Dear Life....

This is going to be my final letter of confession as I can no longer cope alone.

I have changed over the past month so much partly for the good and partly for the bad. Over the Easter break I shut myself away from the outside world consumed with what's inside my own head. You weren't there for me and so I failed and its lead onto more sever consequences. After the Easter break and back from Kent (Heidi's parents) I still shut myself away from the world. I hide in the comfort of my room, I know longer sit in the lounge of my house nor talk to anyone. I have missed college and fear that I will fall behind. Its my final term and I need to attain the most I can from it. Tomorrow I will speak out and confide in a someone already knowing their diagnosis, see a doctor, see a phyc. Maybe it will help, maybe I gather the courage to open up and trust in those who have taught me well over the past two years. I know I said that I'd seek medical help for depression but never did, I felt inadequate of their time, effort and undeserving. I'm watching myself fail and I'm honestly scared from my wits that's why I need to talk to someone. I don't want to be in that place again where I couldn't leave the house, trapped inside my parents two years ago for four months only leaving to attend dance classes and when my ma dragged me to the supermarket.

Last year (2003/04) I was alone I had no one and I missed days of college and had sever depression. Everyone at college was oblivious to this aside a few people. One of those people has now become very close to me. My new founded best friend amongst others has been a life line, she understands me in ways that others don't. We talk and spend a lot of time together. I have opened up to her more than I have towards any other best friend. I talk less than I used to as she seems to have priorities lying else where not that I'm dissing her at all. After light of recent events things between us are strange I can't talk to her like I used to. I have discovered that she has disclosed personal and private information that I hold close to my heart to two people, one of which I wouldn't have minded knowing but would rather have told her myself if I wanted to and the other I wouldn't have spoke a word to concerning the matters.

Its Friday tomorrow and another college day that I must attend in order to talk about thing's in facing the outside world. I can't sleep because I don't want to leave my safe haven tomorrow and face the outside. It must get better if I want to succeed in my career. Sure I can step out on stage and perform but just walking in town is too much for me to take. This has got to stop sooner rather than later as I can't afford to miss college with final assessments due and the shows we need to prepare for. I'm scared just contemplating tomorrow. I posted on a message board I often go to and within five minutes I has two replies telling me to talk to people and to seek medical attention for their are medications out there that can help me. I'm not sure that I want to take them as people have been know to become dependant on them and some make you gain weight.

I applied for a job at Co-op today and hopefully I will be successful in my application. I would feel safe there I think as its close to my safe place (my room). I was walking back thinking this could do me good and get me out more.

I am changing my opinion on talking to people as time goes on like the same with my thoughts on my parents and family. I used to think my ma was the biggest bitch going but its not at all true she will do anything for me as loaning me the money to attend this college in little hope of repayment but I want to repay her even if it's only ten pounds a month. I owe my parents so much as they have sacrificed everything for us. When my little sister and I started dancing I was four and she started when she reached five. We took a lot from them aside their money and time, we took years of their lives just because we wanted to be dancers. My sister no longer dances and is currently at college in Devon studying child care and development. When my sister stopped dancing I felt that my ma thought she had wasted her money and dedication in making her the best she could be. I asked ma why she let Maria stop dancing and she replied that there was no point in paying our dance teacher when Maria didn't attend instead she hung out with her friends, that was her priority then and I guess at time its still is. She went off the rails and got into a lot of trouble and put my ma through hell for no reason except to rebel and be who she wants to be but look where it got her. She's only sixteen and after moving houses a several times using everyone along the way she is back living at our parents house. She used and took from close friends and relatives such as Uncle Roger and our big sister, Jennifer, for all they had and once she was done discarded them like a used carton. As for me I went through that stage too but on a far less scale. I wanted to stop dancing at thirteen too but for some reason with the dedication of my ma and Jenny, dance teacher, I continued. I wouldn't go as far as to say I hated it but I disliked dance for a while. I wanted to be a "normal" teenager and do the things they did like hanging out and sleepovers. The truth is you can do that and dance as I am proof . I used to hang out and as Alix my past school best friend knows and has experienced. When I stayed over hers I had to be back in time for my dance classes and on more than one occasion she has had to sit and watch the shows I did. She did that although she was annoyed that I did so much but I later found out it was pure jealousy that made us split up and never to talk again. She wanted to be like me but couldn't. I tired to help her by taking her to my local dance school and she participated in a few classes but when we talked to my dance teacher she stated that Alix would have to go in a lower level because she wasn't trained at all. She didn't like this and that is when I think it all started out. Another occasion was at KEVICC's (King Edward VI Community College), our secondary school, when we entered the talent show she sang and I dance in a duet to Fame together. I got applause from the sixth former's watching and she didn't get any. She was angry at me for stealing her limelight as I was just "her backing dancer". She claimed she did it for my sake as she didn't need me and she could do it alone but being my best friend she was doing me a "favour".

