Now or never

The time is now to make the final decision weather to dance or not. There is no time to contemplate the future. I have to stop and think hard weather this is for me and id it is what I want to stop messing about and get my life sorted out. I have made a big mess of this opportunity and have taken it lying down because of self pity and the way I think people perceive me. People will stare anyway because of the way I dress but I have to deal with that and move on forgetting their sly remarks. I must think to myself this is what I want and I wear this because I want to and not because others say so.

I have said all along that dance is my life and although its a true fact it doesn't seem it lately as I have been taking a back seat in life hiding from the world, buried in my shame. No longer do I feel I can dance and no longer do I feel life is worth while. I know suicide is no longer an option so for that factor I must go on and make the best of what I have. I can no longer sit in dreams hoping that things will fall into my palm as I learnt a long time that they won't.

'Fighting is the only way up'

For this new life starting this week I must commit myself to dance and the life of an anorexic. I have to try harder and attend more to college and in general. I need to wake up and snap out of my depressed mental inner state for the time is now not when I want to.

'I am lucky to have gotten this far and do I appreciate it?'

The answer in all honesty is no and the reasoning is because I am spoilt. I have always attended professional dance classes, performed, entered competitions and got what I wanted. My family have suffered because of my little sister and I and our dancing but me more than her. I have taken most of my parents money, time and lives away and remain to do so till this day. Its not my fault that I need to loan their money to attend this performing arts college but I will repay them I owe them that much. My parents and family wore all kinds of clothes and ate all kinds of food to put us through dance training. Although my little sister has quit dancing I was never allowed.

At thirteen I questioned weather I wanted to be a dancer, I guess all dancers do at some point. I was a influential teenager and wanted to go out with my friends, sleep over and attend parties but I couldn't because I had to dance, practice and perform. My best friend used to complain that I didn't have time for her as I was too busy dancing. We used to stay over at each others houses but I still had to attend dance and rehearsals. I have lost count of how many times she has watched shows rehearsals and performances, the number of times she has sat in the changing room whilst I am in class and the times I stayed over but had to leave early because of performance commitments.

My little sister gave up in her early teens as her friends were more important to her. I knew for a long time before our parents that she didn't enjoy dancing and would rather 'hang out'. Ma stopped paying for her lesions because she wasn't attending them and she was wasting her money paying out for something she could barely afford.

I know my ma looks up to me as the proud daughter, the dancer in Liverpool performing arts college. Sure my other siblings have accomplished things but me, I the dancer have more.

After skipping college too much this term I have realised that I need to get myself sorted and fast. There
is only two weeks, half term and three weeks after until I graduate and then what?

A time of change is needed and a drastic one at that. I have made a start and attended all this week. My technique has gone down hill rapidly and I worry as when I graduate I will not be attending dance classes all day everyday, what then?

Another day means another start, a new beginning. Starting another pure water fast no matter what I must not fail for I starve for dance, to attain the best possible. Its a common factor known by all that dancers are incredibly thin and if they put weight on they can loose their place in a company. I also have cut down smoking, bucked my ideas and attitude up big time.

'There is no room for error.'

I was watching Fame earlier and that movie always makes me want to dance but tonight it didn't and I can't explain why. All the dancers in Fame are not necessarily pretty but they were so thin and into the piece they were performing and it made me think I need to be more like them and less like me.

I had my business interview for my project and the tutor commented that my assignment was outstanding and he liked the fact it was all typed even the application for funding. I prefer to type everything as my handwriting isn't up to much and on making errors a computer can correct them without the marker knowing they ever existed. The project was easy as I have a lot of previous experience in the management side of business and my first diploma in business graded distinction. Never the less I felt good that he was pleased with my work and recognised my capability in the subject.