dancing anorexics and I don't dislike what I am doing to my body because I know if I want to be the best and to attain this need not only to train but to loose weight. I have had my share of auditions and I too, like many, stand there looking at the thin girls thinking that I don't stand a chance over them.
This is my story of how I grew into anorexia.
At four I started classes at my local dancing school in ballet, tap and modern jazz. I used to train several times a week there for my examinations and competitions. Twice a year I took exams and three times a year entered the dance festivals. From an early age I decided that this is what I wanted to do with my life.
My life seemed simple until I found out the real world of dancing, the dark side. This world of blisters, exhaustion and eating disorders. I was nine when I first discovered anorexia and at the time had no idea that what I was doing was developing an eating disorder that would rule my life. I understood that you had to be thin to be a dancer and decided I needed to loose a few pounds. I stopped eating junk food and it lead on from there. I would daily exclude a food until there was nothing left that I could eat aside fruit and drank only water. I lost a lot of weight very quickly and became ill. I liked the emptiness and the cry's of my body so desperate for nourishment I ignored. I started gaining weight as food was pushed upon me by concerned friends and relatives.
Still clear in my mind was anorexia and at eleven again I restricted and counted calories. Back then not all food labels contained the calorie content and this frustrated me so I avoided them or estimated their values.
Anorexia has never left my side and offers things that people just can't. It gave me a reason to carry on, a reason to live for and a reason to follow my dream.
I have had anorexia on and off since nine and to this day do not regret starting out although in the beginning it was just a temporary diet. Its true that it starts out with a diet that evolves into a full blown Ed. You don't just wake up one day and say "right I'm going to be anorexic" it takes time and patience.
Recently in the past two years I have found the interment and this dark underworld of love and support. I always thought I was alone in my quest for perfection. Having people who I will more than likely never meet lend me a shoulder to cry on, they offer support that no one had ever given me. They too have eating disorders or eating related issues and understand where I'm coming form and what I'm going through. You see you are not alone in your quests there are people just like you its just a matter of looking for them.
I am still looking for my idea of perfection, although I have my ideal weight firmly locked in my mind I need to achieve it. In the past I have and its just a matter of doing it again this time making sure I maintain it. My weight has gone up and down more times than a roller coaster but has yet to remain the same for longer than a month.
Its time for a fresh start, to start over and attain what I so desperately want. I need to be thin, I must be thin and there is nothing more in the world that I want. Money can't buy you happiness but thinness can, its all you need. A positive look to the future I can see happiness but its far, far in the distance almost out of sight but it is there. Everyone can see it, its just a case of running to reach it before it gets further away.
Tomorrow's bring new days and new days bring new starts. For me its only going in one direction and that is up. I have come to accept what the next twelve months hold but its not to late to decide after that. I am only young, so times of change are possible, its just a case of wanting them enough to reach them. Its all well just wanting them but you have to physically work for them, they will not fall into your lap.
In the past five years I have done so much to damage my body and my chances that they may never be attainable but that doesn't discourage me, that just makes me fight for what's left. I have damaged my liver, stomach and heart beyond repair. I have taken and abused many drugs including prescription medication, cut myself so I am left with scars all over my arms and starved myself of what my body lacks, nutrition. I am lucky to still be alive after several near misses, its time to change. I'm not saying I'm going to recover from anorexia as I don't believe that is possible and I don't want to but I can stop abusing prescription drugs and cutting myself. I need my Ed as much as I need dance.
I have to move back in with my parents in the summer as I have not the funds to support myself until I go to America. I am not looking forward to this and detest the idea but I have no other option. I am going to make the best of what is available to me down there and do my time as so to speak. I'm taking my Ed with my like my possessions. Its just the idea of hiding it from my parents again that I don't like, going back to what I did as a child and lying to them. Its easy to lie over the phone and easy to hide how I look but knowing that they will be in the same town, the same house as me makes it hard. I will once again have to plan meticulously my actions and eating habits as not to arouse suspicion.
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