So why did you ask me then?

We watched the next act, it was a girl who did a ballet routine to Walking In The Air from The Snowman. In all honesty she wasn't that good her technique lacked style and performance but she did it alone and got through to the show and we didn't. I remember sitting there and watching her, thinking if I had just said no to Alix and did my own piece of ballet on pointe, I would have got into the show but being a best friend I stuck by her and it got me nowhere. She changed me in so many ways and I came off worse for it. I thought the world of her and the things she did made me think I was so "sad" the truth of the matter is I was sucked into her world and came out a broken person. Another instance was in year nine when I got my brace and she talked me into not wearing it. It took a lot of courage for me to visit the dentist and get the brace that I never wore. I have a huge phobia of them as when I was ten I had fourteen baby teeth removed and four when I was twelve. The second time I got my teeth removed it was at a place called Castle Circus and I was treated like a piece of meat. Within less than an hour of the operation, still asleep from the anaesthetic I was shoved out the door. I couldn't stand let alone walk down the stairs and to the car park. My ma and a porter had to practically carry me out. I blame Alix to this day for my crooked teeth though it was my fault for listening and believing in her.

She lured me into her trap and like a fly I went.

We had many arguments as I tried to break free but she made me feel so worthless and low I felt I needed her and would be nothing without her, I longed to be myself. Eventually after a few years and a lot of arguing I left her. By this time it was half way through my first year of college at sixteen and by then the damage was already done but I'd had enough. She started copying me but told others it was the other way around. She wanted me to teach her to dance and I did for a while but she was uncooperative so I stopped. I refused to as she wanted my help but was trying to correct me. She told me I was doing it all wrong the girl with no training to name of. She wanted to be a ballet dancer like off the videos her ma brought her but didn't understand that to get to their level you need to start at the beginning.

She always came across as she was better than me and I believed she was. Everyone around saw otherwise and although they kept telling me I was blind to her mind games. I ignored and pushed away my friends and family shutting them out when all they wanted to do was to open my eyes to her, show me what she was really like. I wish that I saw it before and believed everyone over her. Everyone that told me to ditch her as she was holding me back even my little sister saw what she was doing to me and yet I hung off her every word. I found it amusing that my family refereed to Alix as "The bitch from Dartmouth". It was her jealousy that broke me down and how gullible I was to believe she knew best.

Who was she to dictate my life?

After a huge fight in college one day involving Amy, Louisa, Alex, her current boyfriend and I, I ditched her. At first everyone was like how can you do that to your best friend but they too soon saw the light and were on my side. They helped me rebuild my life in so many ways. They told me I don't need her, that I am better than her and have so much to give they proved to me I had talent in dancing and acting.

I was finally free from her.

I had very little confidence around her as she made me feel so low and unworthy. She broke me down to almost nothing. I have to say that I think my family were proud that I had shaken her off. I was me again, I able to speak freely and do what I wanted and didn't think of how Alix would see me. Sure she made remarks and comments but with the whole college class backing me up I fought my way through. I had new friends that were proud of my achievements and liked me for who I really was. Friends like Lou and Amy though Amy did the same as Alix and used me to get what she wanted last year.

My freedom from controlling friends who dictated my life was short lived when I moved up to Liverpool a year after Amy did. She claimed and still dose to this day that I copied her, followed her to Liverpool. We used to go on nights out but I was the ugly friend of the pretty girl and she was the one who got all the attention. This really cut me up both mentally and physically. Although guys are not my main priority but they were then. I didn't want to be alone as she had many after her I felt obliged to stick by her, little that did for me.

I kept thinking why me?

I then took to my room and once again started cutting only this time is was worse I cut on a daily basis. I became ana (Anorexic) once again thinking if I was thin I could pretended I was happy and could be loved but this wasn't true, not at all in fact it made me worse. I overdosed constantly and at one point was on a daily basis as soon a I came around from the last dose I took more. A few months went passed and for those few months I have very little recollection. My main memories of that time was in my room lying on the bed severely depressed unable to cry. Motionless I lay day after day not thinking of what I was doing aside taking more pills to pass the days praying that I wouldn't ever wake up. You see that's why I say I am surprised that I am still here today. I guess I should be grateful that their was a guardian angel watching over me something spiritual that brought me round after each time. Those months were filled with suicidal thoughts, attempts, cutting and severe depression.
I've never been a crier, I am unable to shed a tear aside blood stained ones.

My grades at the end of last year shocked me to the point of no return. I only achieved Passes aside one Merit from Seleine the jazz tutor. That cut really deep and I mean that literally. It sounds big headed but I'd never received a pass before and to get passes in something I love so much was really hard to accept. I denied the grades for a long time finally coming to terms that I was a failure at something I thought and was told I was good at. I am so ashamed about them and have told no one of them. I guess they are justified as I missed college for a while and I didn't feel worthy as Amy had broken me down to nothing just like Alix had done in previous years. I didn't perform to the my best ability as I felt there was no point because I didn't deserve this place and there are hundreds of other dancers who are far better than me.

So what makes me different to them?

I have yet to this day tell my parents that I got those grades. I hate to lie to them but if they knew they would be so disappointed and would feel they have wasted their time and money in me, a dancer who scraped a pass. I told them I got all Merits and a Distinction in ballet, my main strength. I can never tell them the truth, ever.
I returned to Devon on July second for a summer that I wasn't looking forward to. During the summer I worked at Woodlands Leisure Park in Totnes. I've always enjoyed working there but that time it was strange I felt cut off and distant from the other Rangers. The last summer (2004) I met up with Rick whom I used to work with at Woodlands in the children's play areas. We hadn't seen each other for nearly two years. We were pretty close and always had this special bond that we hold to this day. He split with his girlfriend of two years for a month of happiness with me.

Why would you sacrifice it all for me?

He told me I have so much to give and although I'm totally different to the bubbly lively person he once knew and loved things will change for the better, he promised. Obviously at that low state I didn't believe him at all but her was right there was more to life than depression, harming and suicide, a lot more.

This year started well. I had gained confidence knowing that one person aside my ma and Rick truly believed in me. I met Heidi who is like me in so many ways, we like the same style, music, share the love for ballet and performing. I started becoming true to myself not caring what people thought of me. I wore what clothes I wanted, listened to what music I liked and people's opinions didn't matter. Heidi like me started off in a new city away from home and she too tried to fit in by being like the majority but found herself not being true to herself, the person that mattered the most. We are different, we don't fit the normal status of dancers. My confidence grew and everyone noticed and commented. I also lost weight and my class who had outcasted me started talking to me like I was one of them and it felt good. Then Anthony whom I had become close to me called me one day saying said he had to leave. I was upset to say the least because although the group had started talking to me I still was the out caste. The person who I worked with on our duet had gone and I was once again left alone. I still have Heidi don't get me wrong but Anthony was in all of my classes and made things seem all right. I started talking to Chloe more and more, I feel that I am helping her in some way. I paired with her for business assignment. She asked me to help her as I find business easy and she didn't so we worked through it together.
The new reformed me didn't last as this recent tern of events shows. I'm afraid to leave the house, how stupid is that? I can't step out into the world I twice feared but got over and now its back and at the most important time of the year. I want to move on and leave all the depression, harming and suicidal thoughts behind. They haunt me daily to the point of giving it all up. Its past Four am and yet I can't sleep as the thought of college tomorrow is making me nauseous.

These past few years of my life in short hand are contained in these five pages. It doesn't seem a lot but it is, its Crystal clear in my mind. But what to do now, my current situation is getting once again out of hand and I don't know what to do. Its still night but technically morning. Its time to attempt sleep though seems doubtful but perseverance might just pay off. Who knows what tomorrow may bring, a new hope, some guidance, a shadow of light?

"The once again Fallen-Angel that kept on falling until she hit the bottom never to return is slipping back".

Again

The nights drag as I find it harder to sleep although I'm tired. I smoke to fight the urges to cut and overdose. Lying here I feel the shame of my fatness.

Today at college I couldn't dance to the best of my ability as I'm weighed down with inch after inch of pure fat. Every lump and bump fully on display for the class to see.

I want to hide in comfort of death.

I'm so tired yet I can't sleep. Am I to engrossed to sleep? I've smoked so much at late I'm beginning to shake. I want another one but only have one and will need it for morning as I have to get up at 5:30am for work.

Each day I get fatter and the words of ana scream out for me to stop.

Stop eating you obese cow.

I've taken six lax though I want to take them all. I hate myself so much words nor actions can no longer portray.

Fuck this world and its beautiful place.

Why was I even born?

A night of passion for my parents ended with the birth of me and my life of hell. I was at one point considering seeking professional help of my depression but I'm not even worthy of that. Any chance of happiness has gone.
I lie here in my bed listening to the Rasmus, Dead letters. On the windowsill a lavender candle burns. Tomorrow is another day and if I wasn't working wouldn't leave the house. I don't want to go to college. Last year I missed college because of my shame. My worthless self, fucked up mind and abused body.

I thought I could be happy, maybe one day I will know what its like to smile or laugh naturally.
I feel physically sick at the thought of myself breathing. Maybe I should stop.

Cross the borderline.

Rip the blade across my wrists please, the blood will soon come. Its purity will show me the way. Releasing the fat by passage of veins.

There is blood where I write.

I'm writing these words as the blood drips down my wrist. Soaked up by a tissue the purest form of escape is realised, running free at last. The poison is leaving.

Not even my blood wants to ramain in me.

The blood is warm against my pale cold skin.

I need to cover as I have to face the world again tomorrow. Bandages and bracelets are once again coming out.

Do I have any regrets?

Yes, that I didn't cut deeper, press harder with the blade.

Feeling the realise it total euphoria. I am desperate to do more but for now the cutting is over. The underside of my right wrist is nothing aside red, covered in blood. I feel no pain, not even burning from the blade, nothing, numb. I'm relaxed now and feel I am able to sleep. I'm living up to my name: Fallen-Angel.

Its time to sleep now and rest my head upon my pillow. Close my eyes just for a while. So until the morning light appears good night.

Fallen-Angel x

Worried?!

Its the first week back from spring break and I have yet to attend college. Well, I say yet in the aspect I went to college Monday in time for contemporary but due to timetable changes the lesson had been moved. As for the other three days I just haven't been able to leave the house or sleep. I'm scared that the once fear of stepping outside may once again return and I will be trapped inside. AS for the sleeping aspect we all know that I've never been a good sleeper but past recent weeks its been really bad.

I spoke to someone from college and she said people at college are worried about me as I haven't been in and Denise (Ballet and jazz tutor) was expressing concern. After all this time when I thought if I died people wouldn't notice that I was gone.

I was to say the least shocked.

They recognized that I was real, alive and not an invisible devil worshiping Goth. Yah, They think that as I'm a Goth that I must worship the devil.

Devil worshiping Goth.

Little do those naive scousers know about cult beliefs. You know I feel like doing black magic on then, teach them a lesson, vodo dolls with pins and needles.

They better watch it.

Although I'm feeling strange that they acknowledge my very exsistance!

Today is a new day and new days mean new starts. From to day I'm looking to the future and concentrating on the positive things in life.

Today got off to a grate start, I text my boss from work to tell her that I wouldn't be coming into work today as I'm not feeling well and she text back saying "OK, don't bother coming back!" All I have to say to her is "Fuck you!" I'm not actually that bothered the only worry is money but I'm sure I will get another job where I am welcome and I don't have a bitch like that for a manager!

Aside that two mates came over for a while and all wasn't well. I wanted to talk to someone about shit and because of the other mate she didn't want a confrontation. I don't want to confront her about this but I feel I have to as I'm scared. Although she says my secrets are safe with her I want to sort this out. I don't want to loose her, we don't have much time together as I finish college in July and am moving away.

I'm going to miss her so much.

I hate leaving situations up like this that's why I want to sort it. I can't loose her.

On a totally different note I'm worried about the scars on my arms, hands and wrists and how they will effect my chances of getting a dancing job. You can vividly see them and I fear it will hold me back. I hope to fuck they fade more than they have. The last time I cut was only 9 days ago but no more.

I want to stop cutting, I must.

Its the Easter holidays and as I don't have a job am considering going to Devon for a week or so but am undecided. I have some possible jobs to phone tomorrow so hopefully that will work out. I don't know why but I feel strange that I'm not going down for the holiday. My parents are away but I'm welcome to stay at my big sisters. I could stay at my parents house but would end up killing my little sister or harming.

On the parental note I managed to talk my mum into bringing me back some cigarettes form Portugal! I have no idea how but I have.

I'm painting a brighter color on the world and looking to the future. There's no point looking at the negative in everything or deliberating the past.

what's the point?

For now at least things are tight money wise but I'm not worried something will come along and I will be able to sort it out.

Choices

To be the best you can you need to sacrifice things and at many times others. In what ever career choices make you need to push yourself to the top it won't just happen. Talent is nothing without perseverance and pain. The amount of times you have sat and cried until the tears are no more. Red eyed you sit debating your future and the point in it at all.

Why go through all this for something you say is never going to happen?

To be the very best you can be is hard, harder than you ever imagined. Day after day working so hard that your brain becomes mush, your body is begging you to stop but you can't, you won't. Pain is only superficial, least that's what they tell you. Get to the point of pain and push from there. You won't break, you are not made of glass. Just that little bit further and a bit more.

Having a dream is not enough.

Take me, a dancer, trained for over 16 years. Struggling with more than sweaty tights, blisters and exhaustion. From the naive persons perspective of dancers we have it easy. Easy! They have no insight into our world, what we have to go through to get even this far. Training daily, struggling to put ourselves through training school and then only to get thrown aside my many companies.

So why do we do it?

For the love of dance and the performing arts, the buzz we get from performing, that's why.

So you want to be the best?

Blood, sweat and tears all the way and nightly nine percent of it will be yours. Enter upon this trade at your own parel. Nobody's going to care in this profession if you are ill or having an off day as there are thousands to fill your place and they waiting right behind you. You falter and that's it, one wrong step and your out. Think about it carefully total dedication and more is
what's required everyday without fail.

Sacfrifice.

In this world, the world of the performing arts you must be prepared to sacrifice a lot. Friends and family become second or even third in order of protestation.

Behind closed doors.

In the under world of performing arts lies a deeper sacrifice one that is hidden well behind closed doors. Eating disorders become a way of life and not disorders. Your mind is distorted and paranoia sets in. Inside you know to be the best aside from training and dedication the body image is everything.

Who wants a fat dancer?

Starvation become key factors in this harsh world.

Why lie to them to lie to me to admit?

Why lie to them then lie to me only to later admit to me you lied to me and say you are sorry.

why did you feel you had to lie to me?

Trust is a frail thing in my world and for me to give you trust to have it ripped away cuts deeper than you could ever imagine. The trust has been thrown away and no longer do I trust you and doubt if I ever will. I don't give second chances, not even to you. I told you everything I could let my mouth say and I fear that it will no longer be our secret. They are my secrets and then were ours and now are my problems.

You know who you are.

Just rip my heart out and feed it to me, might as well.

For the damage has bin done, words have been said. All is left is the confrontation and explanation from you even then,

How do I know you are telling the truth?

I let you into my frail and secret world. I exposed you to what you wanted to know. Answered your questions.

I would have done anything for you but no more. Form now on you are alone. Don't get me wrong I'm not disowning you I just don't trust you and never will.

You took it all away.

AGAIN

The nights drag as I find it harder to sleep although I'm tired. I smoke to fight the urges to cut and overdose. Lying here I feel the shame of my fatness.

Today at college I couldn't dance to the best of my ability as I'm weighed down with inch after inch of pure fat. Every lump and bump fully on display for the class to see.
I want to hide in comfort of death.

I'm so tired yet I can't sleep. Am I to engrossed to sleep? I've smoked so much at late I'm beginning to shake. I want another one but only have one and will need it for morning as I have to get up at 5:3am for work.

Each day I get fatter and the words of ana scream out for me to stop.
Stop eating you obese cow.

I've taken six lax though I want to take them all. I hate myself so much words nor actions can no longer portray.

Fuck this world and its beautiful place.

Why was I even born?

A night of passion for my parents ended with the birth of me and my life of hell. I was at one point considering seeking professional help of my depression but I'm not even worthy of that.

Any chance of happiness has gone.

I lie here in my bed listening to the Rasmus, Dead letters. On the windowsill a lavender candle burns. Tomorrow is another day and if I wasn't working wouldn't leave the house. I don't want to go to college. Last year I missed college because of my shame. My worthless self, fucked up mind and abused body.

I thought I could be happy, maybe one day I will know what its like to smile or laugh naturally.
I feel physically sick at the thought of myself breathing. Maybe I should stop.

Cross the borderline.

Rip the blade across my wrists please, the blood will soon come. Its purity will show me the way. Releasing the fat by passage of veins.

There is blood where I write.

I'm writing these words as the blood drips down my wrist. Soaked up by a tissue the purest form of escape is released, running free at last. The poison is leaving.

Not even my blood wants to remain in me.

The blood is warm against my pale cold skin.

I need to cover as I have to face the world again tomorrow. Bandages and bracelets are once again coming out.

Do I have any regrets?

Yes. That I didn't cut deeper, press harder with the blade.
Feeling the realise it total euphoria. I am desperate to do more but for now the cutting is over. The underside of my right wrist is nothing aside red, covered in blood. I feel no pain, not even burning from the blade, nothing, numb. I'm relaxed now and feel I am able to sleep.

I'm living up to my name: Fallen-Angel.

Its time to sleep now and rest my head upon my pillow. Close my eyes just for a while. So until the morning light appears good night.

Fallen-Angel x

Dear ana

Dear ana,

This is for you and you alone. You know the world belongs to you, you determine my every action, every breath. People say you are only an illness, a diseasae but you are more, a lot more. My day starts and ends with you.

This lack of passion for life is becasue of you.

I hate everything I stand for, everything I belive in. I hate me. Going through life is sheer hell and all I've ever wanted is out.

You know in the HIM lyrics for Burried alive by love?I feel burried alive by tourture only daily.

I thought you loved me and I did/do anything for you, anything to please you and yet its never good enough. I restrict, fast, cut, get sick, dizzy spells, pass out. You are like my ma never satisifed until I'm gone to far beyond the point of recognision.

Don't worry I'm not leaving you, I can't, I'm trapped for life, with you inside me. I thought I was in control but am I? Really? NO. Thats the answer your looking for.

I've lost out on oppertunities in love, life and future oppertunities. I was ashamed to step outisde at times last year and as a result of my failure, fatness and patheticness my grades showed me how dumb I really am. I'm unworthy of breathing clean air so I poloute my body with smoke. Punish myself with a blade. I've passed the days quicker by taking overdoses as to pass out and maybe awaken the next or the day after.

I've gone beyond oall reasoning to be healthy or normal. Fuck it all. Its too late the damage has been done.The love for you from me still shines strong abouve anyother. You will always be here inside me for eternity.

A pain that will never seace. Blood that will never stop. Always the worthless one never worthy.

Fallen-angel x

Sick

I've been sick for about a week or more. Constantly dizzy and not knowing weather I'm going to pass out or not.

The other day I was at Fairy Dusts place and she was cutting and dying my hair. I was sat on a chair and went really dizzy and so close to passing out. I aid down on her bed and passed out. She gave me a cup of tea with three sugars to wake me up. And yes it tasted disgusting! Today I've been dizzy and sick a lot. I can just about manage to keep water down. My chest is really painful and my stomach kills from throwing up and constantly urging. I can just about recollect the past few days with a blurred memory of past events.

What is the matter with me?

I hate being ill, I guess no one likes it but I feel so yuck. I feel so lazy although I can't stand let alone exercise.

All I have to say is what's the point?

Fuck them all!

You try everything to be the best you can be.

You work and train hard only to get knocked back down for being fat. I was reading the auditions in The Stage (performers news paper) and found one that looked really intoresting until I came to the bottom of the article ans it said you had to be a UK 8-10. It makes me so fuckin mad. I try my best and work my arse off only to have it snatched away.

Professionals wounder why 45% of dancers have eating dissorders!

Humm let me think? Its becasue of you fuckin people, the producers, directors, choreographers and you the general public.

In the past two hours I have consumed seven cans of Fosters and a quater of a pint of Rum.

This is a short post as I don't want to say anything I'll regret.

I love you all including those who don't know you mean more than the world to me. I appologise for my line of thinking but fuck I don't care if you want to outcast and reject me go ahead, be shallow.

I'm not drunk but tipsey.

I'm pissed off at this world and all that it contains.

fall